40 Whatever

U R Doin' It Wrong (Way Wrong): Paula Abdul

born June 19, 1962, age 46

In this month's LHJ, Paula Abdul finally admits 12-year pill addiction.

File under: A Surprise To No One Except Her Mother. (And maybe not even her.)

Pam Anderson Almost Convinces Us That There Really Is a Time to Stop Shopping in the Junior Section

Pamela Denise Lee Anderson Lee Lee (?), pride of Canada, born July 1, 1967
Age: merely 42

Oh. Dear. 

Pam ... you're looking a little, well, a bit worn. Maybe you should just take a seat for a few minutes  while Stefania and I reconsider our firm belief that we can all shop at Forever 21 forever, because rules are for fools and age is just a number.

Hey, speaking of numbers, can you believe that Pammy is only 42? Her picture is in the dictionary next to another number: "10 miles of bad road."

Also, speaking of illustrated definitions, try this one on for size: "Rode hard and put away wet."

Anyhoo ... back to the question of WTF is Pam wearing this time, and how old it makes her look.

Despite her vague and troubling resemblance to a dancing chicken, after giving it some serious thought, I decided that Pam could totally get away with this outfit if her hair wasn't so fucked up and fried.

No, really, take a good look. Her body (thanks to millions of Mötley Crüe mp3 downloads-worth of plastic surgery) is still banging, and I looooooove those shoes. It's that hair that makes her look so old.

You heard me, once again it all comes back to putting in your time in the chair, ladies. I can't say it often enough.

What a relief! For a minute there I thought I'd have to give up my H&M accessories addiction. Now that we have that cleared up, who's got a spare VO5 hot oil treatment to loan Miss Pam so she can stop scaring the livestock?

- Cat/Bad Kitty

UR Doin' It Wrong: Lindsay Lohan

Lindsay Lohan's eHarmony Profile from Lindsay Lohan

Born July 2, 1986, age 22

You know who looks better than Lindsay Lohan? Pretty much everyone.

This fake eHarmony ad is supposed to be a poke-fun-at-yourself spoof, like the ones that Paris Hilton did, but the difference is hers were funny. This is just, well, it's kinda sad.

Look at her dead, expressionless eyes. We've all see those eyes before: on crazy people.

Lindsay, you are 22-years-old. Lighten up, babe. We know your family's all fucked up and that has to be terrible, but you are still a talented, beautiful girl. We miss the fun Lindsay. The sweet, fresh-faced "Parent Trap Lindsay."

We think it all went wrong when you tried to grow up too fast. And then there's all the drinking and smoking and staying up all night. That'll make a girl look like she's done years of hard living in a short time. Okay, so you have been doing years of hard living, our point is, LiLo, you gotta get your shit together.

Look, we know there is an expiration date on young actresses in Hollywood, but slow down a little. Don't rush it, there's plenty of time for Restylane and filler. There's no need for your face to look like you're addicted to chemical peels and spray-tans even if you are.

We didn't want to have to say it, but you leave us no choice: Dina looks better than you, and the betch is pushing fifty.

Get it together, girl. You're 22. Enjoy it.

Signed,
Two women who are older than you and know better 

See also: Hayden Panettiere