Born July 2, 1986, age 22
You know who looks better than Lindsay Lohan? Pretty much everyone.
This fake eHarmony ad is supposed to be a poke-fun-at-yourself spoof, like the ones that Paris Hilton did, but the difference is hers were funny. This is just, well, it's kinda sad.
Look at her dead, expressionless eyes. We've all see those eyes before: on crazy people.
Lindsay, you are 22-years-old. Lighten up, babe. We know your family's all fucked up and that has to be terrible, but you are still a talented, beautiful girl. We miss the fun Lindsay. The sweet, fresh-faced "Parent Trap Lindsay."
We think it all went wrong when you tried to grow up too fast. And then there's all the drinking and smoking and staying up all night. That'll make a girl look like she's done years of hard living in a short time. Okay, so you have been doing years of hard living, our point is, LiLo, you gotta get your shit together.
Look, we know there is an expiration date on young actresses in Hollywood, but slow down a little. Don't rush it, there's plenty of time for Restylane and filler. There's no need for your face to look like you're addicted to chemical peels and spray-tans even if you are.
We didn't want to have to say it, but you leave us no choice: Dina looks better than you, and the betch is pushing fifty.
Get it together, girl. You're 22. Enjoy it.
Two women who are older than you and know better
See also: Hayden Panettiere