Countercultural parenting and an open letter to Palo Alto teens

In the last six months, there have been four teen suicides in my town. All of them took their lives by putting themselves in the path of an oncoming train. All at the same railroad crossing. All of them students at the the same high school. The youngest was an incoming freshman. The oldest was headed to NYU.

The city has gated off the train tracks. They have hacked down the oleander bushes which, in the past, have given shelter to these teens as they contemplate suicide. For weeks after each suicide, Palo Alto police officers have staked out the tracks. And soon, they are gone, and another teen dies.

I live in the heart of Silicon Valley, in the shadow of Stanford University, in one of the wealthiest communities in the entire world. It has been said, in light of these tragedies, that kids in our communities face too much pressure--from families, from school, and perhaps from the community at large--to succeed. And not just to succeed, but to excel beyond "normal" high-achiever expectations.

When we decided to move to this area from San Francisco, this was definitely a consideration. We knew that our kids would be going to public school alongside millionaires' (and billionaires') kids, but we also knew it was a pretty great school. It was incongruous to me that the modest (and crappy) shithole of a house we rented was around the corner from Steve Jobs' and Sergey Brin's houses. That we'd see Steve Young jogging down our street on a regular basis. That our kids would play at friend's houses who had media rooms bigger than our entire house, garage included.

But that's life, and how boring would it be if our kids were friends with--if we were friends with--people exactly like us? Raising confident, kind, grounded kids in the face of all this wealth is something I think about on an almost daily basis, and I felt so validated and supported this past Sunday as I listened to my pastor at Beloved Hippie Church encouraging parents in our community to be "countercultural."

She was addressing the teen suicide issue head on and she said three things that really stuck in my brain:

1) Parents need to know the facts. Know the facts about suicide stats. Know the facts about college admissions. Know the facts about what kids need. Knowing the facts informs your parenting. Knowing the facts sets your priorities straight. Knowing the facts empowers you as a parent.

2) Be countercultural. When she said this, I wanted to stand up and cheer.  I see a lot of keeping up with the Joneses in this town. A lot of conscious and subconscious worrying about what people will think. I see a lot of unhappiness, too. More on this in a moment.

3) Be unconditionally loving.  Love kids no matter what, especially when they fail. Kids need practice at failing, and it's how we as parents handle ourselves in the face of their failure that will teach them how to cope. So let kids fail, and love them all the more for it. Show them it's not the end of the world, and that when they are down, we'll be there to lift them up.

One could say she was "preaching to the choir," pun intended. I know the folks at the Unitarian Universalist church get it. "No one needs to tell us to be countercultural -- we're really good at it!" our pastor explained. Our church has a long tradition of being counterculteral, from standing up to McCarthyism (refusing to sign a loyalty oath) to standing up for gay marriage and ending wars. (Shoot, I mean just the fact that I am an Athiest-leaning agnostic and yet I go to church every week in a place where my beliefs are shared by many is pretty darned countercultural.)  Anyway, I just wish I could get my entire community to walk through its doors, sit down, listen, and discuss.

It's the countercultural piece that spoke the loudest to me, however, because J. and I make conscious countercultural choices as parents every day.

We choose to live simply.  We live in a garden apartment now, one of the very few families at our school to do so. The girls share a room as they have done, even when we lived in a 3 bedroom house. The amount of toys and books they have corresponds directly to the amount of storage space they have. They watch movies on the couch in the living room where I can see them. We made this choice for many reasons (to save money, to be closer to downtown, to live in a place that was low-maintenance since neither of us likes nor has time for house or yard work), but one of the important ones is to show that you don't need big stuff to live happily.  We've been there. We've owned the 3,000 square foot house (and the 1,200 square foot house). We weren't any happier than we are now.  Happiness to us is family. Being together. Loving each other. That doesn't require stuff.

We will not keep up with the Joneses.  We won't talk about money, ours, yours, or theirs. We won't brag about what we have. We will talk about how we budget to save up for special things. We will teach our kids to save, and spend when appropriate, and share when appropriate. We will teach them the value of money.

