Words that start with the letter "G": Girls, guns, grief

My apologies to those that skipped yesterday's rant in the hopes of finding something more uplifting here today.

Last week, in Colorado, a man rounded up high school girls, sexually assaulted them, let all but two go, and then shot one of them in the head—killing her—before killing himself.

As I was struggling through my "bad day" on Monday, a man entered a one-room schoolhouse lined up 10 girls against the blackboard, wired their legs together, and shot them in the head, execution-style, before turning the gun on himself.

Five girls died. The youngest was six. Two were sisters. Five remain in the hospital where they are fighting for their lives.

Suicide was too good an end for those murderers. Too bad they will never have to suffer the consequences for their heinous actions. But what I want to know is this:

If small children aren't safe in an Amish schoolhouse in a peace-loving community then where are they safe?

What must our country look like to the rest of the world? People must think we live in the Wild West. I'm sure there are citizens of our planet who think, "No wonder the US goes around destroying countries (so that certain American companies can get rich rebuilding them). Look at how Americans treat each other?" And we watch in starry-eyed wonder as celebrities make speeches about Darfur and we knit our brows and shake our heads at the terrible, terrible atrocities being commited there.  Genocide is happening in our own country every day. I don't want this post to be about gun control, but let's just say if you are pro-gun, we probably can't be friends. And I definitely don't want my kids playing at your house. (Yes, international readers, believe it or not, I'm an American that doesn't own a gun. Shocking isn't it?*)

Stand up and do something about guns, George Clooney. Tell young boys to stop calling each other "faggot" and "sissy" when they are expressing their emotions, Kanye West. Tell them it's okay to cry instead of "taking it like a man," Brad Pitt.

(Three more words that start with the letter "G": Government, genocide, George)

It's enough to make me want to lock up my children forever. Most of the time I try not to think about "the worst." I don't want fear to overshadow my life, but everytime I hear about another school shooting it makes me a little more wary about sending my children out into the world. The world of people who want to harm innocent people. The world of men who prey on girls. (My kid goes to a Jewish preschool where guards search the trunks of every car entering the garage, trust me, I think about this a lot.)

When men stop me on the street to tell me that my girls are beautiful, I cringe a little inside as I mutter, "Thank you," and then quickly whisk them onward. Bunny and Wallie will have male teachers and male coaches. Will I ever be able to trust that they won't try to harm my girls in some way? What about their friends' older brothers or fathers when they have sleep-overs? My mind can go to some very dark places, and that is why we talk about how our bodies belong to us. How if anyone touches your private areas you runaway and then tell. How adults don't make children keep secrets. How if they do they need to tell me anyway.

As the mother of two girls, the fact that girls were specifically targeted in these latest shootings crushes me. That doesn't mean I'd feel less horrified if it were young boys that were singled out, but to purposely target girls, sexually assault them (or plan to as in the Amish case), and then shoot them is just sickening.

It seems that in both of these recent school shootings the men had issues with girls. The man who killed those little Amish girls told his wife he had molested two young relatives 20 years ago and had thoughts of doing it again. He had a lot of ammunition on him and wasn't planning on coming out of that schoolhouse alive.

Who dropped the ball with these men? Who is to blame for them not being able to deal with their feelings? Feelings of so much rage that the only way to dull the pain was to lash out at innocent, defenseless girls? Whose fault is it? Who let them down? Is it bad parenting? Harsh circumstances? Someone hurting them as a child? A society that values strong, stoic men?

(Three more: Guilt, goal, gone)

Last night J. and I discussed all of this and why it's always a man that commits these heinous acts. We could not think of a time when a woman went on a senseless killing spree. Of course, women have done, but why does it seem like it's mostly the men that lose it and turn violent, taking out their aggression on innocent people...children...girls?

I could feel J. getting angrier and angrier as we talked. He couldn't bring himself to say anything about the Amish school girls, he just closed his eyes. One of the schools we are considering next year is an all-girls school. J. feels fairly strongly that he doesn't want our girls around "boy energy" in a school setting. This is interesting coming from a man. I'm trying to keep it all in perspective, after all, she'll be in kindergarten. He's feeling protective and rightly so. He wants our girls to have every educational advantage. What parent doesn't? He's also reading Failing at Fairness and his eyes are opening to a world he never fully understood until now. On school tours he's watching how often teachers call on girls, and if boys are getting more attention, either positive or negative. (Parents of boys [and girls], feel free to speak up about this.)

