WEIGHTY ISSUES

MIM wrote a post recently that I've been thinking about all weekend. (This isn't the first time, her posts often stay with me.)  She and her fellow students in her psychopathology class were discussing a journal article on bulimia and were speculating on why most of the subjects were married women. MIM says she stunned her peers by saying this:

When you’re single, you want to be in good shape not just for yourself, but so that you can feel confident about how you look and feel like you can attract a partner. When you’re married – and especially after having kids – you’re conscious about your weight, which may motivate you to watch what you eat and exercise, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll develop an eating disorder. I am conscious of my weight, so I don’t snack, and I exercise. Personally, I think it would be unfair to Husband if I gained a bunch of weight and did nothing about it.”

The gist of her post is that it's "false advertising" to present yourself one way (as fit, trim etc.) pre-marriage and then change (by gaining weight, letting yourself go) post-marriage.

If I were in her class, you could probably count me among her stunned peers. Stunned because I guess I never put that much time and energy into trying to "catch a man," as it were. Sure we all want to look our best and we feel better about ourselves when we do. Completely agree with the fit=healthy point that MIM is making. However, I just always kinda felt that I'd meet someone eventually, and that person would love me for me (...and my sass and intellect, of course. *tiny eye roll*.)

Physical attraction may be what initially draws us to the person, but we go into long-term relationships or marriage expecting our partners to change, right? So the rest of picture had better be complete. I mean, some of us will gain weight, some of us will go gray prematurely or lose our hair, some of us will have wrinkles, some of us will be stooped, some of us may end up walking with a cane.

We're all not going to be the people we were when we got married. Is that false advertising or just life? We should love the person we chose to be with for all of their wonderful complexities and multi-factedness. Otherwise, I'm sure Donald Trump will be available as soon as Melania loses her shine.

One could also change by cutting her/his hair. MIM explains:

I had plenty of friends who had grown their hair long while single, only to cut it all off in favor of a “practical style” soon after the nuptials. I always thought this a bit unfair – sort of like false advertising. These women used their long hair to attract their husbands, but once the deal was sealed, they’d cut it all off.

I have to poke fun a little bit and say that I think it's hilarious that there are women who use their hair to attract men. (Behold! The hair!) I know there are women out there who are really attached to their long hair, as if it is the ultimate symbol of their sexyness and feminity. (I call this the "Jane Seymour Syndrome.") Short-haired women are all softball-playing lesbians, right?

The fact that there are people out there who dictate the way their wife's/partner's hair should look just boggles me. Oh, I know these asshole control freaks are out there, and I thank the universe everyday that I am not married to one of them. I mean, are there really are men (or women) out there who would be deeply disappointed—just crushed and devastated—if their long-haired partner suddenly cut her hair short? And the women put up with that bullshit? To me, the issue runs far deeper than "false advertising."

I agree with MIM and the commenters who said that people should be healthy, and when you are fit you feel better, look better and all that. But at the same time, I feel for the people who don't like the way they look and/or who have partners that are contributing to the problem. As someone whose weight has been up and down since college, I made a conscious effort to pick a partner who would love me and support me no matter what.

Right now, post baby number two, and in a space in my life where I haven't worked out regularly in three years, I'm feeling a little down on myself, too. For me, it's all about exercise. When I can do it at my former frequency (at least 4x/week), the weight melts off. When I can't, it sticks like glue. but through it all, fit or fat, there's my husband J.

J. who never, in the almost 12 years that we've been married, has said, "Honey, are you depressed?" or "Yeah, your ass does look big in those pants." or "Maybe you should work out."

Yesterday, while we were chatting on the couch, J. leaned over, gave me a hug, and said, "You're beautiful."

My first reaction was to say, "No..." and everything that goes with that. (You know, you've said it.) He cut me off and said a bunch of other mushy, lovey stuff.

So what I want to say is this: maybe it's not just about false advertising. Maybe it's about having (and choosing for a life partner) a quality product to begin with. And, that's what I'm going to tell my girls.

Comments

[aarin]

good post at a good time (for me). since i was a teenager i have had body issues. and for the last 10 years my wiight has been up and down without enough time to exercise, particularly with a demanding of toddler. also, i have an amazing husband who doesn't give a shit about the weight except when it gets me down because he wants me to be happy. after so many years it's still an issue for me.

i particularly appreciate your last statement. it's a message girls really need to hear and yours are very lucky to have you!

