Meeting Elizabeth Edwards

Elizabeth Edwards looks on as Mary Tsao speaks.

A couple of days ago I was contacted by Beth of the Silicon Valley Moms Blog to ask if I'd like to join them in meeting Elizabeth Edwards (wife of the man who should be our Vice President right now). I said "yes!" even before I had babysitting lined up, that's how much I wanted to go.

I knew that she had a new book out—I'd seen her trying to get a word in edgewise with Charlie Rose (will he just shut up already?)—and I was curious to see what she had to say. I so hoped that it wasn't another one of those, "I'll give you my book if you promise to blog about it" deals.

In preparation for today's meeting, I bought her book Saving Graces. I figured that I would flip through it and see if any questions jumped out at me. To my surprise, once I cracked it, I could not put it down, and was up until 3AM last night finishing it. Elizabeth Edwards is a very compelling writer. Her book is actually very "bloggish" (or "journalish") in that you feel that she is talking directly to you. She is raw and honest and doesn't hold anything back. The book is inspiring and so touching.

I don't normally pick up books like this and might have passed it up because we already know so much about the Edwards family, their down-to-earth roots, the tragic loss of their son in a car accident, that she had two kids in her late forties, her breast cancer struggle.  But I am so glad that the universe aligned and the book found its way into my hands.  It sounds corny, but I feel I am a better person today for having read it.

She describes in detail the period when she lost her son Wade and had to learn to "parent his memory." I sobbed through those chapters and had to stop numerous times to wipe away the tears and compose myself before continuing on. Those chapters (and anytime she talks about Wade, really) are extraordinarily painful to read, I can't imagine bearing such a loss.

She includes her posts to various grief boards and sites that helped her cope—all her emotions are laid bare; they are her heart cracked open and spilling over with pain and grief on the page. She shares that her daughter Cate slept next to their bed for two years (on two chairs and an ottoman pushed together) following Wade's death.  She shares intimate details about her life with John, about passion in her marriage being lost during that time (she makes the wry comment that her daughter's co-sleeping didn't help), and how when that happens, there has to be other things like friendship and understanding and love and respect to sustain it.

Edwards also talks about her cancer struggle, from discovering a lump in her breast just before election day, to how in the aftermath of the losing the election, she and John had no time to decompress because she went straight on to chemo.

But the most striking thing about the book is that she seems to remember every single person in her life that sustained her, supported her, helped, and inspired her along the way, through good times and bad.  She remembers the names of servers, janitors, supermarket baggers, her first teachers, neighbors, friends and colleagues, and she seems to have named them all in her book.  Saving Graces is part memoir and part one big, huge thank you letter. It is probably the kindest, more generous book I have ever read. In writing it, Elizabeth Edwards is teaching us all a thing or two about how to be gracious. About how to be a genuinely good person. We can all learn from the example she sets.

So what is it like to meet Elizabeth Edwards, quite possibly our next First Lady? The words: grounded, no-nonsense, and no bullshit come to mind. (I don't think she'd mind my saying that.)  Also: intelligent, direct, sparkling, and honest. She shakes your hand and looks you in the eye and says your name when she meets you.  She had read everyone's bio and remembered small details about different bloggers' lives.  I was impressed.

"What do you want from us," one of the bloggers asked after we were settled and had introduced ourselves.  After all, that was what we were all wondering.  We all had her books, there was no PR person whispering in her ear.  What could she want from a passel of mom bloggers (and one want-to-be-stay-at-home-dad blogger)?

Turns out, not what I had expected.

She wanted to meet some mom bloggers as a way to "keep the door open to people," she said. She viewed these exchanges as "a two-way-street." She feels blogs are the last really democratic institution, a sort of "town square." She admires "citizen journalists." She said, "I want you to always feel like you have an open door..." to discuss whatever we wanted to discuss. She gave us what she said was her direct email address as if to make the point that she really was serious about leaving that door open.

