40 Whatever

The Cougar - Episode 6: Meet the Parents

Okay, I know last week (or was it the week before?) I promised to stop being lame and post these recaps on time. And then I turned around and didn't. Curse me for the Gemini I am -- well intentioned, but easily led astray. Better late than never, here is Episode 6, when we find out who lets their kid go on a show about an older woman dating younger men.

But let’s be real. The only reason for this episode is to meet Travis the Near-girl’s mom, who is so going to be The Next Cougar. You heard it here first. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

The Setup

Viv, wearing serious whore boots, sat down with Stacey to talk about the “challenge” of meeting:

• Colt and his brothers, but not their parents because their parents said, “Hell NO we’re not going to embarrass ourselves!” Or they’re dead – it’s unclear.
• Adam, and his twin who was also on the show, who also has parents who said, “Hell to the NO.” He'd rather they were dead than know he's doing this. (Dude, you do know this is going to be on TV, right?)
• Travis the Near-girl, his mom, and teen-aged brother and sister. Stacey was nervous because she’s “close in age” to her. Snort.
• Jimmy and his Big Italian ... Parents.  “All I can think about is his body!” Stacey giggled. "He told me, 'You and my mom will go get a massage and have a bottle of wine.'"

You gotta love that Northern California sense of priorities. I think he should win just for that. Oh, and also for his mad "skillz" in the bedroom. Holla!

My Boobs Were Busy At My Birthday Party

Chief, my (very proud) husband really enjoyed my Forever 21 leopougar birthday dress. You could say my chest area got a lot of attention the other night. There are a lot of too many pictures, and Chief has some big plans* for his Facebook page. This is just a "taste."

(Oh Christ, it "tastes" like Jameson's doesn't it?)

(*He can plan all he wants, I still control the photos in this house.)

- Cat/Bad Kitty

UR doin' it cougar: Brooke Shields

 Born: 5/31/65 Age: 43, almost 44

Look at the hotness that is the photo above.  Yes, that really is Brooke Shields with her hand in some 19-year-old's crack.

Brooke Shields has always been like an older sister to me. An older sister that I idolized.  I'm not going to lie, I have loved her since:

• My mom dropped me and my older cousin off at the movie theater to see Blue Lagoon. (It was 1980 and I was 11. What was she thinking?)
• Her iconic Calvin Klein ads.
• Her anti-smoking ad with the cigarettes sticking out of her ears. (I don't smoke, and that ad probably had a lot to do with it.)
• She graduated from Princeton (talk about an excellent role model).
• She came out from under her controlling mother's wings and acknowledged and forgave her for making some questionable career choices on her behalf.
• She refused to tame her wild brows even when everyone was plucking them into non-existence in the 90s.
• She took on that total douchebagasaurus Tom Cruise over the issue of post-partum depression.

Brooke Shields, your new photo shoot rulz.  And as a mother of two, who acts her age (even if she doesn't look it), you are still an excellent role model.  You do 40whatever well, but then again, I knew you would.

—Stefania/CityMama

Happy Birthday Anne "Crazy Eyes" Heche

Stefania sent me this email just now:

Subj: anne heche is 40 (born may 25 1969)
Body: do you have any fodder?

My response:

"Do you mean besides the "I'm gay/I'm straight/I'm married to this guy/no this guy/oh wait maybe I AM gay" but how it's all okay because she's a Gemini?

"I mean, sure, some people would also bring up the alien abduction incident, and the crazy eyes. But we live in California, where that sort of thing (cough cough drugs) is sort of common."

She w/b and told me to copy and paste, which I did. We spare no effort here at 40whatever, even when working on a two three day birthday hangover.

You gotta admit, Annie's holding up pretty good for someone her age an alien abduction survivor.

- Cat/Bad Kitty

Birthday Gifts: Pink Mane Unicorn

Thank you, Stefania, for raising the crazy stakes with this blue eyed, gold horned, pink maned unicorn. I just hope I can live up to the responsibility of his magic care and feeding.

- Cat/Bad Kitty

Someone we know is turning 40 today!

Can you guess who? Who is it, do you think, who is celebrating the big 4-0?  Who is filling out her subscription to More magazine as we speak?  Who is rushing out to buy Metamucil and Depends for Women as soon as she puts in her dentures?

Why, yes! It's our very own, beloved Bad Kitty!

Doesn't she look wonderful? So ageless...So timeless...Not a day over 27...or at least she would if we could see her face.