[Leah]

Very well said!

[Mom101]

And how many men do you think, right now at this very moment, are sitting around fretting that they'd better start working on those love handles immediately, else their wives leave them on account of "false advertising."

We've come a short way, baby.

[lesbonstemps]

MIM's post hit home for me because here in SoCal a lot of women seem to be really obsessed with their appearance, wearing the right brands, etc. I just don't have the time or money for that kind of maintenance.

"False advertising" makes it sound like wives are a product to be bought and sold. How very retro.

What it comes down to, for me, is that it's *my body* and no one else, not even my husband, has the right to dictate how it looks. I do try to stay in shape, but it's for me, not him.

[Kristen]

I commented on MIM's post as well. Similar to what Mom-101 said in that I'm quite certain no men think about this.

You would hope that when you are with someone (married or not) for a long time, that you understand (especially post childbirth) that you may look different. Do you deserve any "less" love or should you feel obligated to look how you did? NO.

[Wood]

Great post. I agree with you completely -- MIM has a point about self-respect and being fit and healthy, but I don't see the "false advertising" point. When we make the decision to be with someone for life, we are saying that we've found someone we want to grow old with. And growing old means not looking like you did when you were 25. And that's a good thing.

[Mama C-ta]

Amen! My husband loves long hair and I kept it long mainly for him as long as I could. And now it's 6 inches shorter :) He has weight issues (not that I am perfect) but I love him and find him just as attractive if he's 150 lbs or 350. He was skinny when we first started dating and I don't want to sue the manufacturer for false advertising. I'm very pleased with the overall product.

[Bella]

MIM's post has been bugging me and I've thought about the issue a few different ways since I read it a couple of days ago. This was exactly what I was trying (and failing) to articulate. Thanks!

[sweetchaos]

I don't know. I think MIM's kind-of got a point. I gained a bit of weight after my then-boyfriend-now-husband and I got together, I've never lost it. However, I've had several pregnancies, one child, and returned to the same weight I've been for the last 10 years.

I am dismayed that more women don't want to maintain a healthy weight for themselves, regardless of marriage. Marriage is not a time to "plump up a bit", for either spouse.

My husband has lost 20lbs and then regained, and is now losing weight again due to hectic work schedules. I am most attracted to him at a healthy weight.

I would expect my husband, out of concern for me, to ask what the hell was going on if I suddenly gained 30lbs. If he's tuned into me as a person, not as a wife, but as a friend, he would ask what was going on. Hopefully at 10lbs and not at 30lbs.

I would do the same for him.

[CityMama]

Lesbons—I went to college in LA. What an eye-opening experience that was for this NorCal girl. You could almost tell the difference between "the Two Californias" by sight. The Northern Californians would roll to class in sweats. The Southern Californians would roll to class in white leather. (It was the late 80's and I went to college in a Whitesnake video, apparently.)

And SweetChaos, I think that some people maybe just don't care that much. It is hard for me to believe that there are people that can feel different levels of love for a person depending on how much weight they've gained or lost. I guess it is equally hard for people to believe that there are people (couples) that don't care. J. and I only have ourselves to impress, not anyone else. And like Mama C-ta says, I'm happy with the overall product and I know J. is, too.

[MIM]

For the record, Husband doesn't dictate how I look. If he did, I might not be wearing braces on my teeth right now. I keep my long hair because a) I love it, and b) I love it that he loves it. As Buttercup, one of my commenters said, I love feeling sexy for my man.

And, yes, some women do care about how they look to attract a man. Just ask my two very dear friends who are in their late 30s, single, and very much want to be married with a family. There's nothing wrong with caring about whether or not men think you're attractive -- it's called "evolution." It's part of the mating dance that many women have to play a lot longer than the rest of us because they didn't marry their junior high school sweethearts (like I did).

[lotuslaments]

CM - I am with you!! I am lucky enough to be with a man who is more concerned about health and happiness than weight and hair length and HAS NEVER said anything about my weight highs or lows for that matter and nary a word when I cut off my long hair. And believe me my weight and hair lenghts have both moved up and down --
He will, however, support me in any endeavors I make to take care of myself whether that is my 5K runs four times a week or laying on the couch relaxing with Season One of 6 Feet Under on the DVD player.

