Yes, I went back for sloppy seconds so you didn't have to. Episode 2 of The Cougar included Lubriderm, three Herpes Kiss Off eliminations and flames. At least there was cake.
Pumping Stacey
The one enjoyable thing about this show is watching The Boys compete in stupid contests. It's an endless game of Truth or Dare, where they can only take the dare. Gee, are the producers competing among themselves to see who can make The Boys look the most stupid? Contest code name: Shooting Fish In A Barrel.
Truth or Dare-Dare #1: Design a work out session for Stacey.
Inspired ideas included:
- Imaginary martial arts
- Bench pressing Stacey
- A stuttering Marine with terrible skin, Lubriderm, and something about massage... I looked away
- One genius tactic: "You don't need to work out, you're perfect, let's just talk. And kiss."
Based on the contest she picked five guys to go on a group roller skating date. I don't need to tell you that neither Token Dude of Color was included. She picked:
- Travis, the pretty 21 y.o. Near-girl surfer, who according to Chief has a hormone-deficiency: "He doesn't have any testosterone! You can tell by his face!"
- Adam, the twin that didn't get kicked off
- Colt, the cocky musician
- Ryan, the (seriously unattractive) anger management candidate Marine
- Tom, from Rhode Island who had never dated a woman his own age (26) never mind a cougar, "because he worked in a college bar where all of the girls were 18 or 19."
Best exchange on the date:
Stacey: "YEAH I'll have a drink!"
Obvs she needed the Dutch Courage for all of the kissing. When they're not playing Truth or Dare, it's 30 Seconds in Heaven, minus the dignity preserving privacy of the closet. She even asked Colt the musician to make out with her, right in front of everyone.
Herpes Kiss Off Session #1
At the end of the date she sent Tom and his statutory rape hobby back to Rhode Island.
Presents!
After the date, we learn that it's Stacey's birthday. She is turning 40, even though she sounds like a six year old. On helium. The Boys communicated their shock as eloquently as you would expect:
- "For that age, she looks very attractive, to keep herself up like that!"
- "Wow, she doesn't look older than ... (pause while brain works hard to pick realistic but flattering number, gives up) ...29!"
To help celebrate her birthday, Stacey's best friends Kelly and Mici (that's right, it's pronounced "Mickey") arrived. Again with the shock about their age:
- "Her friends are so old!" according to the squicked out 22 y.o. Jim, a bow-legged "law student" from BU.
Truth or Dare-Dare #2: find the perfect birthday present for Stacey and win a one-on-one date.
The Boys were bused to a shitty handmade-shit bazaar to find their "OMG I just remembered it's my mom's birthday!" gifts, which included:
- A leather journal ("So thoughtful, I love journaling!")
- Thumb puppets -- handknit!
- An icetray in the shape of smiles. Like dentures.
- A sock monkey from Travis the Near-girl, because his mom always used to give him stuffed monkeys. Ew. Mommie issues.
- The "winning" gift: a turtle ("they are majestic, like you") necklace from Jersey Shore Jon.
Her friend Mici (Gay or Kelly's husband? Or both? Impossible to tell!) looked aghast when she picked Jon. But then again, he seemed to be pretty horrified in general. Like the rest of us.
At Least the Service was Fast and the Drinks Strong
Stacey and Jon went on a date to a big empty room, possibly a closed bar because it had a lot of blue, bar-type of light and curtains hanging from the walls. They ate their dinner off a coffee table, and drank giant vodka cranberries. But at least Jon finally broke the "So, you got any kids?" cherry.
Seriously, he was the first guy to ask her any personal questions!
This boggled Stacey's "mind." Not me. They're 20-something dudes. They only care about drinking, eating, and holding things down long enough to fuck them. Which is why she agreed to do this!
Anyway, we were all surprised to hear that she's been married twice, and her oldest kid is 23. That's right, older than some of the "contestants" on this show, and most certainly trying to legally change her name right this minute. The other three kids are a son, 16, and two daughters 13 and 10.
