40 Whatever

The Cougar - Episode 7: Vegas Baby

In this penultimate episode, Stacey and the "final three" went to Vegas.

1) Stacey had a "race cars and sex on the pool table" date with Jimmy, the 23 y.o. The date ended with the two of them going to bed.

2) Stacey had a "massage and wine in her suite" date with Travis-the-Near-Girl, the 21 y.o. The date ended with the two of them going to bed.

3) Stacey had a "helicopter ride and sex in the bubble bath" -- yes, naked on TV -- date with Colt, the 25 y.o. The date ended with the two of them going to bed.

You tell me. Did Stacey send home:

1) Hot sex

2) Relaxing afternoon with her best girlfriend

3) Other hot sex

That's right. Bye-bye Travis-the-Near-Girl! We secretly liked you best, no really. And we would totally do mani-pedi's with you anytime!

- Cat/BadKitty

The Cougar - Episode 5: PMS Strikes

Stick a fork in me, I was done when Viv walked out in a smoking hot snakeskin skirt. That was all I needed to see, just give me the price and purchasing info. Sadly, we still had nearly an hour of Cougar to go.

This week the producers decided to speed things up, combining the Truth or Dare-Dare with the Herpes Kiss off. For the first competition, the dudes were required to:

• Make out with Stacey
• While she was blindfolded
• In front of everyone
• One after another

Do they all gargle with peroxide and get antibiotic shots every nights? I mean, it’s gross to swap that much spit with Stacey, isn’t it? If sloppy seconds are bad, what are sloppy thirds? Or sixths? At this point her mouth is like a train station. In her shoes, I'd be brushing my teeth with Purell.

That's why I'm not the star of the show. Stacey thought this was a great challenge, “because it gives me non-verbal cues.”

And herpes.

National Enquirer Dramz for Stacey the Cougar

Don't worry, I'm working on the recap for this week's episode of The Cougar, but I had to share this breaking news. The latest issue of the National Enquirer has a juicy story about Stacey and her supposedly acrimonious divorce from her husband.

The article features a bunch of nasty quotes from the husband, like:

"That's her friend's house, not hers, and the claims about how much money she makes are completely false," said Steven, a 39-year-old independent filmmaker. "She just dabbles in real estate. She's more of a party girl, and she owes me two years of back child support!

Gee, ex-hubby Steve sounds like a winner, selling an interview to the National Enquirer and leeching child support off of Stacey! Yup, she really knows how to pick 'em!

 Now, imagine you're Stacey and a trashy tabloid article comes out with quotes about you from the father of your kids. After you finish asking (screaming) "WTF WERE YOU THINKING?" at your ex- do you:

A. Call your lawyers and explore your legal recourse

B. Call your publicist and draft a classy "no comment" response

C. Call your favorite gay co-worker, flat iron your hair, and make a rebuttal video using your kid's Flip camera?

I think you all know which one Stacey picked. 

Yeah, Stacey and her buddy Mici (it rhymes with Dickie) made an awesomely terrible video, and then took their case to the court of Social Media. They posted it to her Facebook page, then tweeted the link out to the world. Or rather, to me and the other 521 losers who follow her.

In the video, Stacey is chagrined that the evil National Enquirer would engage in this kind of schaudenfreude journalism, misrepresenting the words of her ex-husband, which they were scheming and base enough to pay for.

Not that she used any big words like that.

Stacey then clears it all up for us. She and her husband totally get along. She even likes his new wife! Oh, by the way he's a Mormon and just too conservative for her, that's why the marriage didn't work out.  And pay no attention to that money talk, it's private between two parents. Nothing to see here!

The sound is shitty, her delivery is over-practiced and the artificial, "Just sitting here explaining the situation to my bestie Mici" setup is painfully contrived.

I couldn't resist watching it twice.

- Cat/Bad Kitty

The Cougar - Episode 3: This Journey is Giving Me "Feelings"

Warning: I'm starting to have feelings for Stacey. Yes! I'm beginning to open my heart to her!

Don't get me wrong -- the show is still totally trashy, the guys are all idiots. Stacey & Viv showed up one morning encrusted in sequins ... yes, in the day time! Also, wow, I optic yellow really is the best color for camel toe. Tasty!

But ... there were a couple of times when the guys were being all douchey, and Stacey totally called them on it! In a non-dramatic, no time for this shit, Mom-knows-exactly-what-you're-doing way. And it was kinda badass!

But mostly the episode made me cringe, and now it's your turn.

If They Had Talent In The First Place, They Wouldn't Be On A Reality Show

The "fun" started immediately with Truth or Dare-Dare #1: An impromptu "talent" show, with Stacey's four favs winning a spot on the group date. 

Stacey thought this was a great contest because “younger men are very spontaneous” which probably meant "always have a hard-on." It certainly didn't mean "they're clever, smart, or funny" because their talents were lame.

But to her credit, most of them probably were "packing heat" when they saw Travis the Near-girl juggling.

UR doin' it wrong: Taylor Hicks

 

Born October 7, 1976

Remember this douche?  We do. In fact, it'll be hard for us to ever forget him.  We just read in the paper that he's staring in the Grease roadshow that hits our town in a couple of weeks.

As Danny?

Nope.

Kenickie?

Nope.

As Teen Angel, the role made most famous by this guy:

This OLD guy. He was, like, 40 when he did Grease.

Taylor Hicks, people think you're already 40. UR doin' it wrong. Way wrong.