Teach them well and let them lead the way

As Bunny, Wallie, and I were getting into the car at the grocery store, a man approached me and asked if I had "any spare change for the bus."

These situations make me nervous for two reasons. One: I get mama-bearish when people approach me out of the blue (I literally didn't see him coming) when I have my kids with me. Maybe I lived in a city too long, but strangers don't talk to strangers in parking lots in my world. Two: I know the way I interact with people who ask for money is being watched and evaluated by my children. In being mindful of the inherent worth and dignity of every person, can I find a balance between being empathetic and, to be honest, just wanting to quickly get into the car and drive away?

I had to consider all of the above in about a nano-second which resulted in the usual awkwardness. I managed to shove the girls towards the car while muttering, "I'm so sorry, I don't have any money." I looked straight into his eyes, and he returned my look with a warm, crinkly-eyed smile. He knew what I was going to say.

As we drove away, I told to the girls that sometimes people on the street ask other people on the street for money if they don't have any. And sometimes those people don't really have anywhere to live.

"Where do they sleep?" asked Bunny.

"Lots of places. In parks or shelters which are like houses just for people who don't have their own house."

"He's lucky," countered Bunny in true little kid fashion. "He gets to camp out every night!"

"It seems lucky to a kid, but for an adult, that's kind of tough. Most of the time it's nice to have a cozy place to live where you can keep all your things," I explained. "Especially when it's cold and rainy outside."

This, of course, led Bunny to ask, "Why is that man asking for money? Why doesn't he just go to the bank?"

I explained that a bank is like a big piggy bank. It's where you put your money—money you already have—so you can take it out if you need it. If you don't have any money in your piggy bank you can't get any money out.

This she understood. And I understood how Bunny of the age where she is starting to comprehend money and all that goes with it. She recently worked towards something she wanted earning money by picking up rocks in her Tata's yard. She's probably old enough now to have an allowance, but I feel hesitant attaching money to chores she already does because she enjoys helping out. That's a decision for another day, I suppose.

We continued driving along.

"I have four dollars," she suddenly remembered. "I could have just given him my four dollars!"

I glanced at her in the rear-view mirror, tears welling up behind my dark glasses, and she immediately tucked her chin and gave a shy, embarrassed smile.

"What," she said quietly. "I really don't need it. He can have my four dollars."

I told her how proud of her I was and that that was a very loving-hearted thing to say, and she just looked out the window and smiled.

Comments

[Kayris]

I struggle with this, because I'm approached for money a lot. Most of the time, I'm being honest when I say I don't have any, because I usually don't carry cash. And I'm not going to dig in my purse for loose change when I have a baby on my hip and a preschooler hanging on my hand on the other side.

But I'm also wary of being scammed. I've given people money before, only to find out that they live around the corner and hit people up for money "for the bus" when they don't really need it. And it makes me angry, because it's dishonest and being dishonest is a terrible sin in my book. If I do have money, I sometimes give it to the people that I know are truly homeless because I see them sleeping under overpasses and digging through trashcans.

That's a sweet child you've got there. Great post.

[Mandy]

That brought tears to my eyes, too.

[Jill]

I remember your post some time back about her picking up the plant that another child had broken and run off and left. It brought tears to my eyes. As my husband would say, the force is strong with that one! She sounds like quite the girl! And thank you for sharing-I really enjoy reading these moments.

[porter]

I live in the suburbs so I've never been asked for money in my own city. However, a few weeks ago my husband and I took the girls (3 and 5) out for dinner in a major city near us where they saw a man digging through the garbage bins. My five year old was watching the man so it was the right time to explain what was happening. She reacted similarly to your children, the usual questions. I was able to explain to my kids exactly why we donate our gently used clothing, toys and household items to 'charity'...something I knew my kids didn't understand before. I know my three year old didn't understand anything that was going on, but my five year old sure did. Oh and if someone approached me while I was with the kids, I'd feel exactly like you did.

[whoorl]

I just got a little misty myself.

[chez shoes]

Oh, man. Teary eyed here too - that's one sweet little Bunny you've got!

[Lisa Kohara]

Awww, Bunny girl! She's a compassionate soul, that one. Lucky mama, lucky girl, lucky family.

