Stick a fork in me, I was done when Viv walked out in a smoking hot snakeskin skirt. That was all I needed to see, just give me the price and purchasing info. Sadly, we still had nearly an hour of Cougar to go.
This week the producers decided to speed things up, combining the Truth or Dare-Dare with the Herpes Kiss off. For the first competition, the dudes were required to:
- Make out with Stacey
- While she was blindfolded
- In front of everyone
- One after another
Do they all gargle with peroxide and get antibiotic shots every nights? I mean, it’s gross to swap that much spit with Stacey, isn’t it? If sloppy seconds are bad, what are sloppy thirds? Or sixths? At this point her mouth is like a train station. In her shoes, I'd be brushing my teeth with Purell.
That's why I'm not the star of the show. Stacey thought this was a great challenge, “because it gives me non-verbal cues.”
Oh, did I mention this challenge happened first thing in the a.m.? On the positive side, yay for freshly brushed teeth! On the negative side, making out with six different guys while stone cold sober at 8 am? Rough.
- Jimmy, the trainer, who grabbed her head and did a full body grope “I want to put it inside you right this minute, baby!" kiss. Because that was the point, right?
- Jon, who um… bit her. Obviously Stacey enjoys a sexually aggressive man.
Travis the Near-Girl was put out that his "sweet" kiss didn’t earn him a spot on the sensual date. "Plus," he said, “Jon thinks he’s so cool because he has a job. And two cars. And a house.”
Someday, when Travis is more grown up, like when he turns 22 or 23, he’ll finally understand that most women also think those silly job/house/cars details are so cool.
Date One, Part One: Sensual Booze by the Fire
The big “sensual date” was to the Koehler winery in Santa Barbara. This (surprisingly) played into Jimmy the Trainer’s wheelhouse, because his family has a house in Napa. He was all knowledgeable (!) with the “tastes like berry pits, corn cobs and damp wood chips” talk. As we’ve seen, Stacey is also a wine lover, with her snifters of buttery chard.
Jon from Jersey said, “I like a nice plum wine,” which pretty much made him look like an idiot, two cars or not.
After a couple/five glasses of wine, Stacey officiated over a barrel rolling contest to see which one got the first “hang out alone with Stacey” time, which Jon won. They went to a condo with a fireplace, stretched out in front of the fire under a blanket, and gently hand pleasured each other out of view of the camera.
But even this "release" couldn't shake Stacey's cranky mood. While their fingers were busy, Stacey in all her “red wine teeth” glory complained that she was “starting to have reservations” about Jon.
“I feel like you’re withdrawing,” she verbally emotionalized. “You’re getting reserved,” she added, which is always a danger talk on a reality show, when your value is measured by the volume of verbal diarrhea you can produce. Verbal constipation = death.
Jon swore he was fun, grimaced, and then kissed her with grim determination. For at least long enough to transmit his gum disease.
Cut to the Alpha Kappa D-Bag Frat McMansion, where the guys were listing the litany of things they hated about Jon. Top on the list? His annoying habit of thinking it was in the bag with Stacey and ... sleeping on the couch. Wow, the nerve of some people, right?
Then cut back to Jimmy’s one-on-one time with Stacey, which he was determined to make literally true. He obviously spent the time waiting for his turn with Stacey (like she was an old timey Gold Rush town whore) “tasting” wines and not spitting. His face was red, he was slurring, sweating, and after five minutes of groping her foot like it was sex organ he pounced.
Jimmy’s definitely not a brainiac. For instance, he said, “I love her/him to death!” three times in four minutes, emphatically, to describe how much he cared for his brother, the girl who dumped him, and his brother again. Then he cried a little, because he loves his brother so much to death, and said, “I want to indulge on your head." But his body is ripped. He's no Huge Jackman, but he could be his trainer.
Stacey ate it up with a spoon. And she liked it even more when he stripped off his shirt, leaned in to kiss her, and then carried her over to the bed.