He loves me as I am - ever changing as I am and shall be in the decades to come.

[MIM]

Hold the phone, CityMama. I never said anything about LOVING the person less. That's totally ridiculous. I am, however, talking about possibly feeling less sexual towards that person, which CAN happen and does happen for some people.

And, yes, for some couples, this is not an issue. But for many couples it is. I have some friends AND family members who are dealing with this right now. These people don't love their spouses less, but it IS affecting their sex lives, which affects their overall emotional intimacy.

[sweetchaos]

I totally get that some people just don't care that much, but for my marriage I firmly believe that caring is asking what's going on with a spouse. Whether that be weight gain, or a drastic (very long hair to very short hair) change -- a checking in of sorts.

My mother-in-law, about 2 years ago, lost 70 lbs. No one asked what was going on -- she'd been having an affair.

I'm not saying that's always the case, but a drastic change in appearance can mean something.

[CityMama]

Hey MIM, didn't mean to imply that you loved your hubs less (or that he would love you less) should anything change. I was thinking about comments and speaking in a very general way, not trying to call you out.

I thought your orig. post was very thought provoking and worthy of discussion, but something about it nagged at me all weekend. And I think it's the undercurrent of placing so much value on physical appearance. I know you presented both sides of the story, but really, the burden always seems to rest on the woman's shoulders to look good for her man. (Again, not that you said this specifically.) I mean, what is the male equivalent of wearing sexy lingerie for your partner? What is the male equivalent of the Victoria's Secret commercial?

Yes, mating rituals stretch far back into time, but the onus has always on the woman to be attractive to the man, if not through her physical beauty, then by offering up something else (money/property/land, intra-familial ties, the chance at bearing sons, etc.).

What it all boils down to for me is how much you (3rd person plural, not *you*) value appearances. For some people, having a fit partner and being fit themselves is high on their list. Good for them. I'm different (though I'd like to be healthy), I prioritize my values differently, and good for me, too.

Lastly, I wanted to say that this topic has many layers. We all come to the table with our own unique persective (read: baggage). As someone who has weight issues, I could never be with someone who noticed every time I gained or lost 10 lbs. I love that J. is "blind" in that regard, and it doesn't mean he is uncaring. (To address the excellent points that Sweetchaos makes.) Quite the opposite, in fact. J. is the most decent person you could ever hope to meet and exactly the kind of person I hope my girls seek out in a partner. That's where I am coming from on this issue.

[Izzy]

Tell it, sister! I hope to teach my daughter (and son) the same thing.

[HeatherJ]

After the birth of our second daughter I have felt down on myself. I do want to get back to being healthy like I was several years ago. I know that the better I feel about my body the more comfortable I will feel again. I think the hardest thing about dealing with your body after you have a baby is how different you feel in your skin. I think that losing weight, having long hair, wearing make up should be because of how it makes you feel. If it makes you feel better than do it. If I spend the day with my hair pulled back, sweats on, and no contacts I feel like a lazy ass. When I dress up, put a little make up on and actually do my hair I feel so much more confident, prettier and in turn much more of a flirt with my husband.

I think as a mother to daughters I need to teach them to always do what feels right for themselves first because if you feel good then you will be able to be more yourself, a better friend, mama, wife, whatever.

[bomas]

"behold! the hair!"hee.

[Gerah]

EXACTLY.

[Katie]

LOVING CityMama's take on this. MIM, I've read your blog, and I'm not surprised that you feel the way you do. I chose a partner who doesn't care if my hair is long or short. If *I* like it long, I grow it, it not, I wear a bob. Honestly, I feel bad for those wives out there who think in terms of "false advertising." And to disguise your obsession with weight, working out and looking buff under the umbrella heading of "being healthy" in laughable. And transparent.
Katie

[Linda B]

I agree with some of what MIM said but the part about "false advertising" has me scratching my head a bit. After five years of marriage, I would HOPE that both J and I would have changed - in both appearance and mentally. Five years ago when I got married, I was pretty naive and narrow minded. Marriage and life have really opened my eyes to things and have changed me in many ways. Since then, I've had a baby and have number two on the way. Nothing makes you feel more self conscious than gaining baby weight but nothing makes you more confident and content than experiencing childbirth and embracing your God given body.