She asked questions and answered questions and it was weird. It wasn't like what you would think meeting with someone so famous would be like. I've met some big shots and am never much impressed with them in person. But Elizabeth Edwards felt like one of us. I mean, just look back at the photo. Is there any doubt that she interested and engaged in what Mary is saying? Look at her easy smile exuding warmth. She is really listening. At that moment, she felt like a mommy blogger and her blog was called Saving Graces and here it was in front of us in book form. She was never once dismissive or haughty.  She let us bubble over with excitement and interrupt her and, well, it felt like a three martini playdate 'cept without the kids and without the martinis.

Inevitably the conversation turned to politics. John Edwards is considering a run for president in 2008. She says his motivations are "pure." He'd rather just sit on the porch of their new house and be with his family but you "can't keep saying this country can do better from the sidelines."  Sometimes you gotta get in there and "do better."

"What do you think of Hillary," asked another blogger. She said she admired Hillary, that they had similar backgrounds. There was a flap earlier with week about Elizabeth Edwards apparently saying she had a more joyful life than Hilary because she chose to work less and focus on her family. That was cleared up right quick. It was a quote taken out of context.  She explained and I believe her.

The blogger who asked about Hillary then related the story that when she told a friend she was going to be meeting Elizabeth Edwards and was wondering if she should ask a question about how she felt about Hilary for president, her friend said, 'I'd rather vote for Elizabeth Edwards.'"

Elizabeth Edwards smiled and shook her head.  She has no intention of running for anything. But you know what?  After today's meeting, I'd vote for Elizabeth Edwards, too.  My problem with Hillary Clinton is that she never kicked her philandering-ass husband to the curb.  How could an intelligent woman like that stick with such a womanizer? It makes me question her true intentions and what she values in life. You get the impression that if John Edwards ever tried something like that with Elizabeth...well, let's just say that you get the impression that he would never try something like that with Elizabeth.

We ended the session with her signing copies of all our books.  Books we paid for with our own money. There was no talk of "will you blog this" even though, yeah, we all will.

But I don't mind, after all, as Elizabeth Edwards says, there is "power in community." She is part of my community now, and I support her.
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On a personal note, it was nice to meet new bloggers and reconnect with bloggers that I had met at the BlogHer conference and haven't seen since. I also finally met Glennia Campbell who writes with me over at Kimchi Mamas. And, of course, it is always nice to see Mary Tsao and Charlene Prince Birkeland. The tag line for Elizabeth Edwards' book is "finding solace and strength from friends and strangers," and that is exactly how I feel about these women.

[photo credit: Stefania Pomponi Butler]

Comments

[Michelle]

I enjoyed your take on such a public figure--I'd vote for her over Hilary too. And personally I think Hilary didn't kick Bill out because he was her ticket to running for president herself. She's all about the ambition I suspect.

[Mary Tsao]

Great write-up! Mine was about 1000 words shorter, but said much the same thing. Except not as well. You rock.

My word for her was "genuine." She really impressed me, too.

[jenn]

Thanks for your take on Elizabeth Edwards and her new book. I'm from NC and I absolutely adore her. I'd vote for her for President in a minute. (Now putting the book on my library wish list... the waiting list will be long, I'm sure.)

[Angela]

Just finished reading Elizabeth Edwards' book, I was crying through most parts. Our family experienced a stunning loss when our 14 yr old nephew was killed in a skiing accident a few months ago. We are all still grieving and it helps to read inspiring stories. I saw Elizabeth on Oprah a few weeks ago, she is truly an inspiring, genuine and thoughtful woman. I also urge everyone to read her book, it's fabulous.

[Glennia]

Beautiful write-up, Stefania. It was such a joy to meet you...I'm not sure if I was more excited to meet Elizabeth Edwards or you, Mary & Charlene.

[Jill]

I am so glad that you were able make it - and it was so nice to see you again. Lovely write-up!!!

Jill

[The Aitch]

I hope her hubs runs.

[The Aitch]

I hope her hubs runs.

[mad muthas]

sounds like a v interesting meeting. who were the other speakers?

[Green]

You inspired me. To ask if I can borrow your book. :)

I hope that she tries to keep the doors open to all kinds of people.

[honglien123]

I do hope John Edwards runs again and hopefully by 2008 I'll have US citizenship so I can vote for him. And I'm ordering Elizabeth Edwards book as we speak.

