40 Whatever

How did you celebrate 40?

Bad Kitty turns 40 in a month and I hit 40 in fall.  For what seems like forever, we've been talking about how we'll spend our birthdays. Sure we'll have our celebrations with family and friends but then we'll have our celebration together.

Look out.

Back when we worked for the Man, we talked about going to Paris.  Now that we work for ourselves, we're wondering if Southwest still does that friends fly free thing.

We're still planning our big celebration (or celebrations, remember we're milking this thing for all it's worth), and as we do, we'll add more ideas to our Not Bucket List over there to your right. Whatever we do, you can be sure we're not going to lame out and pass out by 9pm like we did when we turned 21. (Or when one of us turned 21.)

In the meantime, we'd love to know how you celebrated your 40th. Did you do it up? Keep it mellow? Hide under your bed?

We're going to fix us all a couple of tall vodka drinks and grab a bag of potato chips, but when we come back we want you to tell us all about it.

Okay, cheers, we're ready.

UR Doin' It Wrong: Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Born July 2, 1986, age 22

You know who looks better than Lindsay Lohan? Pretty much everyone.

This fake eHarmony ad is supposed to be a poke-fun-at-yourself spoof, like the ones that Paris Hilton did, but the difference is hers were funny. This is just, well, it's kinda sad.

Look at her dead, expressionless eyes. We've all see those eyes before: on crazy people.

Lindsay, you are 22-years-old. Lighten up, babe. We know your family's all fucked up and that has to be terrible, but you are still a talented, beautiful girl. We miss the fun Lindsay. The sweet, fresh-faced "Parent Trap Lindsay."

We think it all went wrong when you tried to grow up too fast. And then there's all the drinking and smoking and staying up all night. That'll make a girl look like she's done years of hard living in a short time. Okay, so you have been doing years of hard living, our point is, LiLo, you gotta get your shit together.

Look, we know there is an expiration date on young actresses in Hollywood, but slow down a little. Don't rush it, there's plenty of time for Restylane and filler. There's no need for your face to look like you're addicted to chemical peels and spray-tans even if you are.

We didn't want to have to say it, but you leave us no choice: Dina looks better than you, and the betch is pushing fifty.

Get it together, girl. You're 22. Enjoy it.

Signed,
Two women who are older than you and know better 

See also: Hayden Panettiere

You Bet Your Ass We're Watching "The Cougar"

Leaving aside the fact that forty isn't really old enough to be a cougar (sigh) and young men are stooopid, I CAN'T WAIT to see the new reality show "The Cougar," brought to us by the classy love pimps from  "The Bachelor."

Stacey and Vivica. Yes, that does look like a bed behind them. Scary.

Hosted by the terrifying Vivica A. Fox -- would you talk back to her? I didn't think so -- this show is filled with shame pleasures.

Cougar Stacey Anderson is (0nly!) 40. She has four children -- yeah, a MILF. She's a real estate lady from Arizona who had over $50 million in sales her first year. Believe me, you'll recognize her: tiny, blonde, frozen face, pushy.

For some reason (maybe because it's cheaper than renting 100 billboards, in the desert, with giant real estate ads that feature her headshot?)  Stacey has agreed to date a house full of 20 idiots in their 20s, all with untucked shirts, hard bodies and flaccid minds. Mmmm, sounds dreamy. Not.

To be fair, the divorced 23 y.o. pool boy from Austin and the former Marine both tucked in their shirts. The rest? See for yourself.

Stacey's on Twitter and Facebook. And oh yeah, I'm following her.  I mean, I'm following the minion from the Mean Gay Producers Mafia who's been assigned to write her updates.

- Cat/Bad Kitty

40w Fashion: Orla Kiely gets a yes

Remember our friend Pamela?  Pamela is "40 Whatever Fabulous" in her spring-y Orla Kiely outfit (and bag). We want to go where she's going. Doesn't she look cheery?

Send us your photos!  If you rawk the 40 Whatever fashion we want to know!  Tell us who you're wearing and we'll make you famous amongst our readership. Of dozens.

