40 Whatever

Kathy Griffin in a bikini: Is the joke on us?

Kathy Griffin born November 4, 1960, age 48.

We're not sure about how we feel about the recent trend of older celebs showing off their bikini bods. It kinda makes us feel as dirty as the "I lost the baby weight in 3 days and now I'm in a thong" celebrity meme.  On the one hand, of course we celebrate their hard work and the fact that they still look great in a skimpy bathing suit. On the other hand, isn't it just like wearing shorts? 

At some point, don't you just have accept that bikinis are the suit of choice for a younger woman?  Unless you are on the Italian Riviera. Bangin' body or not (emphasis on the NOT), bikinis are appropriate for all ages when you are sitting in your cabana on the beach in Positano chain smoking and rubbing Bain de Soleil all over your body in an attempt to get even more tan and leathery.  We know, we've seen it.

Maybe what makes us most uncomfortable is that fact that Kathy Griffin is one of our most favorite comediennes. We've been at her late night shows in San Francisco with all her gays (trust us, the Castro was empty that night), and she's always dressed in a full-coverage ABO (All-Black Outfit) with her gothy, clumpy black shoes.

Actually, this bikini photo shoot smacks of her gays egging her on, especially with the white couch and accessories. After all, we all know (and Alan Cumming has recently confirmed) that the gays like a celebrity who over struggles to over come fierce odds in order to succeed.  So I guess in that case we say, "Touché, Kathy!  Well played. Well played, indeed."

That's So Cougar: Walgreen's Beauty Purchases

 

Yesterday I went to Walgreen's for two items:

• Olay Definity Color Recapture anti-aging UV moisturizer + sheer illuminating coverage ($29.99 and they keep it under lock and key near the Baby Phat perfume)
• a Ped Egg ($12.99, the kind with the handle so I "don't have to bend over.")

When your almost 40, you can spend almost $50 at Walgreen's on two items without batting an eyelash. You tell yourself that at least you aren't spending $150 on face cream at a department store, and then $30 for swirly tinted moisturizer seems justified.

I had bottles of sparkly green and turquoise nail polish in my hand but decided to put them back.  I also gave my kids some Chips Ahoy cookies as we entered the store so they would let me browse in peace, but they were too fascinated by the press-on nails (and toe nails WTF?) to bother me.

—Stefania/CityMama

Yeah, You Need to Cut That Shit Off

Stefania and I receive a lot of interesting products to review. One of the most intriguing was a book called How Not to Look Old by Charla Krupp. I've never had so many guests walk in, pick up a book and read it cover to cover while the ice melted in their drinks. And that's including the couple of times Chief and I had porn on the coffee table. (It was the vintage kind, with real boobs and hipster appeal, but still, naked ladies!)

Charla has a slightly more traditional approach to "age appropriate" than we do here -- if you love black fishnets and torn jeans, then Stefania and I believe that's what you should wear. And we take our clip-in hair extensions off to the gals who can still shop in the junior section!

However, we do agree with one of Charla's rules, that a grown up lady needs a good haircut. If you have long, religious-fanatic hair, like Crystal Gayle or romance novelist (and a total idol of mine) Johanna Lindsey, then you must Cut That Shit Off. 

Waist-length -- or longer -- hair on anyone over the age of 15 just looks odd, unless you're the bound concubine of Duke Leto Atreides.

That's right. From Dune. In other words, none of you reading this right now. Snip-snip!

Look, the hair shaft gets thinner as you age, and more brittle.  No matter how much conditioner you use, or how many horse vitamins you take, as your hair gets longer it gets duller, and split ends are inevitable. Plus, a quick (but harrowing) ride on the 1 California bus in San Francisco will prove to you that women do experience pattern baldness in their later years. 

It doesn't have to be an $800 visit to the Vidal Sassoon salon, but if you want to keep your looks, you need a relationship with a hairstylist. Think shape, think grooming, think "not looking like a crazy old hippie."