How do I feel about it? I'm not sure. I'm concerned about socialization, but we have plenty of "boy" friends. I certainly don't want to blame boys for all the problems girls have in school because that's simply ridiculous. After all, they make movies about the mean girls in school. J. isn't blaming them either, but I see where he is coming from. I went to an all-girls school for junior high. Looking back, I loved being on equal footing with my peers, I just didn't like the school culture. I'm not completely in the all-girl-school camp; like any good Libra, I can see arguments for both sides.

Wherever my girls end up going to school, I just want them to be safe. I don't want them to fear for their lives in an environment where they are supposed to be expanding their minds, developing friendships, and having fun. How do you tell a child that schools are where bad things happen sometimes? I mean, I look at Bunny now and I can't imagine how she could possibly grasp that. Not like I'm going to tell her now—I wouldn't do that—but I can't imagine what she'll think when she's old enough to understand what's going on. I'm sure all parents think that their school is safe and that no harm could come to their children within its walls. Certainly those Amish parents did.

What I need so badly right now is to believe in one last G-word as it pertains to the world:

Good.

*I mention this because I spent a year teaching English to foreigners (one of the best jobs I have ever had). The number one question I was asked was, "Do you own a gun?"

Comments

[chris]

The fear is different for raising boys and raising girls. I fear for my sons, but in a different way.

I can not even wrap my mind around all this horror, you know?

I went to an all girls private school from fifth grade through tenth grade. (I switched to a co-ed school in eleventh.) And it was wonderful and empowering.

[Angela]

CityMama, I couldn't have said it better. I have the same fears regarding the world and the craziness that exists. My daughter is almost 9 and my son is 5, they don't know about the recent school murders in the U.S. or the murder of a college student in Montreal a few weeks ago. It breaks my heart that school is no longer a safe place. Their school routinely practices "lockdown" drills, sadly it is now the norm.

Unfortunately, Canada was one of the first places where a gunman shot students and specifically targeted women. In Dec 1989, a crazed gunman killed 14 women at a college in Montreal, he hated women and blamed them for all his problems. I was a university student in Toronto and I distinctly remember where I was when I heard the news, I was in my room studying when the news came on the radio, I felt stunned and horrified. I attended a memorial service a few nights later. The feelings of sadness, disbelief and anger were overwhelming.

The men who committed these heinous crimes let themselves down, yes, I'm sure society, parents and law enforcement probably let them down too, but not every child who is molested or abused becomes an abuser. We all need to speak out and intervene when we see a child being abused, yes, it is our business because that little child today could become a monster years down the road unless intervention and help is forthcoming. I don't have any answers to this madness and evil, just profound sadness that these men felt such rage, pain and hate that they had to shatter the lives of innocent people.

Regarding same sex schools, there is an all girls Catholic high school in our area, when the time comes we will research all the possible schools and let my daughter make the decision. However, I also believe that an all girls school will allow her to learn without the added pressure of being seen as 'too smart' in front of the boys.

It's really hard to remember all that is good in the world when we are faced with unspeakable evil. For me, when I kiss and hug my children I squeeze and hold them a little longer, that's my 'good'.

[sweetney]

it all just makes me heart-sick and nauseous. but thank you for articulating all this, as i really can't find the language to talk about it right now.

[Lorraine]

You've articulated so many of my thoughts.
Just like J, my husband too just closes his eyes and says "I can't talk about it".
My girls are 3 and 19 months and the thought of anyone ever damaging them or hurting them beyond repair, makes me feel physically sick and sucks the wind out of me.
My sister is a Social Worker and the mother of 3 girls (as was, ironically, my mother) and both of them have said that NEVER would they let a teenaged boy stay alone with children.
Boys (even the most behaved, "normal" boys) have urges that some can't control.
They have seen it time and time and time again where lives are ruined because of this situation.
Anyway, I have a hard time articulating my horror and fear over this.
Man's depravity towards man has been appalling since the beginning of time... but it's the depravity against children that still sends shock waves through my soul.

[Anon for this one]

I'm a huge fan of all girls schools but worry about the "snob" factor at the San Francisco ones. The daughter of a very grounded, down-to-earth friend has come home from kindergarten saying some pretty astounding things about which neighborhoods are too gritty, which houses are too small, which cars are crappy, etc... all things she's picked up at school.

[CityMama]

Anon, that's exactly why I left my all girls school--the snob factor. It really was a different world. Diversity in a school is important but so is a wide-range of socio-economic backgrounds.

We've already dealt with having a preschool friend tell Bunny that "her house was small" and that she didn't have "too many toys" and that maybe she'd ask her mom to "buy her some more."