Kathy Griffin in a bikini: Is the joke on us?

Kathy Griffin born November 4, 1960, age 48.

We're not sure about how we feel about the recent trend of older celebs showing off their bikini bods. It kinda makes us feel as dirty as the "I lost the baby weight in 3 days and now I'm in a thong" celebrity meme.  On the one hand, of course we celebrate their hard work and the fact that they still look great in a skimpy bathing suit. On the other hand, isn't it just like wearing shorts? 

At some point, don't you just have accept that bikinis are the suit of choice for a younger woman?  Unless you are on the Italian Riviera. Bangin' body or not (emphasis on the NOT), bikinis are appropriate for all ages when you are sitting in your cabana on the beach in Positano chain smoking and rubbing Bain de Soleil all over your body in an attempt to get even more tan and leathery.  We know, we've seen it.

Maybe what makes us most uncomfortable is that fact that Kathy Griffin is one of our most favorite comediennes. We've been at her late night shows in San Francisco with all her gays (trust us, the Castro was empty that night), and she's always dressed in a full-coverage ABO (All-Black Outfit) with her gothy, clumpy black shoes.

Actually, this bikini photo shoot smacks of her gays egging her on, especially with the white couch and accessories. After all, we all know (and Alan Cumming has recently confirmed) that the gays like a celebrity who over struggles to over come fierce odds in order to succeed.  So I guess in that case we say, "Touché, Kathy!  Well played. Well played, indeed."

That's So Cougar: Walgreen's Beauty Purchases

 

Yesterday I went to Walgreen's for two items:

• Olay Definity Color Recapture anti-aging UV moisturizer + sheer illuminating coverage ($29.99 and they keep it under lock and key near the Baby Phat perfume)
• a Ped Egg ($12.99, the kind with the handle so I "don't have to bend over.")

When your almost 40, you can spend almost $50 at Walgreen's on two items without batting an eyelash. You tell yourself that at least you aren't spending $150 on face cream at a department store, and then $30 for swirly tinted moisturizer seems justified.

I had bottles of sparkly green and turquoise nail polish in my hand but decided to put them back.  I also gave my kids some Chips Ahoy cookies as we entered the store so they would let me browse in peace, but they were too fascinated by the press-on nails (and toe nails WTF?) to bother me.

—Stefania/CityMama

Yeah, You Need to Cut That Shit Off

Stefania and I receive a lot of interesting products to review. One of the most intriguing was a book called How Not to Look Old by Charla Krupp. I've never had so many guests walk in, pick up a book and read it cover to cover while the ice melted in their drinks. And that's including the couple of times Chief and I had porn on the coffee table. (It was the vintage kind, with real boobs and hipster appeal, but still, naked ladies!)

Charla has a slightly more traditional approach to "age appropriate" than we do here -- if you love black fishnets and torn jeans, then Stefania and I believe that's what you should wear. And we take our clip-in hair extensions off to the gals who can still shop in the junior section!

However, we do agree with one of Charla's rules, that a grown up lady needs a good haircut. If you have long, religious-fanatic hair, like Crystal Gayle or romance novelist (and a total idol of mine) Johanna Lindsey, then you must Cut That Shit Off. 

Waist-length -- or longer -- hair on anyone over the age of 15 just looks odd, unless you're the bound concubine of Duke Leto Atreides.

That's right. From Dune. In other words, none of you reading this right now. Snip-snip!

Look, the hair shaft gets thinner as you age, and more brittle.  No matter how much conditioner you use, or how many horse vitamins you take, as your hair gets longer it gets duller, and split ends are inevitable. Plus, a quick (but harrowing) ride on the 1 California bus in San Francisco will prove to you that women do experience pattern baldness in their later years. 

It doesn't have to be an $800 visit to the Vidal Sassoon salon, but if you want to keep your looks, you need a relationship with a hairstylist. Think shape, think grooming, think "not looking like a crazy old hippie."

