Thank god my Italian side keeps my crazy Korean-ness in check

This is one of those posts that I couldn't decide whether to write here or over at Kimchi Mamas. The fact that I struggle with this issue from time to time is a reflection of my two cultures clashing inside of me.  Most of the time being half-Korean is a non-issue for me, but there are times when I will think or do something and know that it was a "very Korean" thing to do. (My husband also likes to remind me of this.) I don't know how to explain it better, but I know that the things I am about to write probably will be taken differently by a "Kimchi Mamas audience." If this doesn't "play" here, then I'll know I've made the wrong choice.

I want to put some more thoughts down about Bunny's new preschool now that we've been there for two full weeks. I don't know if this post even has a point, it's just stuff I've been thinking about and now need to process by getting out of my brain and onto my computer.

As I blogged previously, Bunny's new school, at least in her cohort of 4-5's, is more academic (for lack of a better word) than her previous school.  Without getting too specific*, there are other things about this school that lets an outside observer know immediately that school is taken seriously here. For the parent of a preschooler used to more relaxed surroundings, it's a startling thing to see.

This is the school that Bunny hated on the first day but now loves. Yesterday she missed school because she had some vaccinations and wasn't feeling well, and she was very upset about not being able to go to school.  When I pick her up each day, she is smiling broadly.  She has made friends with two other girls and every day they play "alien coaster" on the tire swing. She was sure her friends were going to miss her.

Let me just pause here for a second and say that I was raised in a culture where education is extremely important. Going to college is expected; not going is not an option. I can't remember a time in my life where I ever thought about not going to college. I'm reflecting on this now, and...no, the thought never crossed my mind. I was always college bound. By the way, it's also how I am raising my own kids. I see nothing wrong with setting that goal.  If we need to change course when the time comes we will, but for now, Bunny and Wallie know they are going to college.

I know many Asians were also raised the same way I was. You go to parties and listen to your parents' friends brag about where their kids are going to school and it's like an extra layer of social pressure being foisted upon you. It's never directly mentioned (because Asian parents are the masters of passive-aggressiveness), but the expectation is that you will do as well as your parents' friends' children. At least. Or else.

Most of the kids at Bunny's new school seem to be of Asian or South East Asian or Indian descent. There are quite a few Muslim and Sikh students as well. Many of the parents at Bunny's school were probably raised the same crazy way I was. I've seen Asian moms dragging their crying preschoolers into school just as my mom did to me. There's no "discussion" or promise of ice cream after, there's just, "Get your ass into your classroom. You're making us look bad!" Seeing that kid being pulled along by a mother not trying to hide her disapproval at all was strangely comforting. It was so...familiar. Just kidding, Mom! (Maybe this isn't just an Asian thing, but we sure like to joke about these aspects of our culture. The academics and the strictness, I mean.)

Bunny's school sent home a newsletter today describing what the kids would be learning this month. I know that they are continuing working on short vowel sounds and patterns and that they will learn about Washington and Lincoln for President's Day. On Valentine's Day she is supposed to bring 15 valentines. I know that the Asian parents are getting off on this, and I have to admit, my Korean side is coming out and I'm getting off on this. I have a piece of paper with my child's (very rudimentary) educational goals on it. There are tips for extending learning at home. How cool is that?

I spent part of the day today finalizing Bunny's kindergarten registration. I hear that it's competitive here but I can't figure out why. It's public school after all.  Yes there are alternative schools and people enter their children into lotteries and to try and get into those programs, but we feel comfortable with whatever school Bunny ends up going to. Which is why these new-found feelings of academic pride are kind of scaring me. It's true. We moved here to give our kids a better education, but beyond that, I don't have the energy for extra paperwork.

In choosing Bunny's new preschool, we purposely picked one with more structure. We knew what she was ready for, and for us, for her, the school is turning out to be a good fit. I do chuckle when I see all the other Asian parents and think, "What a stereotype." And it may be that these parents think that an academic preschool will get their kids into Harvard. I understand it, that's why I mention it in the first place. Shoot, I've lived it (except I never made it to Harvard.) For us, it's different. After so much play-based learning, we knew that Bunny was ready to take it to the next level. What's right for Bunny may not be right for Wallie, but at least now we know that for any child, changing schools until you find the right fit is okay.