[Nina]

Oh, what a sweet, big-hearted little girl. GAH! You teach well, Stefania.

[Carolie]

You're obviously such a good parent...and Bunny's a wonderful kid. Thank you for sharing that story.

When it comes to allowances, my parents did not pay us for doing chores. We did chores because we were members of the family and had family responsibilities...and we got allowance because we were members of the family and got to share in the benefits (and of course Mom and Dad wanted us to learn how to budget and save and handle money). That meant that when things were tight, our allowances might go down, but we still had to do chores...the two were not related. It also meant my brother was very put out the day he said "I don't want to take out the trash, just dock my allowance" and Dad had to explain that things just didn't work that way! Ha ha!

[Amy]

It's so hard. I never know if I am doing any good or not when I help. I have started to give bottled water or restaurant leftovers instead. What a sweet baby girl!

[erin]

Yup - count me into the teary eyed crowd.

[Cheryl]

That's so sweet. What a generous spirit your daughter has!

The idea of giving money to people who approach me for it has been something I've struggled with. I used to just say "no" but then I met my husband who would give money to anyone who asked. I asked him about it while we were still dating and he told me that if someone felt that they needed money enough to ask for it, he should give it and leave it up to karma whether they are scamming or not. That profoundly impacted me and I've tried to follow the same rule ever since, even when we lived outside of Houston.

I do have to say, though, that when my children are with me I get nervous when anyone approaches me who I don't know. In today's media world where the worst things seem to make the best news, it's hard not to worry.

[Kat]

Wow. Bunny's reaction makes me want to reach into the computer and hug her. You should be very pround CityMama that you are raising such a kind and thoughtful little girl.

[Sara]

When my husband lived in Baltimore, the same guy would hit us up with the same sob story several times a week. It was quite obviously a scam. Then there was the guy I passed on my way to work every morning that I would see sleeping in door ways. It's so hard to tell the difference between the two some times.

I'm rarely approached for bus money, but often for food money. Since I rarely carry cash, I usually don't have it. And if I did, I'm wary of giving it. But, if I do have food, I will hand over the food. This happened just last weekend...I had a handful of potato chips as hubby and i were heading out of a restaurant for lunch. We were approached for "a couple bucks for some food." Bryan politely declined, but I just handed off my handful of chips and kept walking. It would be nice if I could have some token food on my all the time...I've found it's the right balance between my discomfort in giving money, but still wanting to help.

[followthatdog]

wow, that's so sweet. I'm always proud of my kids when they want to help others. That was really kind of her, you must be doing this whole child raising thing right. Good work mama

[Asianmommy]

What a sweet response from your daughter!

[MsShad]

Yes, wonderful moment with your daughter.

[Greg]

awww.......that "four dollars" comment made my day. We all see Our World in one way , but when kid sees it, and calls BS on how we don't figure out how to accommodate those who cant' make it, well.....even this cynic gets a bit glassy eyed.
You are doing a great job with your kids are are teaching them real values. Good for you!

[Optimist]

We get asked a lot too.I have told the children that I use my instincts when asked - if I feel like it that day, it's the right thing to do - if not, that's OK as well There is usually a guy in a wheelchair at the traffic light near our house every day. Sometimes we stop and sometimes we don't. Sometimes we make care packages for him and yesterday, on the way home from my son's birthday party, we stopped and gave him ice cream and cold water bottles!
I prefer to give food if I can - protein bars are great to keep on hand.

[tangobaby]

What a beautiful sweetheart child. Your life must be full of these wonderful moments.

[pamela]

You should be proud of your daughter, and the job you are doing as a Mom. It is hard, we deal with that often as well.

[Lindsee]

The other night we went to a nice dinner with my 3 yr old and I'm also 9 months pregnant. When walking back to our car after the meal a homeless woman approached us and asked us to give her a ride somewhere. Initially when I saw her coming, I thought head down and walk fast but with a 3 yo that's hard to do. So we were faced with answering her. I was very surprised and stunned that she'd had the courage to have asked. Of course we said no. I mean giving a complete stranger a ride with your child and pregnant wife would have been reckless of my husband. Yet I still felt bad about it. I watched as she approached another couple and the wife didn't even acknowledge the homeless woman and the man turned her down. I don't know that if faced with the same situation under different circumstances if I'd change a thing.