BROWN-HAIRED GIRLS, WE HAVE A JOB TO DO

So I'm sure you've all heard by now that Katie Holmes is going to try for a drug-free, "silent birth." Yeah. Seems like the clam people don't like their women to make noise when they give birth. Something about how noise traumatizes the baby.

I have nothing against drug-free births. I birthed both of my girls without drugs. If Katie wants to go drug-free, more power to her. But having done it twice myself, I can't imagine not being able to moan through contractions or grunt while pushing. I am so not the earth mama type, but getting all loud and primal while birthing felt...gooooood. It felt right. I wasn't screaming. I wasn't hysterical. I wasn't yelling at anyone. I was breathing the way it felt best. If my (short, pompous, toothy) partner was standing over me and admonishing me to be "silent," I would have knocked. his. ass. out.

How come Tomcruises's career isn't dead yet? How many nails does his career coffin need?! Is he not the most mocked celeb on the face of the planet? At least Britney is still loveable despite all her screw ups. You can't help but want to take Brit-Brit under your wing. ("Oh honey, we all knew he was going to be a bad father. There, there...") But Tomcruise? I'm not a violent person, but I'd sure to kick him in the nads. (Not hard. Just enough to knock some sense into him.)

Please. Someone. Free Katie! Seriously. I don't like to see brunettes fuck up like this. She's giving the brown-haired girls a bad name.  Fellow ravens, we need to band together to save our sister! Meet me at the invisible jet! Bring your bullet-proof cuffs and magic lassos!

Sigh.

Katie, when you are ready to pick up the pieces, I'll be right here. "Oh honey, we all knew he was gay. There, there...Now get out there and find the real father of your child."

Comments

[Winey]

This brown-haired girl is wishing she'd be done with her RN degree by the time Katie silently squeezes this android out. If I were her labor nurse, I'd slip her an epidural mickey disguised as a heating pad, or some Demoral ice chips. Not that I think every woman should deliver under the influence. I'd do it just to mess with Tom's game.

Waddle, Katie, Waddle!

[Melanie Lynne Hauser]

Well, I hope for her sake she doesn't have any of that "unnecessary, figment-of-her-imagination" post-partum depression. 'Cause you know what Toothy Tom thinks about that!

[begnineglect]

I think he hates women.
I have an idea: Instead of queezing his hand during her silent birth, perhaps Katie should squeeze his dick and balls...let's see how quiet this birth is going to be!

[begninneglect]

I think he hates women.
I have an idea: Instead of queezing his hand during her silent birth, perhaps Katie should squeeze his dick and balls...let's see how quiet this birth is going to be!

[Dianne]

I'm so with you on this one! It's like she's drugged or something. I mean what does she see in Tom Cruise? He's such a freak!

[crazyvirgo]

i think this is the work of a $4.95 turkey baster. how come he's been married twice and didn't knock them up? nicole was the smartest woman alive to get out before she had to hand her babies over to scientology. why don't we secretly kidnap katie, die her hair read, and see what happens....

[Alisyn]

I think this is just your basic Rosemary's Baby/The Omen type situation.

Alien needs host vessel for half-breed spawn, so: Alien brainwashes/impregnates young, impressionable female, and: Alien baby matures as one of us until it perceives it's time has come, and: The apocolypse begins.

Thanks, Tom. As if "MI:3" isn't going to be bad enough.

[Kitkat]

This is coming from a blonde dyed brunette - does that still count? I really, really hope that nothing goes wrong with her child's birth. And, I really, really hope that if something does go wrong, that Tom takes enough time to pull his head from his ass. Better yet - Katie...don't marry the SOB until after the birth - that way *your* parents have a say over your health if something happens, as next of kin.

[Cara]

Is it wrong to really hope she gets PPD? And an epidural for that matter.

[Suze]

Well, if yelling during childbirth causes trauma, then my 2nd is scarred for life b/c I was screaming my head off. Heh. He seems OK so far, but I'll make a note of this for when he's in therapy later on.

What a tool is TC. Apparently, KH has fired her manager(?)/publicist(?) and is going with TC's sister.

[Running2Ks]

Her eyeballs will pop out if she holds it in. Seriously, someone tell Tom. He might believe it.

[kat]

Okay, Cara's comment really made me laugh! How sad.

I just don't get TomKat and I hope their Tomkitten ends up perfectly normal. But then again, I used to think Katie Holmes was normal..

[Kat]

I think what they actually mean is after the baby has crowned, they have to be silent. I only know this b/c I saw John Travolta on Regis and Kathy Lee a million years ago.

But still...all other comments: ditto.

I love the Free Katie shirts. Must get one for my Us-Mag-loving best friend.

[Rowan]

I totally loved having my daughters drug free. But to not be able to make any noise? I swear, the moans moved them down.

[bitemycookie]

we should start a pool on how it's all gonna go down. i think he should just up the dosage of whatever he's got her on now. someone hit the mute button.

[Candice]

Did you hear about the part where they don't talk to the kids for the first SEVEN days of life? Weird. Can you imagine? And yeah some macho arshole probably came up with the idea of drug free birth and no noise. Sounds like some sick cult to me...

[momz]

pssssst. the real daddy is chris klien...

yup! yup! two reliable sources have pssssted this "fact" to me over hush-hush calls.

I do not know what to believe. All I know is that Tom Cruise's penis could not do such a thing. No, sirree.

Regardless, it is all very fun to make fun of.

[benignneglect]

Evil giggle ... need to pump my west Hollywood source who might have seen this Tom cat cruising...

[mp]

Hey - found you from Aitch's blog and HAD to give a shout out to a fellow Portland gal! We live in Eugene for now (and for the past 3 years of law school) but will hopefully be moving back home soon. Also? I used to be a high tech dotcom type of marketing manager, back before kids, and even lived in the Bay Area for a short spell. I, too, have two young kids (a boy age 4 and a girl nearly (very!) 2) Btw, 4 is much better than 3, don't worry. Are we twins? Anyway, enjoy the blog and will be sure to return. Both to the blog and to Portland (former house in SW, but first house in NE - love NE! Have many friends and a sister in NE - who can afford it anymore??)

Cheers,
MP

www.mpchickchat.blogspot.com

[Jane]

I've given birth 7 times - and I am a Scientologist. Scientology "silent birth" is NOT about keeping th emother from making noise during labor and birth. It looks like one misinformed "journalist" wrote this - and other "journalists" who don't know how to do their own research found it on the internet, and have rehashed and rehashed this mistaken story.

Scientologist mothers can moan, groan, cry, yell, scream, whatever they want during birth!!! We can get epidurals, narcotics, use Lamaze or the Bradley method, etc., etc. Whatever we - and our doctors and nurses - feel is best for our particular situation. (Although we do tend to prefer fewer drugs, that is still up to the individual mother.)

Most Scientologists practice "preventive Dianetics" - which means that we don't use WORDS in the vicinity of anyone in pain. So we ask our doctors and nurses to refrain from speaking WHENEVER POSSIBLE when we are in pain. Including during labor and childbirth.

I fail to see how a woman requesting that her doctors and nurses keep the chitchat to a minimum during labor and birth is a violation of the rights of the mother!! My doctors and nurses and midwives have always been fine with this request - it's not anything that Dr. Bradley and Dr. LeBoyer didn't advise, anyway.