We limit media exposure to age- and temperament-appropriate choices. Bunny, who is 7, still counts Caillou as one of her favorite shows. (...much to our chagrin. Heh.) She still watches (and likes) Barney. (Again with the chagrin.) And you know what? That's okay.  She's 7 and there is plenty of time for her to be exposed to the tween programming and music that are trying so damn hard to gather her into their fold right now.  As parents, we make the choices to resist, resist, resist as hard as we can. Plus, Wallie is only 5 and whatever Bunny experiences, Wallie experiences, too. I'm just not ready to force Wallie to embrace that culture yet.

We don't over-schedule our kids.  I don't even tell them about the half the stuff they could be doing, because I am not going to spend their childhood carting them from place to place.  Our Saturday mornings are spent together, not running from soccer or t-ball game to birthday party to other activity. Our Sunday mornings are reserved for church and in the afternoon, we might go to the park or just hang out at home watching the football game. They take swimming lessons year-round and then maybe one other extra-curricular visual or performing arts class.  And that's it. And that's enough.

I tell them that they don't have to be good at everything and that even if they fail, I will love them no matter what. Last year, timed math tests almost shattered Bunny's confidence. She hated school and felt like a failure. As the parent of a then first grader, I made a choice, and the choice was not to put undue pressure on my six-year-old. Not only did I tell Bunny that I didn't care how fast she did her test as long as she knew her facts, I also made sure to tell her teacher.  I told her teacher that I didn't place much value on how quickly she could rattle off memorized answers.  She could be dead last and that was A-OK as long as she knew how to solve the problems. Her teacher stopped putting the time on her test and whaddayaknow, Bunny's times, and most importantly, her confidence, improved.

When you think about it, my kids have everything they need. They have two parents who love them very much. Two parents whose first priority is protecting their childhood and being their best advocates. Two parents to model our "countercultural" values. They have a roof over their heads, healthy food to eat, clothes to wear. Cousins who adore them. Grandparents who spoil them rotten. That seems pretty "rich" to me.

***

Now the flip-side to all of this.  I can't talk about countercultural parenting without also addressing the kids in my community who are suffering, so here we go.

Dear kids in my community,

If there happen to be any academically- and socially-pressured Palo Alto teens (and parents of those teens) in my community reading this, I also have something to say to you.

I grew up here. I know very well what the pressures are like. I remember how "boring" it is to be a kid here. (Parents think that's a good thing, by the way.) But I also remember the creative and imaginative people I went to school with who managed to make this boring place feel like their own personal Pragues or New York Cities. Make your own adventures here. 

I want to tell you that it's okay to be countercultural, too. I'm not talking about all-out rebellion, although, some of you might be headed that way. (Been there, done that, don't forget to be nice to people.) I'm talking about being true to yourself and accepting yourself and loving yourself as you are. Even and especially if you feel like you don't fit in anywhere and that no one understands you. LOVE YOURSELF. That can be pretty damn countercultural for a teen.

Here's where I'm coming from:

At the end of eighth grade, I chose not to go to my all-girls private school for high school, opting for the local public high school instead because I was seeking authenticity and realness. Because of my mostly private school education, I was placed in the AP track at my high school. It was a well-rounded, college-preparatory education which served one purpose and one purpose only: it gave me enough credits so that I could enter college with a semester pretty much done.  That allowed me to graduate and get the hell outta there in four years even though I changed majors at the beginning of my junior year.

Sure I took the AP classes, but I also was part of the drama club and was a pom-pom girl. Sure I could have spent that time doing JSA or volunteering to "build up my college resume," and maybe I should have, but I wanted to be a kid, too. Maybe I had a little too much fun.  I got in dumb trouble doing dumb stuff, but my family was there to support me. I had the study skills and time management tools I needed to get my work done and I was college bound, just not Ivy League bound. I could have spent more time studying and gone to a better college, but not studying as hard as I could have didn't prevent me from being successful as an adult. Let me rephrase, getting a B+ instead of an A- on a test didn't hurt my chances of getting a good job. It didn't prevent me from following my dreams. I know your parents know this too, which is why I have a hard time understanding how and why parents can put so damn much pressure on kids.