The Cut That Shit Off rule also applies to Gents With Grey Beards. Dear Sirs: do not bother buying boxes of beard dye, just shave. Sure, Sean Connery looks good with a salt and pepper lip caterpillar. But he's James Bond. Most of you are not. Accept it and pass the Barbasol.

- Cat/BadKitty

Okay, Maybe Mariah Is Only 39, But That's Close Enough

On Saturday afternoon I was enjoying my Us Weekly subscription, when I saw something that jolted me out of my chair -- according to them, Mariah and her cougar bait husband just celebrated her 39th birthday, not 40th.

Shit, do we need to come up with the money for a fact checker around here? Too bad, because we're so getting a (mute) pool boy/bartender first.

It turns out that Mariah is a woman of mystery. In some places it says that she was born in 1970, in others that she was born in 1969. Her People bio says 1969, and her wikipedia page has both dates, telling you something interesting about wikipedia's reliability.

Whatever. I stand by my original post about Mariah making 40 look good, whatever her real age winds up being. There's a huge difference between 15 and 16, or 20 and 21. Even 29 and 30. But by the time you hit 39, you might as well be 40.

Once we pass 35ish, we're all in pretty much the same boat, the S.S. Thank You For Checking My ID.

Mimi's first rate ass is making us all look good, so thank you and Happy Birthday Songbutterfly!

- Cat/Bad Kitty

30 whatever face and bod, 60 whatever claws: Don't let your hands give you away

Our girlfriend and 40 whatever reader svtwinmom DMed us this article along with a note that said she fears her 40 whatever hands look like Sarah Jessica's. 

We've seen our friend's hands (we had a lot of time to examine them carefully at a recent fondue party) and we say, "Honey, you got nothing to worry about."

But it did remind us to wear our gloves while washing dishes and to keep an extra bottle of hand lotion next to our computers.

And P.S., Sarah Jessica (age 44), work it, girl. We'd kill for your bod. And high beams lights.

The Paris Hilton Wonky Eye Lesson - Find Your Good Side

One thing I learned from years of bad pictures, both of me and taking them of other people, everyone has a good side and a bad side.

And your bad side? It gets worse as you get older. So the sooner you learn the Paris Hilton Wonky Eye Lesson, the better.

Miss Paris Hilton will never be mistaken for a great beauty. Or a great brain. Or even someone who understands the basic civilities of covering your genital in public. But she is a genius when it comes to getting a good photo taken.

If you look through a stock photo site like Getty (which I get to do for my job, lucky me!) you will see page after page after page of photos of Paris looking pretty good. For her. Rarely, some photographer catches her in an unplanned pose, and that's when you see the wonky eye. And pointy beak . And shallow chest.

Seriously, the girl is homely when she doesn't have her game on.

But she didn't get to where she is by talent and luck. Paris has an iron-will and a firm concept of who she is. She always knows where the photographers are, and hits her pose for each one of them, never deviating from her gameplan.

Do you have a special event coming up -- perhaps a significant birthday -- when lots of folks will be taking your picture? If you want to look good -- and you know you do -- you must find out what your good side is.  Especially since there's a good chance you'll be drunk, and that's no time to improvise!

Here's what you need to do:

• Get a trusted friend -- if you don't have one handy, you can sorta get away with using a mirror, but remember everything is bizarro world so flip left/right
• Get a digital camera
• Take a ton of photos trying out the classic poses: The Audrina (looking up), The Zellweger (tilted head, lemon lips), The Angelina (bitchface), The Aniston ("Who-Me?" wide eyes), The Lohan (scowling hangover) et cetera -- you read Us Weekly, you know what to do
• Judge them brutally
• Determine your best pose
• Practice

When in doubt, imagine you are Paris Hilton -- a celebutard with no looks, minimal talent and a zeal for self-promotion that somehow translates into (hundreds of) thousands of dollars in appearance fees for sitting in a bar and drinking from the bottle. 

I'm not saying you'll get paid for doing what you do for free, but isn't it worth a little practice to find out?

Also, you'll like the pictures of you way better, I promise. 

- Cat/Bad Kitty