Sorry, I failed everyone last week and didn’t get to the Cougar recap until just now. My only excuse is that IT’S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH. Which mostly means that this week I’ve been busy with 2x as much paying work (i.e. not this) so I can play all of next week, when I have a whole pack of family in town.
To make it up to you, here is last week, and I promise to do tonight's show first thing in the morning.
Episode 4 – Drugs, Cheating and Vomit
As usual, it started immediately with a Truth or Dare-Dare: Write down your deepest, darkest secret. Stacey read the two most scary, and those “winners” (sarcasm intentional) got to go on two-on-one date with her. Twist is that she sent one of them home.
“It’s time to lay everything on the line,” either Stacey or Viv said – I forget which, it was a week ago, but since a Mean Gay Producer SM actually wrote the line, it doesn’t really matter which gal said it.
Anyway, naturally some of these idiots tell the truth. The guys all look really worried. Travis the Near-girl is cool. He has no secrets.
- Jon: “I cheated on my girlfriend. With her best friend.”
- Ryan: “I went to rehab.”
I told you Ryan would have one of the "worst" secrets, even though he didn’t admit out loud that rehab was court ordered because he skinned a live bunny and then drank the blood. While stoned.
Sure, he only told her that last part, but check your gut. You feel the truth of it!
"I'm A Cougar, Not A Split Beaver"
The date was a trip to an indoor skydiving place. But since that shit is expensive, the producers made Stacey do the elimination in the changing room, before the date.
First Stacey got Ryan’s story:
- He was 17
- In the wrong crowd
- Smoking pot
- Went to rehab
If that’s the “wrong crowd” then every senior High School class in Northern California should be in rehab. Stacey “Legalize It” The Cougar agreed, saying, “You should be proud of getting through rehab! Now, is there anything you want to ask me in return?”
Ryan sealed his loser fate by:
- Trying to touch her boob cuddle
- Asking “What are your turn ons?”
Next up, Jon had some ‘splaining to do about the cheating. Stacey felt “that it's concerning, as I was in a relationship recently where I was cheated on.”
Jon's tap dance:
- It was a long time ago
- I learned from it
- NOW I take relationships seriously
- And then he played the Reality Show ABC (always be closing) Trump Card: I have strong feelings for you
Herpes Kiss Off: Freaking FINALLY good-bye Ryan. Even though we know this isn’t really good-bye, just a transition to you stalking Stacey with night vision goggles and the side arm you smuggled back from “the shit.”
To paraphrase Stacey’s goodbye speech: “Ryan, I’m kicking you off mostly because I’m certainly not kicking off Jon before I sleep with him. But also because I said, ‘ask me anything’ and you asked dumb, Penthouse Forum shit. I'm not a centerfold, and you sir are no Bob Guccione”
Jon Stands Alone
Back at the Alpha Kappa D-Bag Frat McMansion, speculation was mixed with hope. Everyone wanted Jon to go home. As Travis said, “He’s the most hated guy in the house.”
They were bummed to see him walk back in with Stacey, but she had no time for their grousing. She grabbed her Urinary Health-riffic Cougartini (vodka-cran, tumbler, loads of ice) and faux tried to scare Colt that he was in danger of going home if he didn’t start showing Mama some more attention.
“I don’t want to be overbearing,” he replied.
So Stacey said, "Okay," and took Baby Face Joe up to the Cougar Den (to her credit, on Twitter Stacey said she “Hated” that they called it that) for a night of making out on the bed.
You remember. Like sophmore year in High School. Or as Baby Face Joe calls it, “The grade I'm in now.”
Colt’s Free Ride
One of those mean gay producers has a wicked thing for (or with, we don’t know) Colt, because the second Truth or Dare-Dare was total bullshit: write a love song.
Gee, do you think the musician will win that one? Also, their date was boring. It was at some Oxnard performing arts center. They drank 2 liter goblets of buttery chard, and Colt said he didn’t have a job on purpose. Then they sucked face. A lot. So much that it was more like chewing face.
In Fairness, No One Likes a Vomit Kiss
Then it was back to the McMansion for the Herpes Kiss Off! But wait, we couldn’t have the kiss off because Austin was throwing up. Considerately he left the bathroom door open, while vomiting, so the camera crew could film him. Vomiting.
Who wants to guess whether or not Stacey kissed him on the lips or sent him home with her cheek? Bye Austin!
Also sent home: David – “Because you’re black nervous around me, there’s no chemistry. But the black woman who gets you will be lucky, you’re lucky and that amazing spirit shines through your smile.”
Ah, another Reality TV triumph against Miscengenation.
Gosh, that so brings back memories of the time, right before I left the Knickerbocker Bank, when senior management turned down a (perfectly qualified) candidate because he was black “didn’t have the right energy.”
Anyway, David will be just fine, if he escaped without Vivica taking a chunk out of him. Like so many of us, she was a fan. Viv might be intimidating, but she's no chump.
Scenes from next week: Jimmy (what? he's still there?) and Travis the Near-girl both make moves, and Stacey changes it up wears a slutty outfit.
- Cat/Bad Kitty