40 Whatever

Next year we're going as media. No, really, it's "research."

As de facto experts on all things cougar—not just because were 40-whatever but because we actually watched The Cougar—we were really sad to have missed the Miss Cougar America pageant at the National Cougar Convention held recently in our backyard jungle.

Forty Fifty-whatever women, twenty-whatever men. Plenty of white zin and "Brick House." Curmudgeons like hotel guest Mark Friedman, 45, of Boston who, after surveying the scene, scoffed, "I've never seen so many useless 20-year-olds in my life."

What the hell were we thinking?!?! How could we have missed that?!

We feel as though we've let you, our dear readers, down. We promise it won't happen again.

Next time, we'll be there to see the winner crowned and will toast her with our Cosmos. We're sure the pageant will have a media contact by then so we can request our badges.

Our PRESS badges.

—Stefania/CityMama

The Cougar - Final Episode: Thank God That's Over

For the final installment of The Cougar, Stacey brought the two finalists, Sexy (Horny) Jimmy the Trainer, and Sexy (Elusive) Colt the Musician, home to meet her kids.

This is what we were all dreading the whole "season" -- she actually put her kids on camera. Yeesh.

Like Stacey, the kids are cute and appealing, but you have to wonder: wtf does this do to their concept of how people meet, fall in love and get married?

Oh, wait. Did I spoil it for you? Yes, the series ends with a proposal, a ring (from a sponsor, complete with prominent logo placement) and an acceptance. And then tons of macking out. Yick.

Of course, that doesn't give anything away because the kissing just doesn't stop on this show. You get the feeling she gives guy at the Starbucks drive thru a buck and a tongue bath. Seriously, who doesn't she kiss?

The Cougar - Episode 7: Vegas Baby

In this penultimate episode, Stacey and the "final three" went to Vegas.

1) Stacey had a "race cars and sex on the pool table" date with Jimmy, the 23 y.o. The date ended with the two of them going to bed.

2) Stacey had a "massage and wine in her suite" date with Travis-the-Near-Girl, the 21 y.o. The date ended with the two of them going to bed.

3) Stacey had a "helicopter ride and sex in the bubble bath" -- yes, naked on TV -- date with Colt, the 25 y.o. The date ended with the two of them going to bed.

You tell me. Did Stacey send home:

1) Hot sex

2) Relaxing afternoon with her best girlfriend

3) Other hot sex

That's right. Bye-bye Travis-the-Near-Girl! We secretly liked you best, no really. And we would totally do mani-pedi's with you anytime!

- Cat/BadKitty

Mad Atom - Cougar Reference Manual

Well this is a slice of genius with ice cream on top and crunchy Ativan sprinkles:  The Cougar reference manual, from Kitten to Snapping Turtle.

Brought to us by the deviants at Mad Atoms. Writer: Becky Bain. Artist: Marek Haiduk. Inspiration: my guess is the Spice Girls. Can't you just see Victoria Beckham as a Snapping Turtle?

Hat Tip: Thank you to the lovely and talented Kristen Seymour for sending this our way.

- Cat/BadKitty

The Cougar - Episode 6: Meet the Parents

Okay, I know last week (or was it the week before?) I promised to stop being lame and post these recaps on time. And then I turned around and didn't. Curse me for the Gemini I am -- well intentioned, but easily led astray. Better late than never, here is Episode 6, when we find out who lets their kid go on a show about an older woman dating younger men.

But let’s be real. The only reason for this episode is to meet Travis the Near-girl’s mom, who is so going to be The Next Cougar. You heard it here first. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

The Setup

Viv, wearing serious whore boots, sat down with Stacey to talk about the “challenge” of meeting:

• Colt and his brothers, but not their parents because their parents said, “Hell NO we’re not going to embarrass ourselves!” Or they’re dead – it’s unclear.
• Adam, and his twin who was also on the show, who also has parents who said, “Hell to the NO.” He'd rather they were dead than know he's doing this. (Dude, you do know this is going to be on TV, right?)
• Travis the Near-girl, his mom, and teen-aged brother and sister. Stacey was nervous because she’s “close in age” to her. Snort.
• Jimmy and his Big Italian ... Parents.  “All I can think about is his body!” Stacey giggled. "He told me, 'You and my mom will go get a massage and have a bottle of wine.'"

You gotta love that Northern California sense of priorities. I think he should win just for that. Oh, and also for his mad "skillz" in the bedroom. Holla!

The Cougar - Episode 5: PMS Strikes

Stick a fork in me, I was done when Viv walked out in a smoking hot snakeskin skirt. That was all I needed to see, just give me the price and purchasing info. Sadly, we still had nearly an hour of Cougar to go.

This week the producers decided to speed things up, combining the Truth or Dare-Dare with the Herpes Kiss off. For the first competition, the dudes were required to:

• Make out with Stacey
• While she was blindfolded
• In front of everyone
• One after another

Do they all gargle with peroxide and get antibiotic shots every nights? I mean, it’s gross to swap that much spit with Stacey, isn’t it? If sloppy seconds are bad, what are sloppy thirds? Or sixths? At this point her mouth is like a train station. In her shoes, I'd be brushing my teeth with Purell.

