MEDICATED MOMMY MADNESS

Recently this Newsweek article about mothers taking on too much and burning out has been making the rounds on parenting websites and amongst my mom friends.  It touches on some interesting points and, surprisingly, the author lays out some thoughtful solutions instead of the article being one big gripe-fest (which it starts out to be).

While I was reading it I could feel my shoulders starting to rise because I really feel for women who try to knock themselves out being the "perfect parent."  I really think that mothers especially need to support each other more, talk to each other more, share with each other more to prevent this from happening.  I am reminded of a recent episode of Desperate Housewives where Lynette's character totally flames out trying to be Supermom, and it's not until she reaches her lowest point that her friends admit that they have a hard time sometimes, too.  Why wait until you or your friends hit rock bottom?  I don't see the point.  I share (and perhaps maybe overshare sometimes according to J.) my struggles all along the way in the hopes that it will make my friends or the three people who read this blog feel better.  I no way, shape, or form do I pretend to be perfect.  Most of the time I strive to be a "just good enough" mother.  I blogged about my Libra View of Parenting last year.  I don't have the energy to aim for perfection.  That would take too much focus away from my precious reality-TV-watching-and-trash-magazine-reading time.

I am part of the generation of post-baby boom Girls Who Could Have Done Anything that the author describes.  I'm in my mid-30's now, and looking back on my adult life so far, I feel like I have accomplished everything I wanted to do before having kids.  I think that is the great advantage to having kids later on.  So I'm an old mom.  I've had a couple of different careers, seen the world, spent lots of time getting to know my husband.  And I know enough to put myself, not my kids, first.  It's not that my own needs are leaps and bounds beyond those of my girls.  More like if this were a race of needs, it would be a photo finish.  My needs are hundredths of a second in front of my kids' needs. But I'm still ahead. 

While I am concerned about raising strong, kind, capable girls, I am far from being obsessed about being the perfect mother.  I know a couple that put their child on the waiting list for "the right preschool" the day—THE DAY!—the child was born.  I have seen parents stress about signing up for preschool and wondering if there will be any spots left in any preschool by the time their kid hits preschool age.  I know of parents that drive themselves nuts trying to keep an all-organic, TV-free, wood-toy-only household.  They live in fear of being judged by other parents.  This makes me crazy.  I'm the mom that stops at McDonald's for a Happy Meal on the way to playgroup and I don't give a shit what anyone thinks.  And if my child is being an asshole to the other kids once we get there, I will say, "If my kid hits your kid you have my permission to discipline her. By all means, let her know hitting is 'not okay.'" 

Ah, there. Didn't you just breathe a sigh a relief?  Isn't it so much easier to just not care?

As a friend said in response to this article, "I am too lazy for that!"  I agree.  I am too lazy for that. I'm so lazy that when Bunny goes out with her sitter, five minutes before they are due home I am running upstairs to change out of my pajamas.

Recently I went to see my Internist for a post-partum check up.  She asked how everything was going and I told her that I was feeling tired and overwhelmed.  I wasn't sure if it was something beyond baby blues, but even with all the support I have around me, I was feeling like I was flailing.  She said hang on a minute and then came back with a sample of Lexapro.  She said, "Take it, you'll probably feel better in a few weeks."  I asked her if it was okay to be taking this medication while nursing and she looked at me quizzically and replied, "Uh. You might want to just run it by your pediatrician."  So I did.  And my no-nonsense, tell-it-like-it-is, mother-of-three pediatrician said, "It hasn't been tested.  Do you really want your kid to be a guinea pig?  Why don't you try just getting more sleep.  Let's work on night weaning and see how you feel."

Let me be clear: I am not knocking anyone's choice to seek treatment to feel better.  It's all part of putting yourself first and I do support that.  For my situation, her advice was right.  Sleep, for me, is essential to my feeling capable, happy, and in control.  When I don't get enough sleep, my world sucks and it's a sucky place for anyone coming into contact with it.  So I am trying to put my own needs first and get enough sleep.  If that means Wallie has to cry through one night time feeding then she's gonna cry.  If I am wrecked in the morning, I can't be a good mom.  (And, trust me, the girl does not need to eat 5 times a night anymore.) 

I am concerned about the over-medication of mothers nowadays, though statistically, I'm not sure if mothers now are actually more medicated than our mothers were.  I think many women in my parents' generation turned to other drugs or alcohol to help them get through the day.  I know that, sometimes, a drink helps me to relax at the end of the day, and even as I am enjoying an evening glass of wine, I can see how easily it would be for some mothers to go from glass to bottle, into the pit of alcoholism.

So.

Whatever it is that sets you off about another mother's parenting choice, I want you to let it go.  Don't judge, and let it go. Mama is bottle-feeding?  Five year-old sucking on a pacifier?  Juice in a toddler's sippy cup?  Parents letting baby cry it out? Six year-old still riding in a stroller? Infant in daycare? Three year-old playing a video game?  Check that judgment.  Think about that mother, and how hard it is to be a mother and just let.........it.........go. (Updated to add: One exception to this rule? Speak out when a child's safety is in jeopardy. When I see kids not properly restrained in car seats, I go ballistic.  You can, too.)

Childbearing Hipster has a great message about depression posted on her blog right now and I think everyone would do well to read it.  And then I think that everyone just needs to relax.

Mothers, let's support each other.  Really support each other.  Let's not be afraid to admit when we need help or when we are concerned about our child's behavior or when we feel like we don't want to be a parent anymore and just wish sometimes we could go back to our child-free life.  All those scary, hard-to-say-outloud things. 

