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American Idol Recap

J. Lo schooling everyone on how to be divalicious, honey.

Melinda Doolittle singing "Sway," a song I have never heard before. This is the first time I've been a little bored by Melinda. She seems "old." Her make-up is a little geisha-esque.

Lakisha. She looks smokin' hot, but I'm so not loving the performance. I wasn't feeling the latin flavor. As Bad Kitty just said on IM, "She can phone in 'medium' and still be way better than most of those kids." She's always right on the money.

JT Chris. Singing "Smooth."  It's too, um, slow or low or off key or something. There's no punch. Maybe I'm just too used to the Rob Thomas/Santana version. Chris had been growing on me week after week, but tonight. Eh.

Haley Marie Osmond.  She is the new Sangina. Whyyyyyyy is she still in it? Your legs can only carry you so far, honey. You SUCK. PLEASE VOTE HER OFF. Randy nailed it: karaoke.

Phil Creepy. "Maria, Maria." Nuh-uh. Zero passion. But thanks for the for turning down the lights on his creepitude.  I probably won't have nightmares tonight.

Jordin.  She is getting more and more diva-ish with every show. She's only 17, but by 19 she's going to be a nightmare. And by 21 she's going to be LiLo.  That was a completely lackluster and bo-ring performance of "Rhythm is Going to Get You." No matter what Randy says. Plus, she dances like my mom.

Blake. Finally. A performance. Loved it. He turned it out and he didn't even beat box it.

Sigh.

You know Sanjaya is serving up Ricky Martin. Let's see if I'm right after the commercial.

Damn. I was wrong. Besame Mucho. (No, thank you.) The judges are speechless and so am I.

People: Haley must go. Start dialing.

 

American Idol

Who's watching American Idol with me? Who else is bored to tears?

So far it seems like no one is listening to a single piece of advice Tony Bennett is giving. In fact, most are doing the opposite of what he says. Sweet.

Beat Box. He SO does not "get" "Mack the Knife." I wanted to love it more. Didn't

Phil Creepy. OMG. I sweahtagawd I was thinking funeral before Simon said it.  That was the creepiest, non-swingin'-est version of "Night and Day" I have ever heard.  And when he got to the "making love" part, I criiiinged.

Melinda. Blew the roof off the joint once again with a spot-on performance of "I Got Rhythm." She nailed that mofo shut.

I find myself waiting in anticipation for Little Miss Sanj-shine.

JTChris signing "Don't Get Around Much Anymore." Started really weak, IMO, and so far, it's not a good performance. Judges loved it for being hip. I think I just really hate that song. Ugh. But he looks cute in that hat.

I think Paula is on pills. She's having a hard time prying her teeth apart. And she's parroting Randy again.

Jordin is aging a decade everytime she performs. I do not believe she is 17 anymore.  She's singing "On A Clear Day." It's very straight ahead. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Paula said "frickin'." Jeezus.

Gina singing "Smile." Whoa. Okay. I need a minute to regroup after being hit with that Star Trek hair-do. Over all (tongue piercing), I liked it (tongue piercing).

Sanjaya. You're on fi-ya. Why bother talking about the singing? This week he has Michael Douglas's hair from Wall Street and John Travolta's disco suit. He is dancing with Paula who needed Simon to push her out of her chair cuz she's so waaaaaasted. He is totally playing up his schtick. Hahahaha! Simon called it "incredible."

Haley Marie Osmond. Ohthankgoodnessherboobsarereal. "Ain't Misbehaving." Huh. It was like watching the Pussy Cat Dolls sing this. Badly.

LaKisha. Too much french mani going on, but even still she worked it out.

Going home tomorrow? I'm going to say it's either Sanjaya (I believe it this time) or Haley.

Check out my guest post on MamaPop!

Seriously, y'all need to add MamaPop to your feed readers right. now.

I've written an open letter to the producers of American Idol. I'm tired of all the old fart guest judges and mentors. How about you?

(Thanks for axing me, Tracey!)

Since Sanjaya is with us for awhile...

(thanks to Howard Stern and Vote for the Worst), Haley Marie Osmond must be voted off next week. I've learned to accept Sanjaya, I urge you to do the same.

That is all.

American Idol Recap

Eee! Gwen Stefani is the guest advice-giver. From hair to shoes, she's perfection. Finally!  Someone under 50! Even though she has surprisingly little charisma (whooda thunk it?), it's already a good show.

LaKisha. I'm gonna pull a Paula and say that tonight she looks super-cute. Love the dress and boots.  Just wasn't loving the performance.

And speaking of Paula: Gah. I love her jewelry. Again.

Chrith Thligh. I didn't like his "Hootie and the Blowfish" take on "Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic." Way ahead of the music, too.

Rocker Gina. Kind of a safe choice for her, but she worked it out. Were the teeny holes in her stocking (her right leg) intentional?

OH...MAH...GAW. Let's just leave it at that. (Jill, I know you are screaming right now.)