The Cut That Shit Off rule also applies to Gents With Grey Beards. Dear Sirs: do not bother buying boxes of beard dye, just shave. Sure, Sean Connery looks good with a salt and pepper lip caterpillar. But he's James Bond. Most of you are not. Accept it and pass the Barbasol.

- Cat/BadKitty

Okay, Maybe Mariah Is Only 39, But That's Close Enough

On Saturday afternoon I was enjoying my Us Weekly subscription, when I saw something that jolted me out of my chair -- according to them, Mariah and her cougar bait husband just celebrated her 39th birthday, not 40th.

Shit, do we need to come up with the money for a fact checker around here? Too bad, because we're so getting a (mute) pool boy/bartender first.

It turns out that Mariah is a woman of mystery. In some places it says that she was born in 1970, in others that she was born in 1969. Her People bio says 1969, and her wikipedia page has both dates, telling you something interesting about wikipedia's reliability.

Whatever. I stand by my original post about Mariah making 40 look good, whatever her real age winds up being. There's a huge difference between 15 and 16, or 20 and 21. Even 29 and 30. But by the time you hit 39, you might as well be 40.

Once we pass 35ish, we're all in pretty much the same boat, the S.S. Thank You For Checking My ID.

Mimi's first rate ass is making us all look good, so thank you and Happy Birthday Songbutterfly!

- Cat/Bad Kitty

30 whatever face and bod, 60 whatever claws: Don't let your hands give you away

Our girlfriend and 40 whatever reader svtwinmom DMed us this article along with a note that said she fears her 40 whatever hands look like Sarah Jessica's. 

We've seen our friend's hands (we had a lot of time to examine them carefully at a recent fondue party) and we say, "Honey, you got nothing to worry about."

But it did remind us to wear our gloves while washing dishes and to keep an extra bottle of hand lotion next to our computers.

And P.S., Sarah Jessica (age 44), work it, girl. We'd kill for your bod. And high beams lights.

The Paris Hilton Wonky Eye Lesson - Find Your Good Side

One thing I learned from years of bad pictures, both of me and taking them of other people, everyone has a good side and a bad side.

And your bad side? It gets worse as you get older. So the sooner you learn the Paris Hilton Wonky Eye Lesson, the better.

Miss Paris Hilton will never be mistaken for a great beauty. Or a great brain. Or even someone who understands the basic civilities of covering your genital in public. But she is a genius when it comes to getting a good photo taken.

If you look through a stock photo site like Getty (which I get to do for my job, lucky me!) you will see page after page after page of photos of Paris looking pretty good. For her. Rarely, some photographer catches her in an unplanned pose, and that's when you see the wonky eye. And pointy beak . And shallow chest.

Seriously, the girl is homely when she doesn't have her game on.

But she didn't get to where she is by talent and luck. Paris has an iron-will and a firm concept of who she is. She always knows where the photographers are, and hits her pose for each one of them, never deviating from her gameplan.

Do you have a special event coming up -- perhaps a significant birthday -- when lots of folks will be taking your picture? If you want to look good -- and you know you do -- you must find out what your good side is.  Especially since there's a good chance you'll be drunk, and that's no time to improvise!

Here's what you need to do:

• Get a trusted friend -- if you don't have one handy, you can sorta get away with using a mirror, but remember everything is bizarro world so flip left/right
• Get a digital camera
• Take a ton of photos trying out the classic poses: The Audrina (looking up), The Zellweger (tilted head, lemon lips), The Angelina (bitchface), The Aniston ("Who-Me?" wide eyes), The Lohan (scowling hangover) et cetera -- you read Us Weekly, you know what to do
• Judge them brutally
• Determine your best pose
• Practice

When in doubt, imagine you are Paris Hilton -- a celebutard with no looks, minimal talent and a zeal for self-promotion that somehow translates into (hundreds of) thousands of dollars in appearance fees for sitting in a bar and drinking from the bottle. 

