Okay, I know last week (or was it the week before?) I promised to stop being lame and post these recaps on time. And then I turned around and didn't. Curse me for the Gemini I am -- well intentioned, but easily led astray. Better late than never, here is Episode 6, when we find out who lets their kid go on a show about an older woman dating younger men.
But let’s be real. The only reason for this episode is to meet Travis the Near-girl’s mom, who is so going to be The Next Cougar. You heard it here first. But I'm getting ahead of myself...
Viv, wearing serious whore boots, sat down with Stacey to talk about the “challenge” of meeting:
- Colt and his brothers, but not their parents because their parents said, “Hell NO we’re not going to embarrass ourselves!” Or they’re dead – it’s unclear.
- Adam, and his twin who was also on the show, who also has parents who said, “Hell to the NO.” He'd rather they were dead than know he's doing this. (Dude, you do know this is going to be on TV, right?)
- Travis the Near-girl, his mom, and teen-aged brother and sister. Stacey was nervous because she’s “close in age” to her. Snort.
- Jimmy and his Big Italian ... Parents. “All I can think about is his body!” Stacey giggled. "He told me, 'You and my mom will go get a massage and have a bottle of wine.'"
You gotta love that Northern California sense of priorities. I think he should win just for that. Oh, and also for his mad "skillz" in the bedroom. Holla!
Travis the Near-girl’s Family
Stacey walked up to the whatever restaurant to meet Travis the Near-girl’s family in an outfit that made her boobs look huge, which is maybe not the look to pick when you’re nervous about impressing someone’s Mom. Unless Mom is a lesbian with a big boob fetish. Otherwise, cover up!
On the other hand, Travis the Near-girl’s pubescent brother, Jackson, probably loved the outfit. And I sort of bet his sister, Rebecca, was wondering if she could borrow it for her Junior Prom. The relative youth of Travis the Near-girl’s siblings makes me wonder: how recently did he get his braces off?
Travis the Near-girl’s mom, Susan, is young (47), blond and attractive. In other words, she and Stacey look like they share a Pilates instructor. Or a pool boy.
Susan said she thought, “Just stay away from my son!” when she saw Stacey’s tall boots and “the hair.” Unsurprisingly, the Mom-cougars exchanged a cold, cold hug. Finally Susan asked, “So, how old are you?”
Stacey said, “Forty,” and Susan immediately whisked her away “for a few questions.”
By questions, Susan meant she wanted to berate Stacey:
- "I can’t picture that you’re interested in him in a real way!"
- "But still, he’s 21, it’s hard for me to understand!"
- "I need to protect Travis from being sucked up into a life that isn’t his own."
Stacey took it all in stride, saying “I’ve got kids, those are questions I would ask myself.” And also refused to be bullied into answering any of those questions.
Yup, there she goes, stealing my heart again, just a little. Such a tough cookie!
Undeterred, Susan turned to berating Travis the Near-girl:
“She’s adorable, so cute, but could you really see dating her?”
Translation: “I get why you want to do her, and she appears harmless, but I want someone classier to bear your children. In ten years.”
Travis the Near-girl had a completely adolescent reasons for liking her:
“She’s easy to talk to, and we like to do the same things. Like, I think it would be awesome. You need to let go.”
Also, when Stacey and Travis kissed, it grossed out everyone, but especially his family. It’s just wrong.
After the meeting, Stacey said, “I care about Travis. His mom has some very valid concerns. I don’t want to stand in the way of his growing up. “
Translation: “I also find him asexual. The producers made me keep him around this long so we could have the episode where I meet his mom, who will become The Next Cougar. ”
Speaking of sexual, "Hi Jimmy’s parents!"
Stacey and Jimmy walked into yet another fake restaurant set, where his parents were already seated, with giant glasses of wine already poured. Jimmy had another bottle in his hand, which didn’t make any sense, but what do 19 year old production/prop assistants know about what you bring to a fake dinner?
Jimmy’s parents were so sweet and awesome, there isn’t must to say except that they seemed like open minded, easy going folks who just love their son and want him to be happy. Were they a little too ready to accept Stacey? Maybe. But that’s how Italians are! Why worry when we have wine and pasta? Sit next to me, maybe I'll cop a feel. Or maybe I'll slip you a folded up$100 bill and pinch your cheek. Maybe both!
After the date, Stacey took Jimmy, red keg cup and all (suddenly the Alpha Kappa D-bag McMansion doesn’t have any glasses?) up to the cougar den where they made out like a couple of horny kids.
Downstairs in the living room, Travis the Near-girl shared some Out Loud Emotion Feeling for the camera. “I’m screwed that my date was in the morning,” he said, demonstrating that he’s missing a whole lot more than just the testosterone necessary to produce Stacey-catching pheromones.
Colt 25 and a Pair of Doubting Brothers
Stacey started Day Two with Colt and his asshole brothers, one of whom began the conversation with, “We can judge people pretty quick.”
Also nice but really not? Stacey’s earrings that could be seen from space, and probably disrupted cell phone service for a three mile radius. They screamed, “Disgruntled and underpaid stylist!”
However, while Stacey enjoyed a Cougartini cranberry UTI protection cocktail, she continued to impress me with her ability to be gracious and still not get pinned down by the amateur asshole brothers. They asked her if she was for real, she said she was, with a smile, and avoided telling them who was going to win. Masterful.
After the date, Colt was invited up to the cougar den for the “most intimate kiss” of his life.
I'll wait while you go disinfect your brain with the grain alcohol of your choice. I did it myself after hearing him say that.
Adam and Grant – Double the Asshattery
To meet Adam’s “family” Stacey wore giant black dominatrix boots. Which tells you something about her frame of mind.
Rather than bring his family, Adam brought Grant, his twin brother who was kicked off the very first episode of the show. This is because, “If I told my parents they wouldn’t approve.”
How flattering for Stacey.
Probably it helped her ego a little bit when Grant, in a super-classy cock-blocking move, immediately made a new play for Stacey.
Grant told Stacey, "Adam never wanted to be on the show, he just came along for the ride. You picked the wrong brother."
Translation: You fucked up, but I won't hold it against you ... unless you want me to. Boom boom cha!
Adam looked at him, all “Holy shit, DUDE, shut up, you weren’t suppose to say that!” And then they kicked Stacey out, so the brothers could have this brilliant exchange:
Grant: Bro, you had no intention of being around
Adam: I hope you’re going to let me move forward
Grant: I like her, you like her, go for it
And then they peed on each other's legs to seal the deal. In their minds.
After the date, Stacey said, “I think there’s a reason his parents didn’t show up, I think he had something to hide, and that was me.”
How perceptive of her.
Herpes Kiss Off
The dudes were all in suits – Travis the Near-girl even had long pants! – and Stacey wore a lovely black and white sausage casing.
Then she had to go and ruin the formality of the moment by crying during her opening monologue, “Your families all love you and they’re just as special as you are.”
Blah, blah bullshit. Asshole Adam went home. No surprise there, except to Adam who did a huge double take and said, “Are you kidding me?”
Next week: Vegas Baby! Where the sex happens, for sure, and my guess is that Travis the Near-girl is next to go.
Note: Yeah, I know the Vegas episode has already aired, and if I wanted to, I could go to the site and see what happened, but I DON'T HAVE TIME to watch it and recap it, and probably won't for another week. I think the finale might even have been tonight! Darn you life and responsibilities! But I do promise to get to it as soon as I can.
AND ... if any of you intrepid souls want to add your own recap in the comments, well I would consider it an honor to share the 40 Whatever stage!