I value all of my high school experiences--the academic successes, the teen heartbreak (so many crushes on so many older jocks), the feeling like I didn't fit in, the sneaking out of the house to go dancing in San Francisco--but then still making it to school the next day because in the end, I really was a responsible kid... All of those experiences helped to shape the person I am today.

My mom gave me a huge gift: the gift of being able to quit something I didn't like in order to try something new. Sure she let me know when she didn't agree with those decisions and I listened, but in the end, she allowed me to make my own choices.  It's because of that gift, that I have been able to go from working in marketing to being a teacher at a low-income school to being a blog editor to finally, at age 39 (I know!  Way older than Larry and Sergey! Waaaaaaaaay older than Mark Zuckerberg!), starting my own company. And you know what? I am always (still!) thinking about what I want to do or try next. What I am not thinking about? Is high school.

I grew up listening to my mom and her friends (all Asian, by the way, so I understand those pressures) talking about who went to Harvard and who was going to Princeton and who was going to be a doctor and all that bullshit.  You know what?  Half of those lawyers and doctors aren't practicing anymore because it wasn't what they wanted to do. I know a guy who went to Harvard who is now a dancer. A lawyer who bakes cakes. I'm not saying you don't have to try hard.  I'm not saying you don't have to go to college. I think everyone should go to college, at least to try it.  College is as much about figuring out the kind of adult you want to be as much as it is about taking your learning to the next level. I mean, if you are really into bugs, you will REALLY get to learn about bugs in college. And EVEN MORE about bugs in grad school.  College is awesome no matter where you end up going, and there are more than just 20 colleges in the United States. Remember that. And remember that there are dedicated professors everywhere.

I am not saying you should cut classes, stop trying in school, be an asshole to your parents, sneak out of the house, and be a total slacker. Learning something new is one of the best feelings in the world, and even as a teenager, I really placed a high value on learning. Education does open doors, but education has many paths, and life is long. I am just saying that feeling that you want to kill yourself because you didn't get an "A"  (as one teen expressed on the PA Weekly forum), is not a feeling that any kid should ever have to feel. It a feeling I certainly never want my daughters to feel. I had to work hard in my classes and I wanted to, but I also tried to keep school in perspective. It's okay not to get an "A" every time. It's doing your personal best that matters. If your parents don't understand that, please seek out the advice and guidance of someone who does. When you are 25 (or 35 or 45) no one will care about you not getting an A on that test or paper, I guarantee you that. And you definitely want to see 25 and 35 and 45. I'm 40 and I'm tell you, life is good, even when, especially when you are 40.

Teens, if you are in despair, before doing anything that in the end won't solve your problem and will hurt a lot of people for as long as they live even if you aren't here to see it--please seek help.  As a parent I would be crushed if one of my children felt it was easier to end their lives than talk to me. As a parent, I will be able to take the "You just don't understand's" and the "You suck as a parent's" and the "I hate you's." It will hurt down to the bottom of my soul and probably break my heart, but I can deal with anger. Anger is a starting point, not an ending point. What I think I wouldn't be able to deal with is if one of my kids thought I couldn't handle that, and decided to take matters into her own hands.

If you are in so much pain that you think your parents wouldn't be able to understand, please find someone to tell. I promise that sharing your pain is the first step to feeling better. And even though you think adults won't ever in a million years understand your pain, your sadness, your despair, I promise you--I PROMISE YOU--we do.

With respect,

Stefania

Comments

[cat/bad kitty]

Sigh. That brought back lots of memories and made me tear up a little. Thanks for tell them what they needed to hear.

You said it all -- Kids need to be assured that things DO get better, no one remembers the B+, or the F, or even the A+, and life is more in your control than you realize.

Hang in there! Go shopping, dye your hair, join the Peace Corp. There's always *something* to do before you do the last thing.

And there is ALWAYS someone who will listen, even if you don't think he or she will understand.

[Cynematic]

It never stops hurting when you hear of a young person committing suicide. My heart goes out to the Palo Alto community, to the parents devastated by the loss and the friends and neighbors who mourn and second-guess themselves.