Haley Marie Osmond. I love that Gwen is telling it like it is. This performance was bo.ring. Cyndi Lauper is throwing up somewhere.

Phil Creepy. Zzzzzzzz. He is Michael Bolton. He's much less creepy with a hat on, though. Hmmm. How long until Beat Box is on?

Melinda singing one of my favorite songs of all times. I had this rekkid on HEAVY rotation when I was eight-years-old. Over and over again. I missed the call-response aspect to the song just a little. But, damn, girl. She worked it OUT. She has to win.

Beat Box. Enh. A Duran Duran-esque version of the Cure. Where's the eyeliner? Still. Gotta love.

Jordin singing "Hey Baby!" I couldn't hear the first part of the song, then it just went down hill from there. I'm shocked. She's usually so on point. This was NOT a good performance.

JT Chris signing "Don't Speak." I really wanted to love this. It wasn't bad, it definitely improved as he went along, but it seemed a little...mmmm...whiney?

American Idol Recap

People, let's face facts: Lulu was REAL star of this show.

I like Paula's necklace.

Haley Marie Osmond. My eyes really were up and down her outfit seeking out the double-stick tape (under her armpits). I didn't hear a note she sang.

Chris Timberlake. He is growing on me especially now that he is SINGING songs instead of over-souling them. I loved the song choice even though I had never heard it before. Worked it out.

Stephanie. I thought she started out weak and seemed super-nervous. I think Beyonce might be going home.

Beat Box. He made me sit up and listen...for him to hit that one note. (You know that note.) Aaaaand, I admit, I like listening to him say "Who's yer Daddy." Loved.

LaKisha. I didn't love it, but I still love her. She kicks ass.

Phil Creepy. Hated it. I just don't dig the blues. Simon laid it out there. America, he wants you to vote him off.

Jordin. Go on, girl! Amazing.

Sanjaya Fudge Sundae. Okay. Crying little Marsha Brady girl?! WTF?!! That was DISTURBING. American Idol's target audience: 37-year-old mothers and 9-year-old girls with blue braces. Sanjaya, since you're still here, I hope you stay until the end.

Gina. She doesn't quite fit in anywhere and I do like that about her. But...I was bored.

Chris Sligh. "Fro Patro?" Good god.

Melinda Doolittle. Where did her neck go, all of a sudden? Of all the songs she could have picked, she picked that? I normally love her, but tonight? Not so much.

I needed more up-tempo tonight.

American Idol Recap

I'm convinced. Sanjaya is the anti-Christ.  We are all going to wake up tomorrow and our front yards will be covered with locusts.

How. How is he still on the show? Don't get me wrong, Brandon sucked ass and I said he'd be going home, but compare his singing to Sanjaya's. Please.

Now. Let's move on to Diana Ross.

Who else? Who else, I ask you, can make an entrance wearing a frothy red organza shawl-jacket-stole-thing with arms outstretched, face turned upward towards the heavens?

No one. That's who.

She is the ultimate reminder that even if you can't sing a lick you can still be a huge superstar diva.  And, really, how can you not love that. I do.

Plus, even though "Miss Ross" doesn't have the best voice, she works it out on Reflections. That song rules.

God, I hope they bring Barry back this season.

American Idol Recap

I cannot believe Simon just told Ryan to "come out" of the closet.

Thank you, and good night! Don't forget to tip your waitresses.

I mean really.  That's all I needed to see this season.

Bye-bye Brandon. It was weak even before you forgot the words.

Melinda Doolittle. She's my favorite. She blew it out of the water and made me cry. Damn you, Melinda.

Good god, Chris Sligh.  Was that Oasis meets ColdPlay* meets Lionel Ritchie and Diana Ross? Ugh. What a disaster.  I like you, but you should get voted off just for attempting that.  And for saying, "I have a lot of respect for Diana Ross, but..." I didn't work for me.

*I typed it before Randy said it!

I'm sorry, did they say Haley? Haley instead of Sabrina?

Damn. That's cold, America. Haley=Marie Osmond.

Poor, poor Antonella's journey ended tonight...and she looked so shocked! And hurt! Man, whatever Residence Inn they have those contestants locked up in must be enclosed by a bubble impervious to Perez Hilton, cuz, I mean, come on. What did she expect?

Holy Tapeworms, Batman! What happened to Carrie Yawnderwood?! I didn't think Rachel Zoe was styling people any more.

And Sanjaya Queen of the Desert made it into the final twelve. Tsk, tsk, tsk.  Someone is being very, very naughty. Which means that you can never underestimate the power of a phone bank in the Castro.

No American Idol Re-Cap

My fracking DVR didn't record American Idol while I was at dinner! I cannot believe I missed the girls including my favorite (this joke will never get old) Antonella Barba!

We need to have an American Idol open thread!  You!  Tell me everything that happened last night!  And don't miss even the tiniest of details.  You know I live for the tiny details!