Honestly, I try to stay thin and look nice because I'm vain. My husband could care less if I cut my hair in a bob or if I put on 10 lbs, but I would care if I didn't look good. All he cares about is that I am happy with the way I am. As cliche as that sounds, my happiness obviously dictates my mood, which dictates how I act around my husband, which dictates whether or not he enjoys being around me. I want him to enjoy spending time with his wife regardless of what I look like, as long as I am not complaining or unhappy about something over which I have control. He has never once said to me that I look heavier or that I should grow my hair long. Because after being together for 10 years, we know each other's good and bad. And we're still together. 10 extra pounds or a bad haircut isn't going to change that. Or, it shouldn't anyways.

Side note - My big pet peeve that so many women think only long hair is pretty. Have you seen Natalie Portman lately? GORGEOUS.

[Marivi]

My friend's balding, chain-smoking husband dares to complain about her hefty weight: 140 lbs at 5 ft.9! She is such a babe! I had to calculate her BMI to prove to her that she is not medically overweight. Her husband had her thoroughly convinced that she is obese. So, so sad... I have other friends married to very wealthy men who face a similar dilemma. Some of these men really do just want the "trophy" to show off to their competitors and peers. The women get to live in a gilded cage - and obsess about staying thin lest they be traded in for a shinier, skinnier model. NO THANKS!

[Natalee]

Interesting debate-on both sides.

I, like you CM, am lucky enough to have a man that loves me warts and all. I now weigh 80 lbs more than when I met my husband 11 years ago, mostly due to "comfort eating" from infertility-related depression. While this qualifies me as being obese, my husband's only concern is for my health and mental happiness, not what the scale says. He knows I'm not happy with my looks, but he still thinks I'm beautiful, and his sexual desire towards has not waned in the least (In fact, he thinks we don't have sex often enough-every night would be great for him! And I feel perfectly comfortable in the nude around him, so that's not an issue either). Perhaps it is his comfort with how I look that deters my motivation to do something about my weight for myself? If my husband has any critiques at all, it is that I complain too much about my weight-he feels that if I'm not happy, I should do something about it, and he's right. But, it is a soothing balm to know that I am loved and adored no matter what my appearance may be.

I'm glad you have a great hubby, and you're lucky to have such a wonderful role model for your children to look up to.

[nina]

MIM's post stuck with me this week too. I found myself thinking about it because I both agreed and disagreed with what she was saying. The concern about self-respect was valid, but somehow the jump between that and the value or even beauty you have in your spouse's eyes didn't quite measure.
My dad use to harp on my mom to exercise. She was really thin in her 20's and 30's and then gained some weight in her 40's and 50's after 3 kids and law school and no exercise. Even though I knew my dad did it partly out of concern for her overall health, I HATED hearing it. I guess since I myself had body-image issues, I couldn't imagine the man I loved putting me down for my physical apeparance.
Even with my post-baby pudge and saggy boobs and when was the last time I washed my face much less took a shower look, Charlie still tells me I'm beautiful. And even though he's put on a few pounds since the baby came (no time for gym!) and doesn't get as many showers and forgets to shave, I still think he's hot! =P

[Alisyn]

There are so many things that made my hackles rise while reading MIM's post. "False advertising?" Cutting you hair short = letting yourself go? What year is this woman living in?? MIM presents herself as very self-assured and research-driven, but seriously? It's not healthy to place that much importance on what you look like, and it's really dangerous to place so much stock in what your man thinks of what you look like.

Is not the point of human existance to grow, to evolve, to change? Does not the state of motherhood itself dictate that you learn to work with your body as it grows, births and feeds your babies, and respect it, whatever it looks like, for doing so? And, to my understanding, marriage should be a celebration of growth and change for both partners -- and an unconditional support system. No judgements. No critics.

While I agree that happiness in one's body is essential to healthy living, I think that if we, as women, let go of the ridiculous standards that are held over us by media images, we would all be a lot happier and healthier. We come in all shapes and sizes and there is NOTHING wrong with loving who you are, whether you are at a low weight or a high one, whether you are feeling "fit" or "fat." The important thing, for me, is to be happy in life BECAUSE you are in your body, not depsite it.