There's so much wisdom in what you say, Stefania. I hope parents and teens both can hear you.

[Katherine Gray]

I can tell how much you're hurting over all this, Stefania. I can't imagine what those parents are going through. What you're all going through. Thank you for writing this.

You would be awesome at a career fair. You are the perfect example of how far a curious spirit and a strong sense of integrity can take you. After all, without those things grades don't matter at all.

[Erin]

Your kids are lucky to have you as a Mom

[Leticia- Tech Savvy Mama]

This is a fabulous post. You said so many things that my husband and I have thought about as graduates of Paly and as people who have thought about moving back to Palo Alto- the mansions that have replaced the quaint houses, . It was a pressure cooker when we graduated in the early '90s but throughout my schooling, my parents kept me grounded and allowed me to make my choices and be proud of the fact that not only I took AP classes but I was a well rounded individual who worked on the paper, played sports, and knew it was ok struggle through AP chem because it was just one grade.

Now with a daughter in public kindergarten, I'm finding that there are just as many pressures living in a fairly affluent DC suburb. Like you, my kids don't know about all the after school activities, don't go to the movies, and really only know shows on PBS. I try to maintain some sanity in this really crazy world of parenting because I think it is best for our family.

I admire you for so many reasons and love that you are the calm within the storm, providing words of wisdom that I hope Palo Alto teens will read. I know if I lived in Palo Alto, we'd be great friends and I'd be right beside you each week at Unitarian Universalist.

[Pamela]

So well said. As I have said before I need to join that hippy church. I hope that the kids here read this, I am sending it to my teen.

[Eileen]

Oh, Stefania. What a beautiful plea to a suffering community. Keep up the good work with your family, your blog, and your beautiful city of Palo Alto. I am keeping all these families in my thoughts as they process these horrible losses. I hope many people hear your message.

[kat]

this was so well said. it's unfortunate that many blame the train system when the root of the problem lies with our community.

i too grew up here and i remember the pressure from high school and the need to succeed - get in a good college, get good grades - it all started SO young. i remember feeling the pressure as a freshman - which is ludicrous.

even the competition for preschool is competitive now.

my parents like your mom were smart enough to be like - do the best you can, we love you no matter what, come to us with any problems.

teens are so wrapped up in their world and bubble (not just here but everywhere). i want to tell them all that things change, you change - the palo alto bubble is not typical and not what you need to live up to.

i really hope that we can get to the teens and those who are even younger than high schoolers and present options for help. and make them realize that there are many concerned people there for them.

[Anne]

I live in San Jose, so I know exactly what you're talking about. This valley's schools have gone ultra-stressful, centering on going to college, being smart and growing up fast so you can turn around and become one of the working drones at the many computer companies that keep the valley going.

I remember being at a fundraiser a couple years ago and running into the head of the Cupertino School Board. He found out we had kids so he started on his speel, telling us about all the wonderful pre-college programs they had, how many AP classes they had and how they were helping so-many-kids go to college. That's when I asked him: "What about the kids that don't want to go to college? I mean, not ALL kids want to go or have the ability to deal with the stress of collegic requirements. Do you have vocational programs somewhere?" He turned a sickly color and sputtered at me as thought I had cursed him out. He quickly excused himself and disapeared into the crowd....

I looked at my then-husband (now ex) and told him, "We are sooooo homeschooling." And though we're apart, we still plan to homeschool the kids. My kids don't need that pressure - NO kid needs that sort of pressure. I want my kids to have a chance to figure out what they are interested in, what they want to do, and then go after it...not be stuck in some college track that may not suit their future career. If my son wants to be a plumber, he doesn't need college! Why waste the time????

[LizP]

What an amazing post!!! As a Lowell graduate my family was gutted that I didn't want to go to Stanford or Berkeley. And OMG why didn't I get straight A's?

Here's our conundrum (sp?) with one teenager in community college and one teenager in high school, how do you encourage excellence (usually defined by grades) without demanding good grades? Usually a bad grade from one of them is because they are slacking. With the older one, that's his problem now. But the HS student NEEDS to actually pass his classes or he'll graduate when he's 20.

