One thing I learned from years of bad pictures, both of me and taking them of other people, everyone has a good side and a bad side.
And your bad side? It gets worse as you get older. So the sooner you learn the Paris Hilton Wonky Eye Lesson, the better.
Miss Paris Hilton will never be mistaken for a great beauty. Or a great brain. Or even someone who understands the basic civilities of covering your genital in public. But she is a genius when it comes to getting a good photo taken.
If you look through a stock photo site like Getty (which I get to do for my job, lucky me!) you will see page after page after page of photos of Paris looking pretty good. For her. Rarely, some photographer catches her in an unplanned pose, and that's when you see the wonky eye. And pointy beak . And shallow chest.
Seriously, the girl is homely when she doesn't have her game on.
But she didn't get to where she is by talent and luck. Paris has an iron-will and a firm concept of who she is. She always knows where the photographers are, and hits her pose for each one of them, never deviating from her gameplan.
Do you have a special event coming up -- perhaps a significant birthday -- when lots of folks will be taking your picture? If you want to look good -- and you know you do -- you must find out what your good side is. Especially since there's a good chance you'll be drunk, and that's no time to improvise!
Here's what you need to do:
- Get a trusted friend -- if you don't have one handy, you can sorta get away with using a mirror, but remember everything is bizarro world so flip left/right
- Get a digital camera
- Take a ton of photos trying out the classic poses: The Audrina (looking up), The Zellweger (tilted head, lemon lips), The Angelina (bitchface), The Aniston ("Who-Me?" wide eyes), The Lohan (scowling hangover) et cetera -- you read Us Weekly, you know what to do
- Judge them brutally
- Determine your best pose
- Practice
When in doubt, imagine you are Paris Hilton -- a celebutard with no looks, minimal talent and a zeal for self-promotion that somehow translates into (hundreds of) thousands of dollars in appearance fees for sitting in a bar and drinking from the bottle.
I'm not saying you'll get paid for doing what you do for free, but isn't it worth a little practice to find out?
Also, you'll like the pictures of you way better, I promise.
- Cat/Bad Kitty