I'm not saying you'll get paid for doing what you do for free, but isn't it worth a little practice to find out?

Also, you'll like the pictures of you way better, I promise. 

- Cat/Bad Kitty

Gee Mr. Jackman - You're Huge

 

Born 12 October 1968

Stefania and I have a thing for Hugh -- or as I like to call him, Huge -- Jackman. He's just so hunky. And since he's 40, we have a valid reason to include him here.

This is not the place to discuss the gay rumors (put to rest NOT AT ALL by his Barbara Walters lap dance) or what a perfect second husband he'd make (he's a terrific dancer, you know, and seems so considerate) or how much I wish he would shave off those weird, gross Wolverine sideburns 4-eva.

This is just a quick post to stick up a vaguely totally stalkerish photo of him, in a Speedo, with a great view of the serious heat he's packing -- hello gun show! 

God, stop tittering, guns = biceps. Not what you're thinking.

But let me assure you, if I can find a picture of him naked, I will totally post it. And you will totally look!

==> UPDATE: Stefania just told me that Perez has naked pix of Huge, so I rushed over and clicked through the shots. It's 15 screen grabs from Wolverine. Check it out, but to set your expectations: there's no frontal.

If you want more of my gushing over Huge, plus another topless photo of him (he's wet in that one) go read my review of Australia here -- scroll down past the other hunky dude, Hrithik Roshan, who is sadly not quite young enough to be cougar bait, but not quite old enough to get his own post here.

- Cat/Bad Kitty

Age 40: What are the fashion rules?

Here we are about to turn 40 and I just have one question: what are we supposed to wear? 

I was talking to my friend Pamela yesterday (who, by the way, always looks smashing and is a fashion icon in her own right) and she posed the questions, "Can I still shop at Anthropologie? Or Target?" And I was all, "I covet the Tory Burch jelly ballet flats but are they too ridiculous for a 40-year-old?" (Never mind that I'd never pay $95 for them...)

In the end we decided that our feet are sweatier now than in the 80's when we last wore jellies, but we really didn't have an answer to the "what do we wear?" question.

So what does a 40-year-old wear?  I have to say, I pretty much thumb my nose at all of the fashion rules. I am the queen of seasonally inappropriate footwear and wear my flip-flops--even white ones--well into the winter. I was born in Hawaii and live in Northern California and it's not that cold here. Bad Kitty and I pretty much agree that white is a year-round color so fuck the Labor Day-Memorial Day rule.  We follow the P. Diddy rule.

And, as a plus-sized laydee, I can't shop at places like Anthropologie where a size 14 is really just a size they make for Japanese girls with boob jobs.  I do shop Target and Old Navy and Gap Tall and have a closet-full of INC and Calvin Klein and Michael Kors because they make stuff I can wear. I still wear my black jelly bracelets (the kind from high school), and I love accessories, especially mixing family heirloom jewelry with stuff from Claire's, and yeah, I probably skew a little young, but does 40 mean suddenly having to dress your age? And what does that mean anyway?

Does it mean this?  Seriously. Click on the video, you'll want to slash your wrists as soon as you hear the music.

I know ironic tees and probably braids and maybe even shorts are out for people my age, but will I have to start wearing pleated khakis?  Or colors like soft teal and lavender? It's bad enough that I already wear the bathing suit with the skirt. (Which, yeah, okay, I love.) Will I have to start shopping at Chico's or LL Bean or far back wall at Target? Please don't make me go there. I like the rounders by the aisle. I'd rather die than put on anything made of faille or wool or adorned with French cuffs or that dowdy Ferragamo bow. And I rather die than shop at a store that sells sunglasses and purses to match the clothes. That's not even fine when your 5 and it's Gymboree. Will I have to trade my metallic gladiator sandals for sensible pumps? Stop streaking my hair every color of the rainbow? All I know is: we're turning 40 and we're in a fashion black hole. Where's that hot bitch Tim Gunn when you need him?