[erin]

Thank you for your post.

[Nicole Pelton]

What a wonderful post, Stefania. I went to Saratoga high, which back then was not nearly as bad as it is now, but there was still a lot of pressure and competition. I am happy to see that at least some colleges are trying to emphasize that passion and leadership and creativity are more important that getting the bets grades or joining all the right clubs. I think they and parents need to communicate that message a lot better, though.

[Uma]

This is a very good article, I hope more people get the message that doing our personal best and being happy doing that is all we need to do. No need to compare ourselves with someone else but we can use someone as a role model and learn from them to achieve our personal best.

I wish schools had an emotional intelligence curriculum for middle schoolers and high schoolers that emphasize making right choices that is true to ourself, accepting change, dealing with feelings and emotions in a positive way, striving for personal best, feeling happy with who we are as a person, finding our core beliefs and values (refer to thisibelieve.org), accepting of others success and failure, knowing our own strength - aiming for something we can excel at (refer to One Mind at a Time by Dr. Mel Levine).

Often times kids give in to pressure and choose a course or given path just because it is cool rather than figuring out what is the course best suited for them - that they are passionate about, that their brains get it without too much effort (like we are wired to succeed at certain professions). A people person, for example, will not like a job that involved no people interaction but just looking at streams and streams of data to analyze, whereas an introvert, analytical person might excel and be happy at the data processing job.

Schools need to prepare wholesome, emotionally stable and confident teens as much as preparing them for academic success.

This is an appeal to all schools, specially let's start with Palo Alto High School, to include emotional intelligence in their curriculum and prepare students to accept themselves and do their personal best.

Thanks,
Uma

[Marivi Lerdo de Tejada]

Thoughtful post and one I may need to bookmark and re-read in about 10 years ;-)

BTW: Who is the minister at your church?

[Emily]

I know you wrote this for the teens (and I SO wish someone had said these things to me back then) but I really needed to hear this now as both a new mom and a woman trying (still) to figure it all out. Thank you Stefania!

[Asianmommy]

Thanks for sharing this important message to parents & teens. Great post!

[chris]

Fabulous post. As someone with two teenagers, I am in the midst of this right now. Trying to balance my expectations of their academic success with their abilities and what to do when they slack off. The pressure *I* feel from other parents is unreal. They want to know why they aren't enrolled in all AP classes and feel the need to point out that their kid will be a semester ahead in college. To which I think big whoop. In the scheme of life does it matter? I want my kids to be able to do extra-curricular activities and have social lives. I don't think they need anymore pressure.

And let's not even talk about the pressure on the elementary school children. It makes me slightly crazy.

[Mariko]

I may be in the choir, but I enjoy the sermon anyway.
I am seeing so much overscheduling, parent obsession over "talents", and grade inflation in my community-- it makes other parents and kids think that they can't possibly be competitive in our society unless they follow suit. It's good to put things in perspective.

[melissa cole]

great post.

[Dennis Mashevsky]

You have it perfectly in my opinion.. I feel like crying every time I don't get an A..(I'm an 8th grade boy).
You know what my parents say to me when I get an A-? "It could be a little better"
I don't trust them., And I just in general, don't trust adults because of them.

[Melissa M]

You said what all children need to hear... but very few do. I stumbled upon your blog looking for pizza dough for my children, and I found a lesson that I learned on my own (my parents had the expectation that straight A's were the bare minimum). I've since spent $60K on a master's degree that earns me $26.02/hr. Good trade in my mind because I LOVE what I do - I help other people every day change their lives and their health. But is my M.S. degree celebrated in my family?? No, and sadly only because I earn less than $50K per year. You give me hope. Thank you.

[Heather]

This is my first time reading your blog and I am so moved by your words of advice. My husband and I just moved from San Francisco to Ventura and part of our reasoning was to relieve some of the pressure to "keep up with the Joneses" in the bay area. I love that you are raising your children with such grace regardless of geography. I hope parents read this and pass these words along to their children.

Heather
www.kulamama.com