Yeah, I watched The Cougar last week. I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to write it up before now. But holy Christ! It took this long for the holes it burned my brain (and my soul) to heal.
Who was the brain scientist watching the Bachelor who hissed, "Yessssss, thisss eeeees humiliating and delicioussssssssss, but how can we make it tragic? Psssssssyche damaging? Rich with ssssssssschadenfreude?"
Even worse, which evil genius responded with this pitch:
- Let's get a hot "older" -- but not too old! -- babe
- Have her date a mob of 20-something d-bags
- Lube 'em up with vats of alcohol, including plenty of the good stuff, like Jäger. And Red Bull. Jägerbombs!
- Stick them in a McMansion of Degredation in LA, replete with hot tub, pool (the better to skinny dip, my dear) and almost certainly an outdoor shower tucked away in a corner awaiting al fresco sex
- Add cameras and a heavy dose of chagrin, then leave it in the dark where it will grow into a pale, poisonous, mushroom-like creature.
No, I don't think it will be back for a second season. And yes, I'll stick with it for this one. So let's get this over with. Here's what you need to know about the show:
Stacy, The Cougar
- She got married at 16
- Oops, didn't make it to college -- that's a surprise! Not!
- Sort of looks like a blondish Brooke Burke from Rockstar Supernova and Dancing with the Stars fame
- Actually used the expression "My next husband" in reference to these idiots
- Yes, her kids are in the show -- ugh
- When she coyly says, she's "in her prime and so are these boys" she means they have a shared interest in fucking.
Vivica, The Host
- She was dressed as the Jolly Green Giant - that woman is at least a foot taller than Stacey and most of the boys
- Her boob job is inexplicably both over- and under-inflated at the same time
- When she told the boys "I'm Vivica A. Fox, and don't worry, I'm not your Cougar" several shoulders sagged...in relief
- When she said, "I'm Vivica A. Fox" she really meant "I'm Vivica A. Fox and none of you know who I am because you're too young to remember Independence Day or even Juwanna Mann
- Viv is blogging her "thoughts" after each show. I know I'll be reading!
The Douche Bags
- Biggest pussy: the pool boy who said, "I hope this cougar likes lamb" -- he already got sent home
- There were twins, but apparently it's more like Highlander ("there can be only one") than Penthouse forum ("Hey, your brother can come with us!")
- Stacey really liked the pretty 21 year old with long hair. She gave him the first immunity. If you squint at them together, he appears to be her daughter.
- The marine told Stacey she "looked too old to be a cougar!" Oops. He also tried to pick a fist fight with the guitar player. Sadly, the producers -- I mean Stacey -- decided to keep him.
- Officer Nick used the "you're under arrest for stealing my heart and have the right to remain delicious" line. It's a little something he learned breaking up High School keg parties by the quarries.
The Kiss Off
- A rose ceremony is so last season. On this show, you get kissed, or kissed off. (Who remembers the Pearl Necklace/Wick Lighting Ceremony on Season two of Joe Schmo? My friend Donald was involved with that!)
- Stacey calls out the name of each dude, saying "Kiss me (name of asshole)"
- He walks up and she kisses him on the lips (hello, herpes much?) if she's keeping him
- If she wants him to go, she "gives him her cheek" and it is cold
- She was totally tipsy coming down those stairs, but she never missed a name...oh, unless the producers edited out her boozy lapses, but that wouldn't be reality, now would it?
And so the journey begins!
- Cat/Bad Kitty