“I love how physically aggressive Jimmy is with me!” Stacey said. And then she said something about “most intimate experience so far” which was code for “Hell yeah, I let him go to third base, and it was worth it. So worth it.”
Date Two - The Reckoning
With six guys left, and two going home before the “Meet the Family” episode next week, Stacey didn’t feel like fucking around. She skipped the second Truth or Dare-Dare and just picked Travis the Near-girl and Adam for the second date. And Travis the Near-girl was just window dressing. The whole point was to ask Adam wtf was his problem.
The “date” started with the three of them sitting at a table. First Stacey lobbed a softball to Travis the Near-girl, asking if he wanted children. Unsurprisingly, the 21 year old hadn’t thought of that, since he’s still on his parent’s health insurance. But on the spur of the moment, he decided that yes he does, someday. It was a softball because his answer didn't matter -- she's not going to pick him, so we all ignored him, benignly.
Then Stacey turned and asked Adam how many women he’d slept with. And Adam, breaking every rule of reality TV, refused to answer because “That’s private.”
Obviously, someone doesn’t get the whole reality TV concept of sacrificing his dignity for fame.There's no privacy! There is only confession, debasement and the glory of being recognized at the mall for eleven whole days after the show ends. Didn't he read the release?
To punish Adam, Stacey took Travis the Near-Girl to a dark corner, where they ate chocolate covered strawberries and brushed each other's hair, giggling like school girls.
Don't Mess With a Lady When Flo is Due to Visit
Her girl talk with Travis still wasn't enough to take the edge off enough for Stacey. By the time she got back to the McMansion she was so worked up that she called an “all house listen to me, goddammit” meeting in the foyer.
Teary-eyed for like the fifth time this episode, Stacey stood there and yelled at them for not taking the journey seriously enough, and not opening up or being “real.” They almost all looked suitably chastised, until Jon started to smirk. And then he laughed at her.
That’s when Stacey did one of those things that makes me love her a little. She said, “Excuse me, I don’t think this is funny. I’m going to bed.” And she left them to freak out. It was awesome.
Those dummies all had to workshop how worried they were that Stacey didn't get how serious they were, and how they all had "feelings." Then Jon and Travis had a mini-pissing match, which resulted in Travis telling Jon he was a classless whore and walking away. It was surprisingly macho. For a girl.
PMS on the Beach
The next morning Stacey summoned the Dummies to the beach. They all stood there, and listened to last night's lecture again. Then she pulled Adam out for the first one-on-one tongue lashing. He swore he wasn’t fucking around, or there for the "wrong reasons," and then misdirected her attention by narc’ing on Jon for picking on Travis the night before.
This so distracted Stacey that she immediately dismissed Adam, and called Jon over to explain. At first he tried to blame Travis for being an asshole, which no one would believe, even Stacey. Then he pulled the, “I was just offended that you doubted me,” card, which also didn’t work.
Just to be gratuitous, the producers let Babyface Face Joe pull Stacey into bar, tell her he was "in love" with her. This made Stacey cry more, and then OMG, it was finally time for:
The Herpes Kiss Off!
Stacey brought the Madonna Extra Consonant Accent of Formality to indicate how seriously she took the Kiss off proceedings this week. And then she cried, yes again, before she even started, to demonstrate how serious this non-legally binding Kissing Booth contest is.
- First one to go: Jon! You have to respect Stacey for starting with the hardest one! And for seeing his assholery. Good looking out, Stace.
“This is a tough one, our connection started off extremely strong,” but you know, then his whole sourness, picking on Travis the Near-girl and unfiltered jerkitude tipped the balance!
- The other one sent home was Baby Face Joe, the bartender (bahtendah) from Boston. “It’s not easy for me, you’re incredible,” Stacey cried, “You’ll always have a place in my heart.“
Stacey was so shaken by the whole thing that Viv had to come over and give her a hug, which was sweet.
Families! And from the previews, it’s going to be the episode that makes it all worth while. Cougar faceoff!