Every day Bun comes home singing new songs or yammering on about harbor seals or sombreros or whatever they have been exploring that day. Yes, she also brings home a phonics worksheet everyday and it did annoy the piss out of me at first, but I have to admit, I like seeing the progression in her learning. Not to mention of the fact Bunny shoves it into my face as soon as she gets into the car proudly shouting, "Look, Mamma!  Look!  Look what I did!" Sometimes kids don't like to share what went on at school and this gives me a peek into the three hours she isn't with me. I can see what happened at preschool when she doesn't feel like telling me or showing me by drawing or singing...or performing an interpretive dance. Is it the Asian in me that secretly loves the worksheets?  I wonder.

Bunny loves to lean over my shoulder while I read the paper.  She points at the picures and we talk about them.  But for the past couple of days, I've been hearing her sounding out words, something she's never done before. "I want to read that," she'll say. "OOOOO...FFFFFFFFFFFF ...does that say 'off?'" Or, "SSSS...OOO...FFFFF...TTTTT ...does that say 'soft?'"  When I hear that, I have to think we made the right choice. I knew we needed to find the right key to unlock the door to reading, because she's ready.  She's been ready for awhile and I couldn't help her any more and now she's on her way. And Asian or not, I'm damn proud. Thank goodness I'm only half-Asian, though.  Otherwise I might be signing her up for Kumon and gymnastics and calligraphy and shit instead of just letting her be four.  And a half.

*For privacy reasons, if you know the school (or think you do) please don't mention it by name.

Comments

[halfmama]

I am completely with you. We're not at that age yet, but I've already asked my (non-Asian) husband to keep me in check. I don't want to put that pressure on my kids, but I think it's in my blood. Also, I'm full-Korean, and did get a Kumon book for my kids (from Target of all places!). They actually enjoyed it (like any other coloring-type book). And like any other blogging Asian mother, I wrote about it and posted (showed off) their "work." …I think I need help.

[lilalia]

It is wonderful to take pride in your child’s accomplishments, whether big or small. I didn’t grow up in the same culture as you, but perhaps similar in the sense that parents tended to “brag” (don’t even know if that is the right word) about their children’s good report cards, or the races they’d won, etc. Even though I was never one of the children with the straight-A report card or the bookcase full of trophies, I found the ritual of praising in public very embarrassing. Now I wonder if those parents directly praised their children as much at home as they did indirectly at family or neighbourhood gatherings.

When it has come to my raising my children, I make sure they know I feel as though I’ve won the jackpot twice for having them as my children. And, when it comes to all of their day-to-day and special accomplishments, I tell them how great they are. But, more importantly, I try, in the privacy of our home, to compliment them overall on their intelligence, curiosity, endurance, resourcefulness, and their ability to help others along the way.

Maybe you are not aware of it, but you are entering into the Golden Years of motherhood. The phase just after the strenuous, sometimes exhausting, roller-coaster-ride-by-the-seat-of-your-pants parenting of baby and small child, just before the body-switching monster has kidnapped your sweet-natured always-trying-to-please tween and left behind a very disgruntled teenager with a lot of Attitude, and long before the young adult proves Freud’s theory true, mothers are guilty for everything.

Knowing that my children, like all children, will probably grow up to be neurotic adults needing a lie on the couch in some therapist’s office, has made me resolved to enjoy these Golden Years to their fullest. So, let yourself be swept away with pride and joy, seeing your smart and curious daughter master every single hurtle along the way.

[Rachel]

Well, I think you should cross-post this at KMs. It would spark an interesting discussion.

I admit that the academic pressure is one of the aspects of Korean culture that's hardest for me to accept, maybe because I see what it did to my husband. (He ended up in a career that wasn't a great fit for him.) On the other hand, we definitely have a better standard of living than his parents do. Given where he grew up he could have ended up in a gang or something.

This preschool sounds like the right place for Bunny. If she is happy and motivated to learn, that's great. I think kids need different things. Some thrive under pressure, and others don't.

[Amanda]

I grew up the opposite way - absolutely no academic pressure whatsoever. I did well and went to college, but I actually wish my parents had pushed me. I often wonder where I would be today if I had been forced to work really hard instead of never giving more than 50%. I won't make that mistake with my kids. I'm actually looking forward to putting Alex in an academic preschool when we move to Washington.

It sounds like you made the right decision with Bunny!

[Allison]

I grew up in the opposite culture of you - my parents had an attitude that each of us should pursue what made us happy. Some of my siblings went to college. Some didn't. My parents also "pegged" us, there was a smart one, an atheltic one, and a rebellious one. I was the rebellious one, in their eyes. Despite the lack of pressure and the fact that even if there was pressure - it wasn't directed at me, I ended up at one of the "top" schools (at least in the rankings) - and they were proud, of course. I found the pride a bit strange (since they had pretended to not really care one way or another for so long). But, I guess my point is, in my experience, you can pressure your kids or not - or peg them as one way or another - and they will probably do what they want (and often contradict your expectations) anyway.