That's why I'm not the star of the show. Stacey thought this was a great challenge, “because it gives me non-verbal cues.”

And herpes.

The Cougar - Episode 4: Drugs, Cheating, and Vomit

Sorry, I failed everyone last week and didn’t get to the Cougar recap until just now.  My only excuse is that IT’S MY BIRTHDAY MONTH. Which mostly means that this week I’ve been busy with 2x as much paying work (i.e. not this) so I can play all of next week, when I have a whole pack of family in town.

To make it up to you, here is last week, and I promise to do tonight's show first thing in the morning.

Episode 4 – Drugs, Cheating and Vomit

As usual, it started immediately with a Truth or Dare-Dare: Write down your deepest, darkest secret. Stacey read the two most scary, and those “winners” (sarcasm intentional) got to go on two-on-one date with her.  Twist is that she sent one of them home.

“It’s time to lay everything on the line,” either Stacey or Viv said – I forget which, it was a week ago, but since a Mean Gay Producer ^SM actually wrote the line, it doesn’t really matter which gal said it.

Anyway, naturally some of these idiots tell the truth. The guys all look really worried. Travis the Near-girl is cool. He has no secrets.

Winning secrets:

• Jon: “I cheated on my girlfriend. With her best friend.”
• Ryan: “I went to rehab.”

I told you Ryan would have one of the "worst" secrets, even though he didn’t admit out loud that rehab was court ordered because he skinned a live bunny and then drank the blood. While stoned.

Sure, he only told her that last part, but check your gut. You feel the truth of it!

"I'm A Cougar, Not A Split Beaver"
The date was a trip to an indoor skydiving place. But since that shit is expensive, the producers made Stacey do the elimination in the changing room, before the date.

The Cougar - Episode 3: This Journey is Giving Me "Feelings"

Warning: I'm starting to have feelings for Stacey. Yes! I'm beginning to open my heart to her!

Don't get me wrong -- the show is still totally trashy, the guys are all idiots. Stacey & Viv showed up one morning encrusted in sequins ... yes, in the day time! Also, wow, I optic yellow really is the best color for camel toe. Tasty!

But ... there were a couple of times when the guys were being all douchey, and Stacey totally called them on it! In a non-dramatic, no time for this shit, Mom-knows-exactly-what-you're-doing way. And it was kinda badass!

But mostly the episode made me cringe, and now it's your turn.

If They Had Talent In The First Place, They Wouldn't Be On A Reality Show

The "fun" started immediately with Truth or Dare-Dare #1: An impromptu "talent" show, with Stacey's four favs winning a spot on the group date. 

Stacey thought this was a great contest because “younger men are very spontaneous” which probably meant "always have a hard-on." It certainly didn't mean "they're clever, smart, or funny" because their talents were lame.

But to her credit, most of them probably were "packing heat" when they saw Travis the Near-girl juggling.

The Cougar - Episode 2: The Saddest 40th Birthday Party Ever

Yes, I went back for sloppy seconds so you didn't have to. Episode 2 of The Cougar included Lubriderm, three Herpes Kiss Off eliminations and flames. At least there was cake.

Pumping Stacey

The one enjoyable thing about this show is watching The Boys compete in stupid contests. It's an endless game of Truth or Dare, where they can only take the dare. Gee, are the producers competing among themselves to see who can make The Boys look the most stupid? Contest code name: Shooting Fish In A Barrel.

Truth or Dare-Dare #1:  Design a work out session for Stacey.

Inspired ideas included:

• Imaginary martial arts
• Bench pressing Stacey
• A stuttering Marine with terrible skin, Lubriderm, and something about massage... I looked away
• One genius tactic: "You don't need to work out, you're perfect, let's just talk. And kiss."

The Cougar - Even Worse Than Any Of Us Imagined

Yeah, I watched The Cougar last week. I'm sorry I couldn't bring myself to write it up before now. But holy Christ! It took this long for the holes it burned my brain (and my soul) to heal.

Who was the brain scientist watching the Bachelor who hissed, "Yessssss, thisss eeeees humiliating and delicioussssssssss, but how can we make it tragic? Psssssssyche damaging? Rich with ssssssssschadenfreude?"

Even worse, which evil genius responded with this pitch:

• Let's get a hot "older" -- but not too old! -- babe
• Have her date a mob of 20-something d-bags
• Lube 'em up with vats of alcohol, including plenty of the good stuff, like Jäger. And Red Bull. Jägerbombs!
• Stick them in a McMansion of Degredation in LA, replete with hot tub, pool (the better to skinny dip, my dear) and almost certainly an outdoor shower tucked away in a corner awaiting al fresco sex
• Add cameras and a heavy dose of chagrin, then leave it in the dark where it will grow into a pale, poisonous, mushroom-like creature.

No, I don't think it will be back for a second season. And yes, I'll stick with it for this one. So let's get this over with. Here's what you need to know about the show: