Don't get me wrong -- the show is still totally trashy, the guys are all idiots. Stacey & Viv showed up one morning encrusted in sequins ... yes, in the day time! Also, wow, I optic yellow really is the best color for camel toe. Tasty!
But ... there were a couple of times when the guys were being all douchey, and Stacey totally called them on it! In a non-dramatic, no time for this shit, Mom-knows-exactly-what-you're-doing way. And it was kinda badass!
But mostly the episode made me cringe, and now it's your turn.
If They Had Talent In The First Place, They Wouldn't Be On A Reality Show
The "fun" started immediately with Truth or Dare-Dare #1: An impromptu "talent" show, with Stacey's four favs winning a spot on the group date.
Stacey thought this was a great contest because “younger men are very spontaneous” which probably meant "always have a hard-on." It certainly didn't mean "they're clever, smart, or funny" because their talents were lame.
But to her credit, most of them probably were "packing heat" when they saw Travis the Near-girl juggling.
You know it's a shitty talent show when one of the most entertaining moments comes from a Borat imitation. How many years ago did that movie come out? And wasn't he making fun of precisely these boys?
The other "talents" included the Travis juggling incident, which included an anatomically correct (of someone, not him) apron. He can dream of one day having descended testicles. Also, pa-thetic rapping (Adam) and a genuinely clever, racially-inspired sock puppet show from David, The Black Dude, aka the contestant formerly known as one of the Token Dudes of Color.
He took one white sock (Stacey) and one black sock (him) and did some, "Hey girl, you need a brother to show you how it's done!" jokes, which went over surprisingly well. The producers didn't even fast forward over him like they did in the previous two episodes.
The most horrifying moment, courtesy of Nick, the Cop from Chicago, was the "Police Brutality Lap Dance" which involved:
- handcuffing Stacey, and not in a good, S&M way
- taking off his shirt so we could see his mad tats
- an ass grinding dance in his low rise jeans
- shaking his butt crack in her face
He was not selected for the group date. Instead, Stacey took David, Adam, Martial Arts Johnny and Austin, the one who did Borat.
The big date was a trip to the Rhumba Room for salsa dancing. Then Stacey sat down for one on one time with each guy, with mixed results:
- David was awesome, but Stacey will never pick him because he's black. So I'm just not going to let myself get attached. It's the unspoken a rule of reality TV. Asians get the same shitty deal -- you'll notice there are no Wongs, Nguyens or Chois in the Alpha Kappa D-Bag Frat McMansion.
- Adam "isn't opening his heart enough" which is reality TV speak for, "Get busy making a fool out of yourself, we're not feeding you all this alcohol for our health -- or yours!" He countered with some bullshit about being a man of mystery. Yawn. He wishes.
- Johnny tried to kiss her, and she turned him down for the third time. It's gotta hurt to keep getting the cheek from a chick who will make out with anyone -- and by anyone I mean the other 20 guys in the house, even Ryan the bad breath Marine.
- Austin of the (Not Even a Little Bit Original) Borat Impression did get a kiss and then turned around and yelled "WHOOO-HOOO! Green light!" to the other guys.
And Stacey totally called him on it!
"What was that?" she asked.
"Who, wha-, I just, uh, no, I didn't!"
Austin chewed off his tongue in confusion while she sat there waiting for him to explain wtf he was thinking. And it was FANTASTIC!
For us, that is. For Stacey it was a big, fat disappointment. She went back to the Alpha Kappa D-Bag Frat McMansion and found Jon from Last Week's So Awesome Date to share a bedtime tumbler of vodka-cranberry and consolation makeout session.
Cross-Dressing For Success
The next morning, it was directly to Truth or Dare-Dare #2: Pick a dress for Stacey, who will select her favorite and go on a date with the picker. Twist: she won't know who picked which dress.
The Boys rode the short bus an LA-are Slut Frock Emporium, filled with whorish embellished slip dresses and 80's prom gowns.
Some of the guys took it seriously, like Jon, who is trying win by acting like a grouchy 55 year old who's been forced to coach pee wee soccer. Girls pee wee soccer. Some of them goofed off, because they have no clue about dresses or grownup ladies. Just as the previews promised, Travis the Near-girl modeled one of the dresses, and he really did look lovely.
Back at the McMansion, Stacey and Vivica sorted through the pile of shitty dresses. They totally made fun of them, and Stacey picked a nice, but blah, long, black, not-quite-fitted v-neck dress. It looked fine. Yawn, again. Boring episode!
She went downstairs wearing it, and lied, saying “all of the dresses were beautiful” but she had to pick the one. The winner was Joe the Bartender from Boston, who had just been bitching that he wasn’t getting enough time with her.
If This Was Boston, They Coulda Gone for Coffee & A Donut Afta Dinna
Whoosh, it's off to another date in an empty restaurant, this time The Secret Garden, in Moorepark, CA!
I guess the one in Morehead didn't take reservations. Heh.
They were greeted at the entrance by a waiter, who was wearing gloves for some reason, and holding glasses of wine. But first, she carded babyface Joe. The moment screamed, "Set Up By Producers Desperate for Controversy!"
Since Joe is from Boston, all of his sound bites included words that showcased his distinctive regional accent:
- I’m a little more matchooah (mature)
- Glad to be herah (here)
- Wasn’t shooah (sure)
- I cahd (cared) a lot about heh (her)
Stacey likes a buttery chard, and was eager to see what Joe knew about wine. She was very impressed by his knowledge. (Psst, Stacey: HE’S A BARTENDAH (bartender) -- that's the only thing he knows about!)
Joe told Stacey that he likes to play the drums to clear his mind ("Oh, sexy, a rock star!") and asked if she has brothers and sisters. This was the big opening she needed to pull out the two marriages and four kids, including her 23 year old daughter. He was surprised, but tried to act like he didn't care. Aftah (after) the date, the conversation kept flowin’, sittin' by the fiah (fire) pit, drinkin' and kissin'.
Priceless moment: Stacey actually said “I don’t share my kids with everybody”! Hey lady! You’re on TV! Everyone in America knows about your kids except for these guys!
Don't Take Off Your High Heels Yet!
They make Stacey work long days -- after the date she still had to go home and kiss off three guys! And before she could do that, she had to have a chat with Nick, the Creepy Cop.
With her trusty tumbler of vodka-cran in hand, she took him out to the privacy of the patio -- just the two of them plus all the guys on the light, sound and camera crews.
"Nick, do I make you uncomfortable?" she asked.
"What? No, I'm just a little nervous in front of an audience," he answered, clearly uncomfortable. "But you totally have my heart!"
Bullshit, we're all thinking, right? Stacey thought so, too! So she asked him, "How do you know so soon?"
Nick was not ready for that, but he was earnest with his answer. "Well, the physical attraction is there. You have beautiful eyes..."
Oh, Nick, so cliche. Just stop there!
Dude, stop now, you're getting into a bad neighborhood!
"A beautiful body..."
Creepy! That was enough for Stacey, so she thanked him and stood up.
And THAT'S when I gave her my heart. Because a gal in her 20s would have spent another 45 minutes in a pointless conversation, either trying to get him to say something smart (lost cause) or trying to get him to understand why she was about to kick him off and not be mad at her (also a lost cause).
Stacey's 40. She's been married twice. She's not here to waste time or make some boy happy. And she certainly doesn't give a shit if one of the rejected boys gets mad. You could even see her mentally wiping her hands of him! I LOVED IT!
The Herpes Kiss Off
- Johnny, who "has an amazing heart, but we don’t have a connection." He also has an amazing, so drunk exit video that should be mandatory for all reality show contestants and producers. He slurs. He can't sit up. He stumbles over Stacey's name. He even wrote the guys a letter saying, "You're my nnnnnni--" Whoa! Time out! What? Oh, oh, ninjas. Right. Because he's a martial artist. I don't know what I thought he said.
- Kai, now known as The Other Token Dude of Color, who had to go because of the Reality TV Highlander Principle: there can be Only One person of color. Even though he "didn’t get the chance to expose myself to her,” Stacey was so sad to send Kai and his "beautiful spirit" home that she cried. But not sad enough to keep him.
- And goodbye Nick! Stacey explained, "You said that I have your heart, and I asked you why, and you gave me a list of physical attributes. And it goes deeper than that." His response was to be SHOCKED and say, "you’re breaking my heart. Which you held in your hand." She didn't actually shrug, but in her head, and in her heart, she wanted to.
Now We're Hooked
Once again she kept Ryan, the crazy Marine. Please let him be gone next time. Especially since next week she makes them write down their "deepest, darkest secrets." I don't want to watch him confessing to any wife or pet killing on TV! Also, this is the episode when she invites "someone to the Cougar Den." No one wants to see his stars & stripes banana hammock again. NO ONE.
You know you'll be back. She has all of our hearts now.