In preschool.

[Grrrlfriend Jess]

In another life, I was a Women Studies professor who was very much inside the academic world of analysis and activism against violence against women. Ending violence against women and empowering survivors was one of my research and activist specialties. What happens in this world to women and girls at the hands of men is horrifying, heart-breaking. What happens in our own backyard to women and girls is also horrifying and heart-breaking.

As much as I want to close my eyes and ears to hearing more, my heart won't let me rest there. I need some hope. I just do. Here is a good thing: There are hundreds of AMAZING organizations centered on and advocating for girls right now. They are empowering, honest, incredible organizations.

Right here in Chicago, The Girls Best Friend Foundation, Sisters Empowering Sisters, Go Girl Go, Run Girl Run, Girls Best Friend Foundation, Chicago Girls Coalition and many, many others are making girls lives better, richer, safer. To see these organizations mobilize girls and empower them to speak up and stand strong is awesome. I really believe this is the key to growing generations of women who are safer and freer from sexism's hold.

I am a mother of a boy. I know that I am called to raise a boy who loves and respects people, who understands the intricacies of -isms, and who sees equity in his home.

I was blown away, humbled, and enlightened to recently watch Raising Cain, a documentary (based on a book) about the inner emotional lives of boys. A big focus is how parents and schools neglect boys' developmental needs. It makes a good case for single-sex education, quite honestly. I guess the point is that it is imperative that we key in as much as possible to our children's emotional and developmental needs. Maybe that means all-girls or all-boys education. Maybe that means getting healthier ourselves (thank you, therapy). Maybe that means a good dose of hope to match our fears.

After all, as cliche as it is (damn you, Whitney) - our kids are our future (stop giggling...yes, I quoted it) and I really think we have to believe they will thrive in the world once they are out in it.

Phew....end scene.

[Marivi]

I got a knot in my stomach reading your comment on Bunny's preschool friend. How did you handle that?

I *rarely* had friends over to my house growing up because even though we lived in a very nice place, we did not live in a "compound" like many of my school friends, who had tennnis courts, swimming pools and in some cases, bowling alleys and discos on their estates. We were *hardly* empoverished, but I always felt poor and too ashamed to bring new friends home.

How do we spare our kids in a city like SF?

How did you handle the situation with Bunny?

[CityMama]

Marivi, Growing up I suppose we were the "compound family." In Hawaii, it's different, more casual, not as overt... We didn't have the bowling alley or disco, but my family, due to my grandfather's success, was very comfortable. My mother drilled it into our heads, however, that we were never ever NEVER to talk about money or monetary things. EVER. I took it to heart so much that whenever people asked about things that I had (clothes esp) I lied and told them they came from "normal" places that weren't "fancy." (Gah, there is an extended post in here somewhere...)

When we moved to California I think I was sort of relieved to be able to blend in a little more, esp. since at that time I don't think people here thought that "ethnic" families did well for themselves at something other than owning grocery stores or moving lawns. To this day, I like my blend-in-ability and make conscious efforts not to draw attention to my background. I don't really talk openly about how I was raised. I'm trying to do it more unapogetically, but it still makes me feel really uncomfortable. I guess I'm afraid of what others will say.

I was right there when our little preschool friend said those things. Bunny didn't seem phased so I didn't say anything. We do try to de-emphasize toys etc. and give away things as we get new things, etc. I'm sure she just thought that girl was crazy. And, really, I don't fault her at all. She was probably just repeating what she hears the adults in her life say.

[kathleen]

I also think watching the PBS documentary "Raising Cain" was very eye opening. I missed it on TV, but borrowed it from the library. As the mother of a 4 yr old boy, I am intimidated at times at the prospect of keeping my kid on track to being a sensitive, caring grown man. I highly recommend this video, as it shows how physical boys are, how violent their fantasy lives are, and how fear can throw them into gang violence. Boys are different and we as a culture need to figure out what they need in order to grow up to be good men, husbands, and fathers.

[HeatherJ]

I think about these things ALL the time. I love having girls but I find as they get older I worry more and more about them going out into the big, bad, world. I also wonder why these events are always caused by men and not women.

We are also discussing Kindergarten for Cat. I really want to support public schools but with all the changes up here, especially at our neighborhood school next year I am a little worried.

I often have to push any bad thoughts out of my head. I need to concentrate on the here and now and not what might happen.

