No, I'm Not Pregnant, Just Fat, Thanks for Asking, You Bitch

A recreation of the look I gave that nosy bitch. I had to use wine, but you get the idea. Do I look pregnant?

So it happened again. For the second time in my life, someone asked me if I was pregnant. And I'm not. I don't even have kids. Plus, I feel like I'm always on a diet and workout all the goddamned time. How can I look pregnant?

It was not lost on me that this happened during my (extended) 40th birthday celebration. Is this the inevitable slowdown of my metabolism, which was never winning any races in the first place?

More to the point, how the fuck do you respond to a question like that?

"Fuck you hag, your teeth are grey!" was the first thing that popped into my mind.

"Oh shit" was the second, rapidly followed by "Why do I even try?"

Since I was enjoying a large, pink, vodka cocktail at the time, and continued to pound them down, the answers also continued to flow all night long. Chief helped. Guess which one he contributed:

• No I just have bad posture (hey, sometimes I do)
• Get me another drink, bitch
• We need to leave
• Don't hate me because I've got these great tits naturally
• This dress is getting burned

Who has an "Are you pregnant or just fat?" story? And more importantly, who has a good retort? Please, ladies, share, share, share in the comments.

We "fat" girls have to stick together.

- Cat/BadKitty

Comments

[Al_Pal]

Dude, this happened to me when I was TWENTY-FOUR!

Wearing a loose linen dress, probably slouching... at the graduation party of a housemate, at her parents' house. One of her old male relatives said something along the lines of "when are you due?"

I stood up straight, showed that I did not, in fact, have a bulging stomach, and he started apologizing.

So ridiculous.

Reminds me of the comedian Brian Regan:

I’m always putting my foot in my mouth. I don’t stop to think. Oh, no!...words are coming out…oh, no…I’m not thinking…what is that? Like I met this woman recently; I could have sworn she was pregnant, lemme tell ya. [crowd moans] I know, now. I think the rule is: Don’t guess at that ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever… ever. Something like that. I didn’t have enough evers memorized. So I said, “When’s that …b…aby due?” You ever feel a word coming out but it’s too late to stop it? Whoa! It’s coming out and loud… “Hey, when’s that BABY due? BABY!”

“What baby?”

“OOOooo…At the zoo…the pandas….I knew they were trying to have one. I just thought we’d talk about them…talk about the fluffy zoo animals. I hear they’ve got ‘em over there. You can go look at ‘em if you want, and touch ‘em.”

[Al_Pal]

(and, yeah, I got rid of that dress!) ;p

[MazingAmy]

Sadly this happens to me pretty often. I am very busty. People seem to take that as license to ask "when are you due" or "how old is your baby"

Grrrrrrr,

[Pamela]

I have had a neighbor ask me twice- I admit I do not have a flat gut, and wear loose clothes...but really no one should ever ask unless you wear a shirt that says "baby" with an arrow. BTW, you look very slim on the blog!

[Robyn]

I landed myself in the ER three days after delivering my son. When the ER doctor asked me when I was due, I had to point to the baby my spouse was holding. I was glad to see that he felt like an idiot. I realize that I had just had the baby so was still looking preggo, but motherfucker read the damn chart!

[Lesley]

you should never eva ask unless you see the baby emerging from her body!