What a child understands about love and fairness [No on Prop. 8 Now and Forever]

Like so many Californians, my happiness at Barack Obama winning the election was tempered by the passing of Prop. 8 which seeks to amend our state constitution to define marriage as only between a man and a woman.

For months we had waged a quiet campaign, sporting a bumper sticker on my car and a sign in our yard, both attained at our church. I admit that I just couldn't see how Yes on 8 would pass and I focused my attention on Prop. 4 thinking that that measure was the one that--if ignored--would pass.

Then, when it looked like it was going to be a close call, we stepped up our game. We attended a rally on election day hoping to keep the issue fresh in voters' minds.  Wallie even came with me (Bunny joined us later) dolled up in appropriate attire:

With appropriate accessories:

I have always been hesitant about bringing small kids to events like this, and hadn't until this point. I have attended rallies and marches but never with my kids because I felt they were too young to understand the purpose and didn't want to appear to be politicizing them.

But things changed.

For almost two years now we've been attending our church (a welcoming spiritual community where an Athiest-leaning agnostic like me feels comfortable), and have been members for close to a year. Our pastor is openly bi, married, and she and her wife have a delightful baby daughter. They are not just role models for my children, they show Bunny and Wallie that love creates a family. We've always taught our girls that families can be created in many different ways with the express purpose that they never think of a 50's nuclear family (man, woman, two kids) as "normal." Families create their own normal. That is our reality and that is why I felt comfortable bringing them to the rally with me.

When Bunny got to the rally, she decided that the No on Prop. 8 sign didn't quite express how she felt, so she flipped it over, crouched down on the sidewalk, and with a borrowed pen, created her own sign. Totally unprompted, completely of her own volition.

Boys can marry boys and girls can marry girls.

We left the rally energized, feeling like we had done something to help the cause, and went home to watch the returns.

The next day we were faced with the reality that Prop. 8 passed and I couldn't stop thinking about how I wish I had done more to stop it. I didn't know how to tell Bunny so I didn't say anything. Almost a week went by and I said nothing. We went to church last Sunday and there was a definite heaviness that hung in the air. The songs we sung that we supposed to be joyous ("This Little Light of Mine") were tinged with sadness. There was talk of a peaceful vigil to be held the next night, and I knew I would be there. With my kids.

Bunny and her lovely friends. Photo credit: PA Weekly.

So there we were holding our candles when the reason why we were there finally sunk in for Bunny. "You mean the Yes's won?" she asked?

"Yes," I replied. "They did."

"They got more votes?"

"Yes, they got more votes."

"You mean the people who think that girls can't marry girls and boys can't marry boys won?" she asked.

"That's what that means," I acknowledged.

"What's going to happen to those married people? You mean they're not married? And their kids don't have married parents?" She was really getting fired up.

"Well, that's kind of what it means, yes. They are married in their hearts, and their friends and family know they're married, but our state says they are not, and no more girls can marry girls and no more boys can marry boys until this gets sorted out."

"Those people who voted for Yes on 8 are cuckoo," said Bunny, summing it up as only a six-year-old can, and it was not unlike how I felt about the matter.

"We're definitely NOT cheering for them," added Wallie, who had been listening intently, and that lightened the mood a little. We can always count on Wallie for levity.

Bunny remained silent for a few moments and then spoke with quiet indignance, "That's so mean," she said, then added, "The most important thing about who you marry is the love."

And she's right.  It's about The Love. I sure wish 52.4% of my fellow Californians could see it that way.

Until then, let it shine.

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Note: Nationwide Rallies planned for November 15.

Comments

[Pamela]

Your post made me cry- the kids get it, why didn't the rest of our state ?

[Rhea]

you are raising very good people. you are lucky to have them and they are so lucky to have you.

[chez shoes]

Dammit, I teared up over this one too.

[Pam]

This Californian mom is with you all the way!!!

[Vikki]

From my family to yours...thank you. It just may be kids like yours (and mine) that change this world. Hopefully, it won't take that long.

[KJP]

Can't believe you would indoctrinate young children like this. You are an adult and made your choice to live as a homosexual, but have no right to bring children into this environment and teach them that it is acceptable. I am tired of feeling like we have to accept this behavior. I pray that our country stands firm on making sure that marriage remains between and man and a woman.

[Stefania/CityMama]

Hey KJP, I am not gay, but even if I were it wouldnt matter. I am not indoctrinating my kids. Ask a kid what's fair and she or he will tell you--this isn't fair. Indoctrinating happens when you teach your kids that love has boundaries. That certain members of our society need to be denied equal rights. What is so hard to understand that love is the same whether you are gay, straight, a man, a woman, black, white or every color in between? I don't see it, but I'm glad that I standing on the RIGHT side of love.

[Aranda]

My girls (8,9) and I attended a rally last weekend in Sacramento. They were happy to be there. 52% -times are changing. Our children will make sure of it. I enjoyed your post.

[Joan]

Thank you for supporting my family and for raising such wonderful citizens.

[TC]

When my daughter was 2, we took her to a Gay Pride parade in West Hollywood, wearing her I Love My Gay Uncle t-shirt in rainbow colors, and the pink sparkly tiara she always insisted on wearing. She waved to the crowd like the Queen of England, riding on said uncle's shoulders.

Now, nine years later, she was devastated by this vote. I wrote about it on my blog (http://ihavethings.blogspot.com/2008/11/hope-and-hate.html) although it's much the same story as yours. It's hard to feel hope amidst so much hate.

[Andy]

My kids and I will be at the Portland rally tomorrow!

[vanessa]

This was a beautiful post. I also go to a UU church and while everyone there is thrilled with Obama's victory, there is definitely some sadness in the air. Our youth minister and many members are LGBT (in fact, I teach the sex ed class and we just had a trans speaker today) and the kids are absoloutly furious at Prop 8 passing. They think the folks who voted for Prop 8 are...well, we try to teach tolerance, but it doesn't always work.

[kat]

this is SO well said. kudos to you for raising your kids to love everyone, respect everyone and have the tolerance to embrace the differences in all of us. i hope to do the very same for my kids...when i have them. :)

i still can't get my head as to why people object to the idea of gay marriage and i still can't understand why this didn't pass. as much as i was thrilled about obama, i was super bummed the day after election day that prop 8 passed.

[Alexandretta]

Even though I believe that marriage (whether in the eyes of God, or recognized by the State) should be between a man and woman only, I disagree with what KJP said -- we, as parents, have the right to raise our kids however we like, as long as we are not endangering their welfare... The most important thing we can give them are morals and a system of belief, and arm them with ways to defend these morals and beliefs, when confronted with opposing views. I applaud Stefania and everybody else who are raising their children, not only to defend "love", but also to be critical thinkers.

[Ariel]

I'm a little late in commenting...but couldn't agree more. there need to be more people (and role models, parents, etc.) just like you!

[Stefania/CityMama]

Thank you all for your comments. Someday soon everyone in our nation will be able to marry who they love. YES WE CAN!