Summer dreams ripped at the seams

Summer is over and I've come to the realization that it really sucked.

It's not a good feeling when you reflect on the past three months and realize that you were so busy that you can't remember playing with your own kids. This is the realization that hit me like a truck on Friday when I wracked my brain trying to figure out why Wallie was being so destructive, tearing up a favorite book, stenciling on the wall, peeing on the carpet...

Why? Because she hasn't gotten any attention from me. How's that for mothering? I can barely type through the welled-up tears. No, it isn't any fun to realize the thing you've been most for the past three months is preoccupied and pulled-apart.

All those days spent at the pool were marred by my thoughts being elsewhere.

We rushed from one destination to another all summer long. In the car I was constantly preoccupied with what I needed to get done the minute I got home. I lived in fear of work crises or missed appointments or anything else spinning out of my control because I couldn't give it my undivided attention.

While Bunny was off at various camps for the morning, my time spent with Wallie was not as I expected. Instead of enjoying the time with just her, I tried to ply her with activities or tempt her with park visits so I could have some time to myself.

Being away from home for a month in Hawaii—which was supposed to be relaxing—was hectic, stressful, and not that much fun at least not until the last week when I unplugged from it all.

Now I know why I was such a wreck before leaving for Chicago. I would be leaving my family for four days. Four days, but really, after a summer like I had, what's the difference? I felt guilty.

How unfair I've been to them. How angry with myself I am about it. So angry that I realized I haven't gotten a good night's sleep in...I don't know how long because I've been internalizing all this business.

Rachael said it best when I chatted with her today. She said:

"Kids need just the right about amount of attention to be fun. Any less and it's not fun anymore."

She is so right. We haven't hit that "right amount of attention" all summer long. And now, school is about to start and my baby is going off to kindergarten and I can barely swallow. I never thought I'd be one of those moms who stood and cried at the classroom door, but I can't believe we're here at this point.

This summer flew by and I really feel like I missed something. Bunny's all long legs and bronzed skin and saying things are "delicious" and "wonderful" and "appropriate," and I can't believe I let myself miss out on all this. It worse when you realize you were "there," but you missed it.

This weekend I also realized that I know how to fix it. And once I realized it—once I had that "aha moment"—I slept soundly for the first time in three months. I woke up this morning groggy, back hurting from too much sleep, with J. whispering that he was taking the girls out for an adventure.

Once they were gone, I made coffee, and cleaned up the house. I took a shower then set out for a long bike ride, and along the way, I realized I was feeling peaceful for the first time in a long time.

Later, as Bunny and I headed off for her final "incoming kindergartner" playdate of the summer, I wanted to bike us past her school and wisk her off with me somewhere. Wouldn't it have been great to keep going...and going...and going...

Plenty of time for that.

To continue the lyrical theme that opened this post: The times they are a changing.

Comments

[whit]

Very touching. I feel that way often as I tell my son I'll be there in a minute, in a minute, but the minutes just pile on.

[Nancy]

I've had these kinds of feelings this summer, too. Somehow I wish I could just turn back time for a little bit.

[Christina]

I know how you feel! Trying to work at home, while having a toddler and an infant, means way too many moments of "Hold on" and "In a minute" and "Here, watch Noggin for awhile". Some days I feel like Cordy is neglected, even though I'm right here with her the entire time.

I look forward to reading about the changes you'll make.

[maddy]

Good luck. I made a big change a few years ago so I could be more "there" for my kids. And so I could chill out myself and not stress so much. I have not regretted it one bit, though we do make a lot less money than we used to. Sometimes even a small change gets you big dividends in terms of time and (lowered) stress.

[foodiemama]

you're a pretty awesome mom just for reflecting this way. i know plenty (sadly) of moms who ply their kid with snacks and t.v. just to sit on the computer or talk on the phone..totally unrelated to any work.

that being said, i think being a sahm or wahm you're always struggling to find that balance because we are here and we do have other things to preoccupy us and lets face it...kids can be boring sometimes.

i was feeling like you for a while and i just recently found that attention balance, haha. since we plan on homeschooling i am starting activites each week to keep us going and learning. who knows how long it'll last!

good luck to you with your baby off to school!

[foodiemama]

you're a pretty awesome mom just for reflecting this way. i know plenty (sadly) of moms who ply their kid with snacks and t.v. just to sit on the computer or talk on the phone..totally unrelated to any work.

that being said, i think being a sahm or wahm you're always struggling to find that balance because we are here and we do have other things to preoccupy us and lets face it...kids can be boring sometimes.

i was feeling like you for a while and i just recently found that attention balance, haha. since we plan on homeschooling i am starting activites each week to keep us going and learning. who knows how long it'll last!

good luck to you with your baby off to school!

[crazedparent]

cheers to the new changes and better (less stressful) good things ahead:)

[Ivy]

Wow, you know what? I've done the exact same thing and it never occurred to me. No wonder Nate has been hell on wheels and Aaron's been a whiny teenager. Seriously, thank you so much for this post.

[GraceD]

I know, I know, I know, I know. I know where you're at and know how you feel.

Just wanted to say that, to stand in solidarity with you, and to assure you that only the best parents feel that twinge and cry those tears. (Yeah, that makes me a "best parent" too. How about that?)

xoxoxo

[porter]

Maybe you need a little reminder of what a great mama you really are...go back and look at some of your posts lady and you'll be reminded pretty darn quick.