[Alisyn]

We are having such a struggle right now, with deciding what to do about Hazel's schooling next year. She's *so* ready for more academic learning : she's known her letters and vowels and phonics for two years now, and we do worksheet at home every day... she is teaching herself how to read. But she's getting "boring" (her word) at her play-based preschool, where there are no academics whatsoever. The conflict comes with the "social" aspect of school - she's still really shy and uncomfortable around new people, especially in group situations. She totally clams up, and it's hard for her to concentrate. We are unsure whether to send her to kindergarten to foster her "academic" side, or hold her back to foster her "social" side. It doesn't seem like we can do both.

I think it's wonderful that Bunny is challenging herself, and that you guys recognize, and support, her need to do that. Seems like you made a great choice.

[honglien123]

I had half and half, my mom was the one who pressured me to perform academically while my dad, who had been made to work at a very young age, felt that education was a waste of time since it doesn't necessarily guarantee a better life. He felt that I should get a job and support myself as soon as I was old enough to work, and thus, I've been working nearly non-stop since 15. Of course, my parents never told me directly good job or anything, they always followed the, "Children are like springs, the harder you push, the higher you jump" rules. And so, on the one hand, I had my mom please, and on the other hand I had my dad to please and so by the time I graduated from High School (one year early), I already had transfer college credits since I had been going to the local community college on nights and weekends, and I had two part time jobs. My parents gave me a huge amount of pressure to get into a "good" college, but all I wanted to do was get away from them.
When I got to college, I went a little nuts and then quit as soon as I got a high paying job (dot com boom yo) because I was so tired of school.

I think, because of my experience, I don't really want to overtly pressure my kids to do REALLY well so long as they do well. Although, I too am loving the worksheets and the fact that my daughter loves school. That said, I think what I want most is a well rounded child.

While I think it's generally true that Asian's are more into education, I don't know if it has much to do with learning but rather with the perceived notion that the better school you go to the higher standard of living you can achieve. It's all about economics rather than enrichment. I think a lot of Asian American parents are relaxing on that ideology simply because a lot of us have lived that childhood and know that it has no guarantees so why not let our kids have a little fun. I mean, is it really the Italian side of you that's less interested in applying academic pressures or is it that you've been a teacher and you know what it can do to kids?

Sorry for the long comment by the way.

[Jenny]

My parents raised us with suggestions like how I would make a hell of a good hairdresser or my sister would be a great flight attendant. They didn't attend college, and didn't have the financial means to pay for our education, so rather than encourage us to perform academically, they told us over and over and over that college probably wasn't in the cards for us.

My sister had a BA in music, but I never finished my degree, and my brother never even started college. I have regrets like you wouldn't believe.

We're raising the kids with the expectation of attending college, and with the expectation of high achievement.

[kim]

Being half-Korean, I was definitely raised with a more academic environment, but I don't remember my parents overtly insisting that I do exceptionally well. Most of the time, I think they just tried to encourage me to do my best. In retrospect, I think I carried around a lot of internal pressure from myself (and still have those same nagging, self-imposed expectations). And while I made sure to do well (be valedictorian, go to an Ivy League school, etc.), I'm realizing that I wish I had taken it a little easier on myself. Therefore, while I do intend to encourage (and expect) our kids to be college-bound, I want to help them stop and smell the roses too... I hope that they'll be a little more well-balanced/rounded (and less stressed!) if they see me and Daddy encouraging more creative, physical and social pursuits as well. My full-Korean hubby was pushed too hard by his ultra-traditional parents and he's just NOW finding his way in life (meaning he's a 29 year old, first-year med student - egads!).

Anyway sorry for the long post, but kudos to you for being Bunny's best advocate and teacher. It definitely sounds like you're working *with* her to find the best academic fit for her age and maturity level.

[L.]

When I tell people that I don`t necessarily expect all of my kids to go to college, and I want them to just support themselves doing whatever makes them happiest, they look at me as if I am some kind of child molestor.

I am very fortunate in that although I married a Japanese guy, I seem to have found one who defies the stereotype and doesn`t push the kids at all -- except to hang on to their Japanese language, but that`s about culture and nationality, not achievement.

[Molly]

Bunny is obviously very bright and ready to exercise that brain. Wonderful that you are a willing mother.
You're Italian side is saying, "Is na my job."