Hey... her boy should get his own spin-off show, The Cub, next season! Some of the losers from this show (and they're all losers) can be his advisors!
Happy Birthday indeed
Meanwhile, back at the Alpha Kappa D-Bag Frat McMansion, The Boys and Stacey's "oldest" friends organized a surprise party.
They greeted an exhausted-looking Stacey at the door with a misshapen, homemade cake that was ON FIRE! Oh, no, it was just blazing with a zillion candles because she's So. Old.
Stacey was also So Tired that even her hair looked beat -- fried and lank at the same time. But she gamely played along, because she is a Mom, so she knows a thing or two about how to fake it through exhaustion. Plus: contractually obligated. She blew out the candles, accepted a drink, and took a moment to close her eyes and remember the 80s, back when she was pre-Botox pretty and other people paid for the coke.
Herpes Kiss Off Session #2
Finally the night was over and she manned up to eliminate two dummies. It's painful to watch her steel herself for some of these kisses. And it's revolting to see the guys -- every single one of them -- lick their lips on the way up to kiss her.
She sent home JD, the quiet poet who seemed sweet, if not too bright, and Jim, the bowlegged asshole who was stupid enough to talk smack about how old her friends are on camera. Well done, crafty producers, well done.
The producers are Stacey is inexplicably hanging on to Ryan the creepy Marine. Why do I suspect he has some dark secrets, like a dead wife, whom he buried in the backyard, next to the five pets he also accidentally killed?
Next week!
Salsa dancing, and a dress shopping Truth or Dare-Dare. They teased us with a preview of Travis the Near-girl wearing a dress, and yes, he looks lovely.
Props
I owe Andreah a thank you for reminding me about the Worst Pick Up Line Ever from the first episode. A self-proclaimed Southern gentleman and seasonal UPS driver, Kevin offered Stacey an Aussie Kiss: it's just like a French Kiss. But down under.
To her credit, Stacey recoiled from him, and he was gone in the first Herpes Kiss Off Session.
The Horse's Mouth
Remember, you can always go right to the source: Stacey's Blog, written by a long suffering 24 year old production assistant Stacey all by herself!
- Cat/Bad Kitty
OMG, too funny! I haven't seen any episodes, but something tells me your commentary is MUCH better!
Posted by: Ainse | 04/26/2009 at 04:06 PM
I'm with Ainse. Why waste an hour of my life on this crap when I can spend a few minutes here and actually laugh.
Posted by: Mom101 | 04/27/2009 at 09:50 AM
Excellent re-cap. That Jim character freaked me out. Also, glad to know I am not the only one to notice the token dudes of color.
That Ryan and the cop guy are the worst though. Creepy for sure!
Posted by: Andreah | 04/27/2009 at 10:27 AM
This was a laugh riot from start to finish. I appreciate all the hard work you put into these recaps so I that I don't have to watch the lip-licking and douchebaggery.
Although you're kinda making me want to have cable again.
Posted by: Stefania/CityMama | 04/27/2009 at 01:48 PM
OMG, I cringed at every word of this. Can't imagine what it must feel like to sit through the actual epi. Oh right, like driving a sharp stake repeatedly through my eye.
Posted by: kady | 04/28/2009 at 08:25 AM
you know what gives me douche-chills? "journaling."
you know the only antidote to douche-chills? your cougar recaps.
Posted by: colleen | 04/28/2009 at 09:01 AM
great blog on the slut who is way past 40..check the crow's feet still prominent after the pancake makeup..she must be unable to pay for sex in the recession..so the network is pimp..
Posted by: scottsdale guy | 05/29/2009 at 06:12 PM
the greatest cure for the herpes is
no question about it
Posted by: lil jon | 07/28/2009 at 03:56 PM
I am 49 years old and naturally have issues about it but your commentary made me feel less "is it just me?" and I sure appreciate it. have not watched the show- I knew it would be awfall. AND have not ever responded to a review of anything online before. babysteps.
Posted by: susan kurosu | 09/27/2009 at 04:17 PM