No, it's not a Bentley, it's the 2010 Taurus SHO. It's goes fast and kicks ass!
It was only Day 4 of the Ford-y Whatever/BlogHer 10 day roadtrip, and Stefania and I had already been called names and terrified by religious dolls. It felt like we'd used up all of the tricks in our bag, and we feared the next six days would be dull in comparison. Then we kidnapped Fake Scott Monty* from the real Scott Monty's office at Ford, and things picked up again.
Fake Scott Monty* -- remember, looks can be deceiving.
But I should tell the story in chronological order.
Docking at the Ford Mother Ship
We left Mackinac Island bright and early, and zipped down I-75 like Stevie Nicks (She's a bat! She's a dove! She's our idol!) scrambling to a lace scarf and platform granny boot sale, arriving a mere 10 minutes late to our appointment at the Ford Mother Ship, in Dearborn, MI.
We tearfully say good bye to the Mustang, and accept the keys to the "Swank" SHO.
After Scott pried the Mustang keys from our hands, we went in to talk about Ford's sustainability program, and met Carrie Majeske from the sustainability team. Carrie is so smart, and so cool, and was involved in developing the incredibly comfortable Mustang seats, using foam made out of soy beans. For the record, Carrie was one of several impressive women executives we met at Ford -- the company seems to appreciate and respect women, which completely influenced my opinion of the company, in a good way.
When we finished with the sustainability session, Scott brought us back to his office where we first made contact with Fake Scott Monty. And then we stole him.
Real Scott Monty (on the left) with Fake Scott Monty (on the right) - you can easily tell them apart once you realize that Fake Scott Monty wears glasses.
Behind the Blow Up Doll Theft
Here's the back story: on the flight from Denver to Detroit, Stefania sat next to a nice gentleman named Bosco who was terrified of flying. He'd been tossing back liquid courage for a while. He bought us two rounds of Bloody Marys, just to keep him company.
Later we recreated the "Bloody Marys on the plane" moment with Danielle, using better ingredients because we could.
Even free drinks have a price. In this case it was listening to Bosco. Although he was unfamiliar with this "internet" and "blogging" stuff, he did have one great idea. He suggested we go to a novelty store and buy a blow up doll to put in the back seat of the Fords we would be driving.
"Have him in all the pictures, but never acknowledge him. Don't mention it, but everyone will notice!"
It was pretty inspired, but we didn't have the time, or stomachs, to search Detroit for a sex shop, so we went on our merry way without our "escort." But when we saw Fake Scott Monty in the corner of Real Scott Monty's office, it was obviously Meant To Be.
Stefania, Henry Ford, Fake Scott Monty, and me, in the lobby of the Ford Mother Ship. One of them pinched me on the ass. Yeah, we all know it was Ford b/c Fake Scott Monty doesn't have arms. But something tells me Fake Scott Monty put him up to it - he's like that.
"We need to take that with us," I said to Real Scott Monty, pointing to his vinyl doppelganger as I walked into his office. "Stefania, look!" I said over my shoulder as she walked in behind me.
"Oh my God, it has to come with us!" she echoed.
Credit to Real Scott Monty, he barely hesitated. He's a man who understands the value of a good story.
Making our getaway with Fake Scott Monty in the fast, sexy -- and reliable! -- 2010 Ford Taurus SHO
On the Road with Fake Scott Monty
We strapped Fake Scott Monty into the back seat of the Taurus SHO, gave him the Michigan atlas, and put him to work as our navigator. He promptly got us lost trying to cross the freeway to get to our hotel.
Fake Scott Monty was a terrible navigator. It was like he didn't even know how to read.
Eventually we got to the Hyatt, where the valet guys fell over themselves to be the one to drive the SHO. It's a pretty swank looking car, and a tricked out SHO is sort of a car dude thing, as we were to discover at every stop.
This guy wanted to drive the SHO, but got stuck rolling Fake Scott Monty into the hotel.
That night we went out for soul food at Beans and Cornbread with Erin aka @QueenofSpain, her cousin & @Aaronvest, and Maggie Fox & Leona Hobbs from Social Media Group. After that we put Fake Scott Monty into some Mature Situations at the bar and went to bed.
The infamous "Erin & Aaron Fake Scott Monty Mature Situation." It was the first of many.
The next morning we headed out for Chicago, after a heartfelt conversation with a rather emotional valet who was thrilled to drive the SHO. Seriously, I thought he was going to tip me!
One Asshole in a Gold Lexus is No Match For Power of the SHO
When I say that our Taurus SHO was fully loaded, I mean it had GPS, Bluetooth, places to charge our iPods, Satellite radio, special vibrating seats and these totally intimidating manual shift paddles on the steering wheel.
Our SHO was also equipped with time warp capability, like a Star Trek ship. We figured this out when we arrived in Chicago three hours before we left Detroit, even though we went the speed limit the entire time.
Sure, it's the speed limit in Germany, but we drove past some very Teutonic sounding towns, so it counts.
Okay, fine, here I am driving the Taurus SHO. Note the very responsible and safe position of my hands. Because this trip was all about speeding and drinking Bloody Marys safe driving.
The mighty power of the SHO came in handy when we were accosted by an Asshole in a Gold Lexus who was tailgating 18-wheelers. Because that ever works.
He was an angry little man, and we finally had to blow past him going something that you might think was approaching three figures, except that the ride was so smooth we could only have been going 30 mph. Maybe 45. So again, not illegal.
At least not in Germany.
In keeping with the European feel of the moment, we shared a classic Italian gesture with the Asshole in the Gold Lexus, and this seemed to upset him. He cut across three lanes of traffic to go around nine cars, just so he could pass us on the right.
We let him, because with great power comes great responsibility. Besides, it was almost our exit, and Fake Scott Monty had to pee.
Seriously, He Called it a Bentley
We arrived in Chicago and pulled into the Best Western and once again the valet guy could not get enough of this car.
"What kind of car is that? Is it a Bentley?"
"No, it's the 2010 Ford Taurus SHO" I answered. "And it's fast!"
He did a quadruple take and said, "Ford? Taurus? You sure about that?" He had to check our behind -- the logo on the back of the car -- to be confirm for himself.
"That is a nice looking car. I really thought it was a Bentley or something," he said.
Stefania and I just nodded our heads and let the Ford speak for itself once again.
To be continued...
* Before his career as Fake Scott Monty, our rubber friend was known as @OfficeBuddy_, and was given to Real Scott Monty by the cool dudes from Plaid. We totally hijacked their gift, and we'd be sorry if it wasn't so damn funny.