That said, I think Hillary would make a wonderful vice-president. She is and had always been, a working mom. I actually admire her for trying to make her marriage work. Adultery is a serious thing indeed, but I don't think we can truly judge a relationship from the outside. I don't agree that she kept him for ambition, because what power does he really have now? I think just as many people would have supported her if she HAD divorced Bill. She seems to be doing a decent job of her senate post and that should be all that matters right?

Thinking of Hillary Clinton always reminds me of a quote from Love Actually where Emma Thompson's character goes:
"Imagine your husband bought a gold necklace and come Christmas gave it to somebody else...Would you wait around to find out if it's just a necklace, or if it's sex and a necklace, or if worst of all it's a necklace and love? Would you stay, knowing life would always be a little bit worse? Or would you cut and run?"

[badkitty]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and the recommendation. I admired Elizabeth Edwards in the abstract, but now I'll look deeper.

[sarah gilbert]

stefania! watch out you'll have more of we portlanders moving to california instead of the other way around! what a great opportunity, I've been eager to learn more about her.

[Meena]

Ditto on what a great opportunity! You've inspired to want to read her book. I read an article about her (perhaps in People? is there an embarrassed emoticon I can use?!?!) and was intrigued. She sounds like "good people."

[deborah]

Thank you for this write up! I feel like I was there, and I love Elizabeth Edwards. (sigh) I wish she was in the VP house.

[lena]

I've been going back and forth about buying this book. You've pushed me over the edge - thanks!

[CityMama]

Lena, buy the book and a box of Kleenex. Not lying. Oh, and don't read if you are PMSing.

[Heather]

Thank you for sharing. I recently saw an interview on TV and I couldn't help but think, "...one classy lady". She seemed so thoughtful and kind. Interested in what was being said and not being afraid to say what she was feeling. I will be buying her book Friday. Thanks again.

[Kat]

I've been thinking about this post all weekend, even discussed it at some length with my husband. Judging a politician's ability to lead and govern based on his or her personal relationships and choices is always a tough call. If you vote against a candidate based on his actions in his marriage you may deny yourself the opportunity to have a great leader (who happens to be a lousy husband).

I think Bill Clinton was a fantastic president--intelligent, creative, fearless, warm, a bridge-builder. People knew about his philandering before he was elected *twice* for President so I have to believe that people were able to put that aside. It's the other party that made it a national fiasco. Still, there are many days I cursed his name because had it not been for his extremely bad judgement he and we could have accomplished much more in his last term and the Democrats may still hold that office. That said, I'd vote for him again in a heartbeat. There are precious few people in the country who have his skills and his charisma and--let's face it, this counts for a lot--his ability to raise campaign money.

But we were talking about Hillary. If I'm willing to put aside her husband's bad judgement, how can I dismiss her for doing the same? Can we really say that given everything she's been through, all the pain and humiliation, that she is all about ambition, meaning she's still doing this all for the glory? Given the disproportionate scrutiny her personal life does and will suffer, she doesn't get a lot out of running for office besides the opportunity to make a difference in our lives.

And what politician isn't *ambitious?* Why are we suspicious of an ambitious woman? Why would we rather vote for a woman who has no ambitions for public office herself like Elizabeth Edwards? Don't get me wrong, I think she sounds like she'd make a fabulous First Lady who will have a unique and lasting impact on our country. But I want the candidate who is willing to put herself out there, and take all the crap that's thrown at her, and still get up and do her best for her country.

[CityMama]

Kat, you raise some very excellent points and I think this is a very personal issue.

For the record, I didn't vote for Bill Clinton the first time (didn't vote for the Republican either).

For me, "cheating" is an issue that hits close to home. My dad cheated on my mom, I was in a relationship where I was cheated on. Trust was broken never to be repaired again. I cannot trust a cheater. I think cheating shows tremendous selfishness, lack of courtesy, and lack of integrity.

I could never stand by my husband if he cheated. No matter how much love was there before, no matter how many kids we had, if my husband cheated on me he would be out the door in a nanosecond. There would be no "trying to save the marriage." It would be over. Having been through it before, I do know this about myself.