[Alison]

wow- CM, you are in my head....other events have saddened/upset me recently too involving male on female violence and this does concern me a) as a member of society and b) as a mother of a son....can't he be the exception? the one who doesn't rape, kill, or molest females of any age? maybe he needs an all male high school (in 12 yrs) we were just discussing this the other day.guess I need to see Raising Cain? Maybe I need a gay boy? They don't seem to go on killing sprees, or at least an uber-metrosexual...

[sherry]

The week before the most recent Colorado shooting, someone here in Montreal walked into Dawson College and shot more than 20 people, killing one, and finally killing himself. It didn't seem to be gender-related. However, another shooting in Montreal was done by a male engineering student at a French univsersity - disgusted by women in a "male" field, he shot and killed all his female classmates.

It scares me. It scares me because next year my oldest starts school and I want to protect her from the world even though I know you just can't.

[KTP]

You took the words right out of my mouth. Er, fingers. If you're not safe in an Amish school in the middle of nowhere, where are you safe? I considered homeschooling after that. I'm still in shock.

[shel]

you took all the thoughts that were spinning in my head over the last week or so and very eloquently put them in blog form.

what is happening to our world?

[Velma]

I've been wracked with anxiety and filled with horror at these latest school shootings. If I had my way, radical gun control would go into full effect immediately. It's a simple equation: in countries where people have easy access to guns, people kill each other with guns. In countries where people don't have easy access to guns, people still kill each other, but they don't have these type of killing sprees.

Unfortunately, this won't happen in my lifetime, especially with the societal damage that 8 years of the current administration's cavalier attitude toward non-fetal human life has done. What's new is this type of combination killing spree/sexual abuse fantasy, aimed directly at young girls. That's what is so extra horrific, and I don't know the answers to any of it, or how to protect my daughter.

[Ms. BL]

Boys....why do they grow up to be so heinous? I think about this a lot and one of the problems (among many) is the complete hypocrisy and mixed message that we drown in. On the one hand, we're a very puritanical country, still wrestling with whether or not to teach children about birth control much less sex. That's the dark ages. And yet we are bombarded with negative (note: NEGATIVE) sexual images with men dominating and domineering women. Yet, we are told SEX IS BAD and VIOLENCE IS GOOD and to mix sex with violence is the best! All of this falls squarely into the lap of our males, unfortunately for them. Women/girls, while affected by it, have one another to sort it through and find their identity.We have cushions and safe havens. Boys often don't have good male role models, often have terrible ones and what they learn from other boys is "don;t show emotion, don't ask questions, don't appear to be confused."

Oh, yeah...the complete access to firearms really raises the stakes, don't it?

At the same time, I won't be keeping my girl away from boys. I don't want them to be foreign to her (that scares me a lot more). I will look for smaller schools like I went to in high school where my best friend was a boy. He was sweet and safe as they come. Of course, no one wanted to date him. Nope, we all went through our long line of bad boys before we wisened up. And some of us never do.

The other problem I see is that North American males don't dance. Men all over the world dance, but our men...well, largely our white men, don't and will not dance. There's got to be something to that.

[Heather M]

Echo here from the "where are they safe?" camp.

I am the mom of an outgoing, rambunctious, sensitive boy and in the same way that you might worry about your girls getting the most of their eduction, I worry about my son. That in all the ways schools cater to the way girls learn better, they will stifle his energy or been inclined to tag him as "ADHD".

I worry about raising him to be aware of his surroundings without being fearful, to treat everyone with dignity and respect, and to expect to be treated that way as well.

Preschool, much to my surprise, is opening a lot of doors for these conversations. Which I'm thankful for, and then worry more.

I've decided that being a mom means worrying all the time about a million little things.

[DavidR]

Being a father to a daughter and a son, I pondered what is the progression in these males characters that drive them to the edge. Constant self-denigration to the point of losing all self-esteem and becoming litteraly delusional?

I don't know of any organisation or self help group for men with low self-esteem. It's litteraly taboo...I would go as far a saying depression for men is also very much taboo.

My father went into a depression and my feelings of him being a failure were really strong when what he needed was support.

Could it be this simple? That men with self-confidence issues can't get support but even worse get laughed at by other males?

I don't have the answers and I will continue to reflect, thanks for brigning a hard but powerful topic.

Finally, Alison, I am really offended to this 'generalist' comment. It also frightens me that no other wife of good husbands/sons reacted.
'as a mother of a son....can't he be the exception? the one who doesn't rape, kill, or molest females of any age?'

[Jollijude]

GOD! These things started happening when we took our God out of schools....