Oh, Bad Kitty, no need to hide.  Not today.  It's time to take down the shroud and step proudly into 40. (upraisedarms Jai!)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, BAD KITTY! 

Here's to the next 40 whatever years!  The last decade or so has been such an amazing adventure. I can't wait to see what happens next.  Lake Como, penthouse apartment on the Seine, beach house in Hawaii...here we come!

(Dammit!)

Love x one million,
Stefania

The Cougar - Episode 5: PMS Strikes

Stick a fork in me, I was done when Viv walked out in a smoking hot snakeskin skirt. That was all I needed to see, just give me the price and purchasing info. Sadly, we still had nearly an hour of Cougar to go.

This week the producers decided to speed things up, combining the Truth or Dare-Dare with the Herpes Kiss off. For the first competition, the dudes were required to:

• Make out with Stacey
• While she was blindfolded
• In front of everyone
• One after another

Do they all gargle with peroxide and get antibiotic shots every nights? I mean, it’s gross to swap that much spit with Stacey, isn’t it? If sloppy seconds are bad, what are sloppy thirds? Or sixths? At this point her mouth is like a train station. In her shoes, I'd be brushing my teeth with Purell.

That's why I'm not the star of the show. Stacey thought this was a great challenge, “because it gives me non-verbal cues.”

And herpes.

Happy Birthday Cate Blanchett!

Birthday: May 14, 1969

Today the beautiful and flawless-complexion'd Cate Blanchett turns 40. Not only is she lovely, she seems like a genuinely sane, down-to-earth person.

Still you never know.

With skin like that, and so much serenity ... don't you ever suspect, just a little bit, that maybe she's an ageless skin-job android?

- Cat/Bad Kitty

This UpTake "Spa Girl Getaway Contest" Is So 40 Whatever!

 One of my most fun writing gigs is for UpTake, the travel site that searches over 5,000 other sites, making it one-stop-easy to plan a vacation. With a couple of clicks you can search through restaurants, hotels, attractions, and even full vacation packages, anywhere in the U.S. 

In addition to my dazzling and occasionally over-sharing contributions (hey, that maid didn't see anything!) to the UpTake Hotels blog, you will find many familiar and well-loved bloggers there, like lovely Gudrun Enger at the UpTake Attractions Blog, and the urbane Sharon Castellanos at the UpTake Restaurants blog. Of course, if you're visiting UpTake, you'll want to stop by the UpTake Vacations blog, helmed by the dangerously funny (don't read and drink unless you like to snarf) Whit Honea.

Right now the UpTake Lodging blog is running an amazing giveaway with the Silverado Resort in Napa Valley, CA: a "Spa Girl Getaway" for four lucky ladies who get to hang out by the pool at the swank resort, drink wine, and have a spa treatment.

I have decided to win this contest.

The Cougar - Episode 4: Drugs, Cheating, and Vomit

Sorry, I failed everyone last week and didn’t get to the Cougar recap until just now.  My only excuse is that IT’S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH. Which mostly means that this week I’ve been busy with 2x as much paying work (i.e. not this) so I can play all of next week, when I have a whole pack of family in town.

To make it up to you, here is last week, and I promise to do tonight's show first thing in the morning.

Episode 4 – Drugs, Cheating and Vomit

As usual, it started immediately with a Truth or Dare-Dare: Write down your deepest, darkest secret. Stacey read the two most scary, and those “winners” (sarcasm intentional) got to go on two-on-one date with her.  Twist is that she sent one of them home.

“It’s time to lay everything on the line,” either Stacey or Viv said – I forget which, it was a week ago, but since a Mean Gay Producer ^SM actually wrote the line, it doesn’t really matter which gal said it.

Anyway, naturally some of these idiots tell the truth. The guys all look really worried. Travis the Near-girl is cool. He has no secrets.

Winning secrets:

• Jon: “I cheated on my girlfriend. With her best friend.”
• Ryan: “I went to rehab.”

I told you Ryan would have one of the "worst" secrets, even though he didn’t admit out loud that rehab was court ordered because he skinned a live bunny and then drank the blood. While stoned.

Sure, he only told her that last part, but check your gut. You feel the truth of it!

"I'm A Cougar, Not A Split Beaver"
The date was a trip to an indoor skydiving place. But since that shit is expensive, the producers made Stacey do the elimination in the changing room, before the date.