So tell me. What are your thoughts on this? What too-young-for-you clothing item or accessories will they have to pry off your cold, dead body?  And, who are you wearing?

Mariah Carey - 40 Year Old Butterfly

Her wikipedia is a year off. Miss Mariah was born March 27, 1969

God love Mariah Carey. She's as crazy as they come, sexy, tragic, talented, and so fascinating!

She has a thing for butterflies, once did an interview on her treadmill in five inch heels, and last year married 28 year old cougar bait Nick Cannon, whom she totally stole from the stunning Victoria's Secret model Selita Ebanks.

Cougar Victory! Heh heh.

For her 40th, Nick took Mariah (by took I mean he charged it to her diamond-butterfly-encrusted Kryptonite Amex card) to a special dinner. In Barbados. Because NYC doesn't have any good restaurants, I guess.

I love that Mariah is totally in on the joke, which she showed by starring with Jack McBrayer in the hysterical video for Touch My Body.  BTW, that awesome song is on my iPod and Stevie Nick's.

In a way I can't even believe she's 40. She looks incredible, wandering around in feathers, with her dresses falling off her boobs, wearing high-waisted jackets, hot pants and giant-ass sunglasses at night -- in Aspen. In the the dead of winter.

She seems older than we are, and ageless at the same time. Like a fey unicorn butterfly that can sing songs only dogs can hear.

And you know what? Her widely panned film Glitter is actually some genius good fun. You just have to watch it in the right frame of a mind. A frame of mind I like to call "Cheap Box Wine Drunk" or "Girls Night Out" for short.

To celebrate Mariah's 40th, do this:

• Netflix Glitter
• Invite your five BFFs (or the first five friends who can get sitters, whichever)
• Slip into something wet, pink and alcoholic
• Apply butterfly temporary tattoos
• Watch the flick

I think you'll be back, leaving comments on her sensitive performance. And no doubt bitching about your hangovers.

- Cat/Bad Kitty

Hooray for eye creams [embracing the cliché]

I was raised by a mother who lovingly took me up to the Clinique counter on my twelfth birthday for my "computer analysis" (remember that plastic hunk of junk and those sliders?) to determine my 3-step skin care program (soap, toner, and moisturizer).  By the time I was in my teens, I had graduated to Erno Laszlo's Sea Mud soap (the stuff that turned your sink black) + 30 splashes therapy. Needless to say, the importance of taking care of one's skin was taught to me at an early age.

Over the years I haven't strayed much from my original cleanse-moisturize routine, in fact, as I approach 40 I have recently begun to use Sea Mud soap again mainly because it smells like the 80's and that makes me giddy.  I haven't used toner since practically searing the skin off my face with Sea Breeze toner in 1981 (who else remembers the acid burns?), but I still moisturize everyday and have a bathroom cupboard full of potions and creams to soften and smooth every part of my upperbody from forehead to shoulders. (My stomach and thighs remain butter-soft due to a nice padding of fat.) But nothing is more important to me than a good firming, anti-wrinkle eye cream.

I would forgo my favorite facial moisturizers (Guerlain Orchidée Impériale cream and Clinique Super-Defense) and everything else in my moisture arsenal to be able to keep my eye creams, of which I use three on a regular basis:

• Guerlain Super Aqua Eye Serum (apply first, night and day)
• Pond's Age DefEye Anti-Circle Anti-Puff Eye Therapy (over the Eye Serum during the day, a great eye cream if you have dark circles or puffiness, and who doesn't in the ay-em?)
• Guerlain Issima Success Eye Tech (over the Eye Serum at night)

As I've said before, I wear cheap shoes so I can buy expensive cookware, and I would lump eye creams into that category, although the Pond's is a steal. I'm not one to go running for Botox and am too much of a control freak to ever consider surgery, but I can stave off the crow's feet for as long as I can.  I don't mind getting older, just don't want to feel older. I'll win the fight... until I start to lose it.  Like the battle I'm losing with my ass.

—Stefania/CityMama