[Mary Tsao]

As a Caucasian married to an Asian, I know that he was expected to exceed academically in a way that I never was. Like you, we are raising our children to believe that yes, they will go to college, that they will go to the best one they can get into, and that we will pay for it. The expectation is definitely there, and I am mostly fine with that. I wish that my own parents had taken more of an interest in my academic achievement and had encouraged me to apply to better schools. I grew up thinking that college was my ticket out of a horrible home life; I want my kids to grow up thinking that college is a wonderful opportunity to learn, to be on their own, and to meet people whome they'll be friends with forever.

That said, I do feel that as the non-Asian in my marriage, I might be forced to mediate if my child isn't as inclined academically as my husband might like. I think you are sensitive to your upbringing and are watching Bunny carefully to see how she's handling the more academic preschool environment. It sounds like she loves it, which should indicate to you that it's the right environment for her to be in.

It's the awareness that you have that will ensure your kids are in the right school. If the pressure is too much for them and their accomplishments more about you than about their learning, you'll know. Sounds like right now everything is as it should be. You have every reason to be proud of her success!

[Mrs. Blue]

Posts like this make me glad you blog. You should be proud! Good job Parents!!

[MetroDad]

Damn...now I feel all guilty for making my 2-year-old daughter do 4 hours of homework every night! But really, how else will she be able to get into Hah-vard in 16 years?

Just kidding. However, I take great pride in the Asian (Korean) emphasis on education. But I also know that life should be enjoyed as much as possible and that silliness is food for the soul. I hope that I can balance it all out with my daughter!

[twizzle]

I'm half-Korean and grew up believing that I'd damn well better go to college - and that there was no alternative. Not only was I expected to get a BA, my mother hoped that I'd go on to get a PhD and live a life of academia, just as she chose to do. (She only has a master's, but...) I ended up w/ a BA from UC in Linguistics and have had an inferiority complex ever since. I REALLY wish that I had pursued an MBA when I was young and unencumbered w/ child.

My husband's familyl applied no pressure on him to excel academically and he is a college drop out. He regerts it, but not sorely.

I will definitely expect my child to go to college, but will try not to be as aggro about it as my mother was with me.

Thanks for sharing your internal debate. I always learn stuff from your posts.

[Glennia]

I'm half-Korean also, and my mom applied no pressure on me to go to college. I was the first in my father's (Caucasian) family to go to college, and the fact that I went to an Ivy was a big deal for everyone. I did it because I wanted to, not because anyone expected me to.

That said, I do expect my kid will go to college, whether it's Stanford or Joe's On-Line Barber College --that's for him to decide. As long as he's off the mom and dad payroll by 22, I'm cool with it. Of course, "My son, the doctor" has a nice ring to it...

[Marivi]

I went to an Ivy League university full of kids who were burnt out by the time they got to college because there was so much pressure at home and in their highly-academic high schools. Yes, they had a superior preparation for college. But by sophomore year, those of us who did not have the benefit of going to good high schools, had caught up. They had such a small edge on the rest of us -- and were so jaded and burnt out.

[Kat]

Thanks again for writing about this. It really make me check in with where we are with Clara (age 3.25!) and the decisions ahead of us. I know she's a kid who needs structure, craves it, but also worries about getting things just right. Our challenge will be to make sure she knows good enough is good enough and to not let her perfectionistic tendancies turn her into an underperformer, like it did for her dad and me (though we did well in college and our careers). But how can I keep her dramatic, imaginative, artistic side alive and encourage her craving for knowledge? I guess this is what we all struggle with.

[Jennifer]

Now that Jordan is on the brink of entering preschool (he's three-and-a-half) I've been feeling this 'panic' inside that keeps me up all hours of the night wondering if we should make a change in schools or not. It's driving my (italian) hubby completely mad. The competitive-asian in me can't help but wonder if he should already be working on his multiplication tables, among other things. I recently attended a preschool faire in which it seemed that unless you chose one of the schools at said faire your precious child would never make it into kindergarten. I left so overwhelmed and confused. I just look at my son and wonder if there'll ever be a moment between now and graduation that he'll actually be allowed to just be 3.5 and play without analysis.

Times sure are different nowadays.

[teri]

so glad to know that bunny ended up loving her preschool. that's what its all about, that she loves being in school. and if she's having fun with worksheets, then good for her!

[coco]

My husband is half Korean (but only has his Korean family) and his mom started a college fund for my son before he was born.

And GOD Lord all whities who marry into Korean families should be forced to take a class in passive aggressive behavior. Not blog can ever prepare you for your mother in law buying you a set of red pots and pans from Santa because you do not cook enough...