[Denzylle]

Jollijude, I'm not sure how to interpret your sparse comment but, if you mean 'these things started happening since' schools stopped including religion in teaching, your argument is flawed.

I live in the UK and, in 1996, one gunman murdered 16 five and six year olds and their teacher in a small, quiet, community school in Dunblane, a beautiful part of Scotland. This was a greater loss of life in a school incident even than Columbine.

All schools in the UK include religious education in the curriculum and begin the day with communal worship which is based upon Christianity but which also seeks to recognise the existence of other faiths. Religious schools - and there are many, Catholic, Muslim, Jewish - go even further.

So, schools which include God in teaching are not immune to manmade tragedies.

God permeated that schoolhouse in Paradise. He is innate in every aspect of the lives of the Amish, and His presence did not prevent this tragedy. In fact, if the reports are to be believed, the presence of God in the lives of the Amish was perhaps even a contributory factor which triggered the gunman's actions.

(And just to clarify - I'm a believer who is totally against any form of organised religion - probably closest to being a Humanist).

[alisonmh]

DaveR-
I have an excellent husband, father, and brother. Regarding my "generalist" statement about my son being the exception-- I am simply processing a lot of extremely negative information lately and trying to a) cope personally and b) figure out how to turn this into something positive, a learning tool- to do what I can to help my son be all that he can be. I think that's what we're all trying to do here, parents of children from both genders. Others here are discussing sending the girls to girl-only schools.

Other recent traumas include but are not limited to a friend's BIL MURDERING his wife (her sister) and stuffing her in the trunk last week. Now the 2 girls (ages 2 and 4) are motherless, my friend, single, is now the "insta" parent. There is a history of sexual abuse in my family including Priest abuse on my IL's side-- so my point being- what is so wrong to be concerned and proactive?

It seems like that's what you're trying to do as well. We both want to know what drive people (in the case it tends to be men) to these egregious acts and what can we do as parents to address the issue.

[DavidR]

Alison
We are on the same page.

I wish you the best with the current challenges that are thrown at you.

[Cheryle Cerezo]

I'm the mother of three adult sons and five grandsons, ranging in age from 8 yrs down to 3 months.

I raised my sons to be loving, caring men, and - for the two of them who are married - I believe their wives will affirm that they are, indeed, what I raised them to be. They went to coed schools (both public and private) and had their own problems with girls, friends, anger, and all of the other things that boys (and girls) face. There is one thing that I believe was an important factor: My sons always knew they were loved, no matter what. I may have disapproved or even been angry at things they did, but I always loved them and they knew this. They knew because I told them every single day.

Although I stayed married to their father until my youngest was in high school, I don't think it's a requirement that a mother be married in order to raise healthy men. I do think it's a requirement that women not try to raise a son without having a good father figure instantly available, however. I think, as women, we have an obligation to our children to choose their fathers wisely. I think, as a society, we have a responsibility to stop telling women who don't want children that they have to have them. I think as much damage is done to boys AND girls by resentful mothers as by anything else.

I know this sounds somewhat simplistic and is probably deserving of a much longer post, but right now it's just food for thought.

For the mom who thought maybe she should hope for a gay son, that is no protection from danger. My oldest son is gay and has been the target of many hurtful and painful words and actions. And for the ultimate in non-safety, ask Matthew Shepard's mom just how safe her gay son was.

There are no guarantees for our children, or for us. The child who survives infancy still faces dangers from other diseases, from auto accidents, from random violence, and - yes - from people who are just plain evil.

Do your part for your child: Love him or her; teach them tolerance for differences - gender, race, religion, sexual orientation; be vigilant about not expressing - through word or deed - your own biases against people; know your children's friends and their parents; take a stand, no matter how uncomfortable it might be, when someone expresses hatred in your presence or the presence of your child (and be sure your child knows you did it!). And, as one mother wrote, be sure your children - boys and girls - know that their bodies are theirs and they should always tell if someone touches them or makes them feel uncomfortable.

Despite all that, there are no guarantees. Not having a teenaged boy as a babysitter can lead to a false sense of security: girls can (and do) commit sexual violence on people. Know your sitter and his/her family. We leave too much to chance when it comes to our kids. Don't smother them with well-intentioned protections, but teach them how to handle themselves. And if the worst happens and your child is hurt (or hurts someone) teach them about self-respect, forgiveness, and restitution. And always let your love for them shine through.

[Jennifer]

City Mama, you have some amazing readers. The comments on this post are so thoughtful and emotional, and I really apprecaite you as well as all the commenters taking the time to explore the issues and feelingts these terrible events bring up.