[honglien123]

I definitely know where you're coming from. This summer has been so hectic. It's so sad that I had to schedule time with my kids the same way I schedule doctor's appointments or business meetings. :sigh:

I also know what you mean about Bunny starting kindergarten. Evie started 1st grade today. :sniff:

[sheilaBD/xiaolinmama]

Stephania,
You are SO great - how is it that you can make me laugh out loud and bawl like a baby in ONE post?

I have made some changes lately - quit my job, started blogging and consulting and adjusted my overly prefectionist/sadistic attitude.

I am constantly reminding myself, that my mom had two jobs, worked overtime,never baked cookies or volunteered at school, barely saw us and I still love her - even more so, when I think about what she sacrificed and went through for us. I guess that is what is tough because we all wish we could do better, right?

I may not be at every soccer game and may have missed a few of teh firsts, but I am there more than most and that is what has gotten me to this point with a fairly well adjusted 3rd grader and pre-schooler - that and red wine :) My guess is you two have been "there" more than you're giving yourself credit for.

I have days when crying is all I can do to get through the day, but those days are few and far between now that I have come to grips with "just doing my best every day". This summer was a blur for us too, but I have more memories of this summer, than last year's :) Now that is progress in my book.

Hang in there girl! Enjoy kindergarten and showing up to school on your cool cruiser with the cute basket!

[Jessica Ashley (Sassafrass)]

Yes.

I have been torn in very similar ways -- devoting so much of my attention and energy and thoughts to the work that I am loving and having a hard time because of that just being with Lil E. The days when I am preoccupied with what I will do once he goes to daycare or goes down for a nap or once Bruce gets home are a bear. But the days when I turn the rest of the world off and give what I have to him are so fun. Today was one of those days.

The hard part for me to swallow is that there is no balance, that I need a schedule as much as my nearly three-year old does and that piling on a bunch of jobs or activities just doesn't work well. For any of us. If I am going to be an honest, accountable, evaluative mother then I also have to accept that this could be better. And then I have to take small and significant steps to make that happen, as hard as it is, as much as I might miss out on more money or work or whatever. But truly, that's when the peace begins to peek in.

It seems like that is where you are. If it is, then thank the goddesses.

[Julie Pippert]

Yep yep yep. Well this is why I gave you that blog award. That post really did wake me up.

I hear you 100%. My oldest started kindergarten today and it was so hard to balance out to make last night and this morning special and about her. Bad habits, hard times, rough summer.

Next summer? Will be done TOTALLY differently.

I think it will take three weeks to unkink my back.

A hug of understanding to you.

Julie
Ravin' Picture Maven

[cry it out!]

Oy, lyrical indeed. You've made me cut short a nap to wake a toddler who was driving me insane this morning. How very moving, and I'm so happy you've found peace.

[Stefania/CityMama]

*thank you for your thoughts everyone.*

I can't tell you how much they mean to be. "Plan Big Change" went into effect today and it's been a great, easy, smiley, full-of-kisses kinda day.

[Glennia]

I'm right there with ya, sistuh. The summer was a blur of racing from one thing to the next to the next. I think all of us are exhausted from it.

You're an amazingly accomplished, together person. Your girls are fortunate to have such a caring, thoughtful mom, so cut yourself some slack. You're a great example to them.

[tanyetta]

i have a lump in my throat. i have a feeling kindy will be here before i know it.

i loved your honesty in this post.

[xobmc]

my new year starts in the fall. it's finally cool here and it's wonderful to be outside, together, computers off and only the sound of squealing toddlers and farting babies. work is overrated. and the good times aren't only to be had in the summer. i hear a trip to portland can do wonders.

[Jennifer]

First time commenting, but I couldn't resist.

I have a toddler and a newborn and am with them every minute of every day and I don't feel like I actually spending TIME with them. I have good intentions, but it's hard to balance life with child rearing.

Great post, truly.

[radzilla]

tell me about it, stud. today was O's first day of kindergarten and i totally lingered while he was practically shooing me away. this is the last time i work over the summer if i can help it. as for operation big change, good for you, as long as it isn't "drive up to the city to hang with old friends less often".

[Andamom]

But you know -- your kids might not remember it this way at all... And in time you might think back fondly on the summer of '07 as a time of carefree thoughts and so forth...

[Selfmademom]

I hear you. My husband bitch slapped me back to reality when I was going off the deep end and MISSING EVERYTHING. I do feel much better now. Sometimes as I've learned, it's OK to slow down.

[Debbie]

I just think we've got this whole thing out of proportion. It is as though 'the family' is today's religion. Everything we do is geared towards making sure our kids have a great time. We work more to get more money to ensure they have all the toys, clothes, holidays, schooling etc that we want them to have and then at the weekend we madly try to fit in all the child orientated activities we can to ensure we are having 'quality' family time. We are all buying into the myth that we want our kids to have the things that we couldn't have. and is this manic child based life making them any happier, better adjusted, more independent? I don't think so. In most places children have to adjust to the needs of the family. This way they learn all the things they need to learn to grow up. I think you (and most of us) are too hard on yourself. Stop rushing around trying to do everything and be all things for all people. Don't be so hard on yourself. There are some basic things you have to do: earn a living; feed and clothe the family; get them to school on time. Then have a rest! Just being mum is enough; no-one needs to be perfect. and the kids probably enjoy chilling at home just as much as family days out! take care.

[petite mommy]

I think so many of us that work from home feel this way.

I had tears in my eyes after I read this post especially this part:

It's worse when you realize you were "there," but you missed it.

My son started kindergarten this year too!