I know women who stick by cheating boyfriends and husbands and it's painful to watch. I don't know why they don't have more self-respect. Why they don't have the strength to leave.

I do respect Hillary Clinton, but I would have much more respect for her if she divorced Bill and went about her life without him. How many times did he make an absolute fool of her? As a feminist (yes, I consider myself to be one) it angers me that any women would stay with a "repeat philanderer." She has a daughter, for crying out loud. What kind of example is she setting?

What does she need Bill for, really? She's managed to carve out a successful career from lawyer to politician, right? I believe that she could have been a successful senator (if that was her goal) without him.

[Kat]

Ah, Stefania, I'm glad you posted this. I now understand your perspective so much better. And I am so sorry for this pain you carry. My dad was a cheater, too. I think that's the first time I've said that in public. I'll own up to his alcoholism before I'll talk about the cheating.

(And at least in the first primary, I didn't vote for Bill, either. I voted for Governor Moonbeam, because he was a Buddhist and Bill was pro-death penalty.) ;)

Stefania, I really do understand why this is a hot button for you. It is for me, too, but for totally different reasons. For me, it's the bashing of a woman for her ambition. I won't even let anyone call my daughter bossy because I don't want her to think there's anything wrong with being boss. Call her rude, call her inconsiderate, but don't call her bossy!

I also defend Hillary because when I look around at the alternatives, the pool of people who want to lead are practically devoid of people who are actually capable of leading this country at all, much less in the direction I'd like to see it go.

So if my last point to consider is the fact that she stayed in her marriage, I have to trust her to make that decision for herself and accept that it has nothing to do with me. I'm not her daughter or her girlfriend or anything but a potential constituent. She's not asking for my sympathy, or for me to support her decision, she's asking for my vote and her confidence in her ability to lead.

Years ago I was having dinner with a group of baby boomers who were attorneys and journalists and other civic-minded types. All were brilliant, compassionate and driven people. They started joking that none of them could ever run for office because of all the pot they smoked, the people they slept with, the crazy things they'd done in college. I realized that since we are so quick to make personal decisions subject of public scrutiny and judgment that we're losing out on the opportunity to have great leaders.

That's the tragedy of it all. No one can really put aside all of their personal judgements when we inevitably know so much about our candidates personal lives. The days of the media passing on these salacious stories are long gone. But the electorate has to make a conscious decision about what to do with this information. Do we become "single issue voters" and always vote against an unfaithful candidate or the candidate who stayed married to a cheater? Where will that leave us? The pool of good candidates who are willing to walk into the fire is just too small.

[Monica]

Hi, here by way of Perfect Post links and thank you for sharing about meeting Elizabeth Edwards. Now I want to read her book.

I've often thought that maybe her family needed to not win the election to be more focused on the announcement that followed shortly about her illness. Other than that, I'm optimistically hopeful that maybe John Edwards will be in the Captain's Seat at the White House next term. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

Most days I'm a Democrat but I'm always a mom and there are days when I don't care who is in office just so long as my sons (Army and Marines) are safe.

I'd like to visit again..you have a great blog. :)

[A. Carroll]

I find it disturbing that this lovely commentary about Elizabeth Edwards cannot be made without putting Senator Hillary Clinton down. It seems Mrs. Edwards herself couldn't get through a Ladies Home Journal interview without comparing herself to Hillary, even competing with Hillary as to who is happier. I can say with convinction, that Hillary would never do such a thing to a fellow Democrat, especially a woman who is so visible in the public eye.

Both are wonderful women. But to be honest, when it comes to contributions made to the country, Senator Clinton has worked relentlessly. One only has to look at her record as Senator to see the important legislation she has written and, in some cases, been successful at having passed.

And by the way, the Clinton marriage is nobody's damned business.

If one really wants to promote how wonderful Elizabeth Edwards is, and not turn people against her, then it should be done without trying to hurt Hillary Clinton.

I am tired of this b.s.

[jg]

Today is July 29, 2008. My heart goes out to Elizabeth Edwards.