• No more living in fear of what others will think. That's no way to parent.
  
• No more judging. Worry about your own children.
  
• No more competing. Who cares anyway? Kids sure don't.
  

We are hurting each other by doing these things.  We are making our sisters feel terrible about themselves and their parenting choices.  We are driving our sisters in droves to medication and self-medication.  We are making them cry and feel inadequate.  And ultimately it's our children that will suffer. 

NO. MORE.

Comments

[ImtheMommythatswhy]

Roma, you are a goddess. I am going to, with your permission, print that out and pass it out at playgroup. My liitle one who is the same age as your Bunny is really testing his boundries lately and there are days when I want to curl up in the fetal position and cry. I could not make it if it was not for my girlfriends who let me know it is normal to feel this way. Thanks for writing it down and doing it so well. On that note, Im gonna go take a nap while he is napping, you dont even wanna be around me when I am sleep deprived, it aint pretty. :)

[suze]

Bless you for saying this. I've needed to hear these things a lot lately. I just saw the Newsweek article today and have been thinking about the ways I make myself crazy. I'm not really trying to be the Supermom in terms of getting my kids in the perfect programs, but I do pay close attention to what other moms are doing and whether I am doing x as well as they are.

[radha]

Amen, sister!! I don't know how many times I have fibbed about the truth when talking to other parents because I just didn't feel like gettig the ,"GASP...he doesn't ____? He/you still _____?" Why do we feel the need to compare ourselves and/or our children like that? To each their own, dude.

[one_tough_mama]

Right ON CityMama! You know, I have that Newsweek just sitting here. Haven't opened it yet because I didn't want more pressure to be that "perfect mother" I see on the cover, and the pressure is everywhere! Enough!

I like your style. I love your blog!

[afrindiemum]

CityMama, you took the words right out of my mouth. Amazing post.

[sarah]

what they said. that's so exactly how I feel but I hadn't crystallized it that well. as for me? I overuse TV, WAY overuse TV, because I'm simply incapable of spending every moment on the floor playing trains with Everett. but I need to be better at not worrying about what the "other mothers" are thinking about that.

[Meredith]

Fantastic post. I tried with my first to live up to the "all organic, no tv, etc, etc" standard. But once the second came around, I just totally burned out. Now I just chill and try to be "good enough." My kids are happier for it, and maybe one day I won't need as much Prozac. ;-)

[olivia]

hallelujah. *wooosshaah* let it go. love it. hope you'll make pdx_mama night out? am looking forward to some good release and enjoying our mama selves. we all deserve moments without critters crawling all over our limbs or moments when we don't have to wear nurse-convenient wear.

[cooper]

Wonderful post! We have Paretn Appreciation Day going on over at our blog, and the idea came about through just the emotions you are describing. So, in honor of Parent Appreciation Day, I am spreading the love and am here to say: I have enjoyed reading your blog and your insights and great vison on what it means to be a mother, have a life and have balance. It really gives us something to think about.

[NeTassha Puricelli]

To whom ever this may concern:

Last night I was watching your special on “Mommy Madness” and I found myself completely dismayed by its incorrectness that I had to turn the program off. All too often, women think that since they achieved the wonders of a college degree that “the mommy life” is going to be another area in which they can excel, another book in which they can easily read, another accomplishment on their list. No! There is no such thing as a handbook to motherhood because every child is different and every mother tends to children in their own way, there are several different kinds of “great mothers“. These women are just complaining, tell me about some real problems?---Come on… These women are middle-to-upper class and what they lack is patience and the ability to adjust to reality. They have become utterly accustomed to success, that any sign of failure causes them to “stress out” or “break down.” They are focusing on the societal pressures of motherhood rather than trying to do what is best for their children. My mother was raising four children at 22-years-old, could not afford a middle class lifestyle, and switched shifts with my father serving pizza for several years. She is now 42, proud mother of four successful young adults, and her and my father both dealt with the stress of raising 4 children and eventually 4 teenagers all at the same time. My mother was not worried about what “other mothers” were doing nor “her own personal reputation” in society. She worried about us like a true mother should. The mother on Desperate Housewives, started taking Ritalin because she was competing with the “head mother” organizing her children’s play, not for the betterment of her child’s education or spending quality time with her children. She was focusing on herself not her children. She also eventually realized that her drug addiction was not a fulfilling defense to her difficulty in controlling her children because all THOSE children really need is some good discipline. I was actually really upset by watching this ABC show because women who are given everything in life seem to think that failure does not exist. There are several obstacles in motherhood including madness, but being a mother is ABOUT THE CHILDREN not about the mother, when these “Moms going mad” come to terms with the truth they will be forced to realize that there is not a “perfect mother” just a mom who strives her to do her best. Complaining just adds to the stress it does not by any means take away from the heartache. When a woman has a child “myself” is no longer a priority.

Sincerely
An upset viewer
NeTassha Puricelli

[Jules]

Thanks so much for saying all of this, F. I vow to ALWAYS say how proud I am of my parenting/mothering skills instead of acting (NOT being) embarassed that, 1) Justin isn't potty trained or 2)we go to McD's once a week before kindermusik or 3) I'm pregnant and I STILL EAT SUSHI. FUCK EM - we're having fun and I WILL NOT lose my own idea of fun because other local mommies think I'm wrong. THANKS AGAIN. I LOVE YOU!